Video Games & Safety to Practice Life Skills

Why Some Neurodivergent Gamers Seek Safety in Gaming Spaces

My posts are specifically for neurodivergent people and those who consider video gaming an integral part of their lives. When our brains and bodies are different, there are things even we don’t fully understand about ourselves. We wouldn’t be able to explain to others why taking part in a virtual world is so powerful and important, but it is. I hope to write on reframing experiences to add to how we see others in our lives, and for gamers to have the opportunity to explore who they are. This will help you pick and choose how to describe your world and how to advocate for yourself.

Why We Need Safety to Practice Life Skills

Whenever we talk about the differently wired brain, there will be invisible conditions and hardships other people will not see from the outside. There is a high correlation between sensory differences that overwhelm and drain the brain, making “easy” tasks like everyday living difficult for many people. A lot of gifted and creative individuals also get comments of, “You’re so smart. This should be easy for you. Why are you being so lazy?” When these comments and judgments are given over years, it can make someone feel useless, weak, and like they are making excuses for struggling with the simplest things.

Our brain isn’t efficient in some ways. In other ways, we can be creatively gifted with ideas or specific disciplines. Sometimes we’re considered “slow” because of a learning disability or processing difference. Because of these asynchronous brain pathways, we may have difficulty learning something our typical peers can easily do. Sometimes we can learn and do something with enough repetition (like 100s of times or more) or we are being taught in ways that don’t make sense to us so these life skills remain a mystery.

Sensory Safety

With the neurodivergent brain, certain parts of the brain are stimulated more easily and intensely, and others are not. It’s why some of us feel pain when we hear something other people shrug off. It could be why certain fabrics, foods, or scents can make us feel deeply uncomfortable, and possibly in pain. Everything could be more intense, even pain. Living with so many intense feelings or physical sensations can make it difficult for us to focus on tasks or follow through with requests. The intensity of stimuli can evoke a feeling of danger around us. Our brains might be in a constant state of stress where the priority is seeking safety. And constantly being in a state of survival can lead to panic attacks, high anxiety, or fatigue from feeling stressed often.

We try to mitigate sensory overwhelm by stimming or avoiding stimulation. It’s why you see us biting our fingers, flapping hands, repeating certain words, touching things, or humming to ourselves. Playing video games can also be a way to stim or cope with a very intense outside world.

And because our brains are “inefficient” from having our neural networks connecting to many overlapping pathways, it can lead to overstimulation, confusion, or difficulty learning or doing certain life skills.

Physical Safety and Accumulated Experiences

There are many invisible conditions that add to the difficulty of accomplishing life skils. For instance, are you or your neurodivergent person clumsy? Because of a difference in proprioception in our bodies, we may live in a body that does not respond quickly to outside stimulation so we trip on things, fall, griip things too loosely or tightly, drop items often, bump our heads into cabinets, or lose balance for “no reason.” It can be a dangerous place for the extra clumsy where part of our brain power is being used to not fall or drop something when a typical person doesn’t have to use extra brain power to do the same thing.

So our reserves are being drained more quickly because our bodies aren’t calibrated with the environment. Over time, we may also implicitly or explicitly get the message that the world is an unsafe place. (All the accidents, tripping, falling, and bumping into things over the years may be another reason why we seek comfort inside and with video games) It’s safe inside!

Chronic and (Unnamed) Conditions

Being in the Neurodiversity Affirmative Therapists and other (Actually) Autistic Facebook groups for several years I’ve observed seeing stories of certain conditions paired with having divergent neurotypes. Some are:

• POTS Postural Orthostatic Tachycardic Syndrome

• Autoimmune conditions like Celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease (IBS), psoriasis

• Chronic fatigue syndrome

• Ehler Danlos Syndrome (EDS)

• Poor Interoception — inability to sense hunger and thirst cues, how our body responds to stimulation, correlated with an inability to identify emotions and self regulate

• Learning Disabilities like Dysgraphia, Dyscalculia, Dyslexia

These conditions (and more) contribute to the complex inner workings of a person who could be trying every day to manage pain and flare-ups in addition to accomplishing daily tasks. The medical part, especially when undiagnosed or identified, can make someone feel like they have no language to explain why they’re so tired, have brain fog, feel pain, or can’t do something at the moment when other people can.

Bullying, Misunderstandings

When you’re different, you can be a target for bullying and jokes. People could think it’s lighthearted to take jabs at someone for being different, but again, years of people making comments about how you communicate, your habits, interests, and the way you dress add up. It’s not fun being the target for jokes at every social gathering or having a feeling you’re being made fun of, but you can’t really understand why either.

It’s safer and more enjoyable being home playing games. Your online friends or video game characters won’t betray you. They’ll always be there.

When you’re misunderstood often, without the language to communicate needs or your inner experiences, it can feel like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes or many times, people may get frustrated over your way of thinking or processing stimulation where they think you’re acting out or attention seeking instead of getting tasks done. Behind the surface of a tantrum or looking “noncompliant” could be:

• Sensory or emotional overwhelm

• Not understanding the directions

• Foundational skills other people learn without being taught, we need to be taught so we are perpetually confused and making mistakes

• Not knowing how to use a tool

• Forgetting how to do something

• Auditory processing differences

• Fatigue or pain from chronic conditions associated with neurodivergence (but not always known or diagnosed)

• Shame from being told again and again how to do something but not getting it

• A trauma response with having a hypervigilant brain and body

Shame & Mistakes

• “Stop asking again. I already told you how to do it!”

• “Put your hands down. It’s awkward when you do that.” (When we attempt to stim to self regulate)

• “That was SO EASY. How did you make these mistakes?”

• “Don’t talk about X subjects to anyone at the party, okay? I don’t want to be embarrassed.”

• “Why are you repeating what I just said? Think inside your head!”

• You’re not overwhelmed. You’re being sensitive and lazy. Just do it!”

It’s frustrating when a loved one doesn’t understand something like a homework lesson, or social etiquette. Especially when you’ve told them over and over again how to do something. The accumulated misunderstandings and comments can lead to shame. It’s difficult to move forward in life and grow when loved ones and society tell us demoralizing messages and don’t always believe our lived experiences.

Social Model of Disability (wikipedia)

The frustrating and disappointing layers of being neurodivergent include fighting institutions like education, medicine, and social spaces to honor the needs, struggles, and different lived experiences of others. Seeking accommodations, inclusion, and equity at any part of life can be overwhelming. You are already a marginalized and vulnerable person and have to provide proof of a need when it should be the other way around.

Asking vulnerable people to go through hoops to receive aid is the opposite of a nurturing society. It is another reason and system why disabled and neurodivergent people are seen as potential burdens of society.

The message perpetuates and can become our identities: If we cannot function and provide economic value to a certain degree, we are equated with being less than others, and we are seen as useless. People bully us, and the systems themselves do not support us. With this societal message and internalized identity, why would some of us want to go outside of video games?

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Using Gaming to Support Life Skills Development

If so many of us are using games to escape a world that doesn’t support or accept us, why not use these same games to develop life skills?

The REFRAME: With guidance and compassion, we can use the things our loved ones enjoy to practice different skills. Highlighting moments when you see the skill being used can help a gamer see a bigger picture of how to use their interests to grow. It is building a new lens of intention and positive play.

In the same way an athlete needs a coach, a gamer needs guidance on how to perform to their best abilities. A gamer also needs a coach or guide on how to use games to develop intangible life skills.

• Winning & Losing: This is a part of life. The hard part is getting up and doing it again, whether you win or lose. Games can offer great life lessons and sometimes we just need someone to help point them out. Just like being a good sport, the passion and joy come from the game itself and being a better player each time.

• Communication: Games can be used as topics of conversation and they can be opportunities to communicate within the games themselves. Some of us are more comfortable communicating through text or a headset, or with avatars. All these forms of communication are valid, and can help connect your gamer to community.

  • Twitch and other streaming communities also offer a form of parallel play that is comforting and less intense or demanding than in-person socialization. This is a very valid form of connection that can help people feel part of something bigger.

• Planning and Prioritization: Some games require methodical planning to complete difficult dungeons or quests. This is a great way for seeing how your gamer plans and prioritizes tasks in a safe environment. When this executive function skill is not well developed, there could be big mistakes made when unable to plan. Practicing multiple times through a game can offer an easier time to bounce back when mistakes are made.

• Problem Solving: Some games are hard. There are big maps to navigate and confusing directions to follow. Luckily there are wikis and communities to find answers. When you feel like life outside is difficult to navigate and figure out, successfully problem solving in a game can help build confidence to try problem in different areas of life. Pointing out this skill with specific moments in-game can help your gamer remember that they can solve problems!

• Helping Others, Asking for Help: In multiplayer games, there are options to help others. When socialization could be more difficult outside the game, this virtual experience offers an opportunity to practice safely communicating and seeking support from people with similar interests. In multiplayer games, many seasoned players help people. If your gamer is very good at their game, they also have the option to help noobs (people who aren’t so good). This can build a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

• Trying Again After Failure: Trying again after a failure in video games could be easier than in the outside world. Building the habit of trying again virtually can help someone feel more comfortable with taking this skill to other parts of life. When your gamer has a difficult time trying things in “real life” try introducing new types of games over time, and see how they try again with the games they like. Use these observations as a mirror to support praising or objectively noting these experiences.

• Following Directions: The differently wired brain may sometimes come with auditory processing or learning differences that make following directions difficult. To build self-esteem, gaming can offer extra practice with following directions successfully. Again, the loved one’s job is to point out these moments of success so your gamer has some evidence that they are capable of trying again.

• Channeling Difficult Emotions: Gamers have to exhibit a certain degree of self-control and focus to win games. Before playing, a person can coach or practice self-regulating exercises with their gamer so the skill can be ready to access during intense moments. Pair it with how athletes work on mastering mind and body and it can help a gamer learn very important calming skills to be a more effective player.

These skills can be identified and nurtured with your gamers. Video Games can be tools and mirrors of who we are. It depends on how we use them. There is also a real awareness of playing too much where multiple areas of life are neglected. To explore potential trauma work, it’s recommended to seek a gaming affirmative therapist who understands neurodiversity and the social model of disability.

This blog post is a compassionate response to how gaming can be a refuge from the harm done by social systems and the outside world.

References:

• Proprioception — HyperMobilityDoctor IG

• Collaborative & Proactive Solutions — Dr. Ross Greene

• Childhood Trauma: Understanding Behavioral Challenges as Survival Instincts — Dr. Mona Delahooke

• Brain Structure Changes in Autism, Explain — SpectrumNews.org

• Social Model of Disability — Wikipedia

• Learning Disabilities — Very Well Mind

• How Abuse Mars the Lives of Autistic People — SpectrumNews.Org

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us — Organized Messes

The power of Group Play in Video Games: RPGs and Protecting Others

Every week I get to fight creepers with young gamers in Minecraft and other games. The funny thing is that I suck at most of them, but kids want to play with me anyway. My niece and nephew (or clients) become the masters of their world where a trusted adult can see who they can be and what they wish to explore. By observing and accepting the characters and roles my gamers choose, I am able to better understand their strengths and the importance of these roles in their lives.

I will write in terms of working with children, but this applies to people of all ages. There is no age limit to play and explore through play.

Reframing Video Games, Play, and Archetypal Exploration:

Play is the natural language of children. It is a universal way to connect, practice life skills, and attempt at trying to make sense of the world around us. We see children wanting to dress up like their parents, repeat behaviors and phrases they heard, and pretend to be someone or something they saw in a storybook, film, or in the outside world. Through these repetitions, we can incorporate a sense of understanding, perspective, and possibility into our lives. Preschool teachers, parents, play therapists, and educators are some among many who can use play and the language of play to facilitate growth, but also, to nonverbally understand the inner workings, strengths, and hopes of children. There are many benefits to playing, and video games are one way to channel and experiment in a world that continues to feel overwhelming, curious, and chaotic.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Discovering New Curiosities & Adventures With Video Games

In the image above, I am playing Fortnite with my niece and nephew. We are running around the map looking for the dinosaur creatures named Klombos. There are several Klombos scattered around the map, and the kids were excited to find them all. We used our microphones and markers on the map to communicate together. A few things were inspired by the initial dino discovery:

• The Fortnite map is not small, so we had to agree on initial places to explore, and call out to ask for help if we were fighting (other characters or nonplayers characters, NPCs). This is something we’ve worked on. In the past, the kids got caught up in stress where they forgot to ask for help, or they thought they were invincible and did not need help.

  • This modeled and practiced team building, emotional regulation, and stress tolerance.

• My niece also has an interest in drawing and recently learned about the scientific method in class. She got a notebook and wrote down the details of each Klombo and sketched them.

  • This can help with working memory, something many neurodivergent people need extra practice with. Might as well throw in fun ways to practice recalling facts and details!

• Together, we named them. We also imagined what their personalities were and looked for berries to feed them. There was a limited amount of berry bushes so we took turns picking them, which practiced the executive function skill of flexibility.

• My nephew started dictating the descriptions of the areas we found the dinos so we could find them again.

  • We practiced using the cardinal directions of North, East, South, and West with landmarks to better communicate and navigate as a team.

  • Many ND kids and adults have a poor sense of direction and spatial awareness. Practicing navigating on a virtual map is safer and helps with learning important life skills.

• We all asked questions about their relationship with other dinosaurs and took turns riding them in-game.

Outside of the game, the kids were able to start conversations about dinosaurs and find books and other media to explore. Although the discovery was virtual, my niece and nephew created a real memory with their auntie. We got to explore a world together where we found dinosaurs, fed them, and took turns riding them.

Role-Playing & Archetypal Exploration

Fortnite screenshot, kids teaching me how to build quickly (property of Epic games)

There is a power in role-playing and fully immersing oneself in the world of pretending. Especially as children, there may be a limited definition of belief of what our roles are and who we can be. When we are little, there may be an inclination to wish we were part of the rich worlds of our heroes. In games with avatars, there is the element of choice and experimentation.

The question of “What if?” is very much honored in the world of pretend and virtual play.

• What if we could build into the sky?

• What if we had endless building supplies? What could I build?

• What if I were The Flash or Captain America? What does it feel like to be as powerful and fast as them? And when you play as them, you can believe: “I AM as fast and powerful as them!”

• In certain games, we need a range of roles to make a strong team. Sometimes we can choose the same roles. This is a great exercise in flexibility and team building. Each person can contribute important gifts, even if they are “support” like healers and ranged damage. Not everyone can be or wants to be the tank.

• And if you want to try tanking, it’s safe to try it out together.

• In a world of big people and rules, chaos, and uncertainty, virtual play can be a great release and place to practice putting on different identity hats safely. It also helps with repetition, something brains need to learn new skills as well as incorporate new truths of who they can be.

• Outside games, we may have a certain role or expectations others give us. Trying on different identity hats in games gives freedom for possibility. And again, it offers safety to try it here, leave it, or take it with you when you’re ready.

• As social beings, we need validation and mirroring. When a gamer comes to me with any role or character they choose, that is them in our time together. I can offer acceptance as they explore parts of who they are or identities they are curious about.

  Growing up or living in marginalized, dismissed communities can create lifelong masking where we hide a lot of who we are. Sometimes we forget and maintain the masks for so long, that we need a bit of practice to take the mask off. Games and play are powerful and safe ways to provide this opportunity.

Kids Teaching Adults, Gamers Teaching Their Coach

Me literally being carried by a kid in a Roblox game LOL

In this Fortnite screenshot (above), kids are showing me how to build very quickly. I love that I am a bad gamer. In almost every game I play with kids, I have a learning curve with learning the terminology, how to survive, or basic gameplay. Sometimes I never learn to play well, but the kids adapt. They can play with their more skilled friends later. Our time together has a different meaning.

Kids and gamers can teach me how to “mod” a game, create new characters, find items on a map, or finish a series of quest objectives.

The neat thing about playing virtual games together is there can be an organic development of roles. We have a range of choices where I can be supportive and hold items for my teammates. My gamers, who are usually very skilled, can be the main heroes with an added layer of mastery and displayed competency when teaching me.

Additional Reading: What is Mastery Learning Model

When used in certain ways, video games and play intuitively adopt the Mastery Learning Model (I didn’t know it had a name!) where lessons are student-led. I get to indirectly assess for and test out a range of executive function skills when playing together. Social-emotional and cognitive skills are also mapped out where I can learn the person of the gamer with me.

For our hour together, my gamers assume the role of teacher and guide. It’s something potentially empowering and important for those who are sensitive and quiet and have histories of being misunderstood. They can take this feeling and memory with them outside the game.

And when the game is too difficult, I can help remind them even an ancient lady like me isn’t perfect at everything. We can play for fun, and the challenge to improve. If and when we overcome a challenge, great. If it doesn’t happen, we are still valuable, and the time spent together is worth having.

Protecting Others in Virtual Adventures

Screenshot of game in Roblox, party with 3 heroes

With countless online role-playing games there is a chance for a gamer to be someone’s protector or healer. Depending on the individual archetypes of a person, practicing protecting someone could be an effective way to practice and internalize a feeling of confidence and strength.

• Many in the neurodivergent community have their voices and needs silenced, ignored, or minimized. It makes sense why we escape through special interests and the virtual world so often. We can use our interests to strengthen our voices and advocate for our needs.

• Children live in a world where people are telling them what to wear, where to go, what to eat when to sleep, and how to think. It’s a lot of direction. Playing roles that facilitate a range of strengths to support others is a playful way to develop autonomy and confidence.

• In the Roblox game screenshot, my niece and nephew started a new game with me. They led the fights and directed where to explore. “Let’s go here first! I have a shield so I will protect you, auntie.” I was so proud of them for taking steps towards fighting bad guys and helping one another meet quest objectives.

• Make it applicable. When your gamers are displaying skills and strengths, name them. Show them how these are real parts of themselves and that they can be applied outside games to specific areas of life.

Elden Ring Screenshot, developed by FromSoftware, published by Bandai Namco Entertainment

It’s virtual play AND real memories of being brave, fighting that monster, trying something new, and helping their ancient life coach pass the dungeon.

I love playing fighting and dungeon games because I get to see how brave, patient (because I die and get lost a lot) and strong my gamers can be for others. Whenever I “die” (because I am gonna die multiple times for sure), my gamers can fight on my behalf and be a little braver than they thought they were for someone they care for.

We, adults, care for and protect children. The hope and want is over time, our kids learn to be brave to venture into the unknown. While we have precious time together, we can protect our kids from certain things. If and when they face hardships, the hope is that we have a foundation of memories where they were allowed to be brave and practice in safe environments over time. And as life happens, the games will still be there to practice being brave again when we forget. Some of us need the safety of our games to test reality out, have emotional outlets, or escape for a little. All valid reasons to play. It’s an ebb and flow of life circumstances, and using games with intention can be one of many tools and memories we can offer those we care for.

Additional Reading:

• What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us - blog post

• Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker - blog post

• Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them - HuffPo contribution

• Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games - YouTube Playlist
  

8 Play Personalities: Video Games to Consider for Each Type

This is a very short list of play personality descriptions and some correlating games to look into. If you know any games that could support a certain play personality, please share in the COMMENTS!

Archetypes are everywhere~ When we are gamers or have gamers in our lives, it can be confusing and overwhelming attempting to understand the merit and strength of an unknown world. With individual balance and perspective can we and gamers in our lives learn to identify what their personal preferences are. If we have one play personality, people with different preferences may be misperceived as spending their time “incorrectly or haphazardly.” It’s similar to a framework of Love Languages where miscommunications can happen because our languages are different.

This list can start conversations and respectful exploration of what creates and instills joy in the people in our lives. It can help bridge misunderstandings, and also invite people to play with the gamers in their lives. We have different reasons to play and different ways to play. They are all valid. A connecting way to build relationships can be honoring how someone plays and facilitating communication through the lens of play.

Play Personalities:

(Referencing Play (pg. 65-70) by Stuart Brown, M.D., founder of the National Institute for Play)

We can use play personalities and other archetypal systems to identify and categorize how we see our gamers and the types of play that matter most to them. For example, Stuart Brown, M.D. identifies 8 play personalities:

The Joker

This may involve silly and nonsensical play. Many games with funny themes or jokes can be a primary source of joy for a Joker. This person may also become a comedian or witty person who has a talent for finding humor in everyday moments. In a world that is too serious and overbearing with bad news, it’s a great outlet to explore and play games that have a lighthearted component. There could be a theme of life is meant to be seen as a range of emotions, where laughter and silliness are important parts of human experience and connection.

• Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

• Ultimate Chicken Horse

• Broken Bones IV (Roblox)

• Fall Guys

• Granny Simulator

• Untitled Goose Game

I am very serious about wellness, but when playing video games my silly side comes out. Here is a video of me playing Cyberpunk 2077 and learning how to drive. Every game has the potential to bring out different personalities. It is just like tools and perspectives—it depends on the person and how you use the tool or game. I decided to use this game as a playful outlet during the beginning of Quarantine. Enjoy :)

The Kinesthete

This type of play involves moving one’s body for the sake of moving the body. There is not much emphasis on competition, but we also have more than one preference in play personalities. A kinesthetic could be an athlete, someone who needs to run and move their body to express joy. There could also be a feeling of connection with the world around you as you move with and observe (also with the Explorer personality). A Kinesthetic personality could play through dance, yoga, building things, taking things apart, and probably learn best by doing. There can be a theme of move and do first, learn and consolidate information and meaning after. (I observe this with SP personality types in the Myers Briggs preferences AND sensory-seeking neurodivergent people).

• VR Games (STEAM)

• DDR

• Just Dance Now

• Just Dance 2022

• Beat Saber

The Explorer

An Explorer finds joy and exhilaration in expanding possibilities and researching areas of interest. According to Brown (2009), this can include the physical and abstract where anything from chasing unknown expanses of the world, participating in food adventures, conducting experiments of all kinds, to rabbit hole researching on the internet or at the library all serve different forms of satiating the desires to explore and know more. A possible theme for the Explorer could be “There is so much beauty and joy in the physical world and concepts around us. We can learn about ourselves and others if we participated fully in this adventure of life.”

• The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

• Genshin Impact

• Minecraft

• Subnautica

• Best Open World Games (PC Gamer)

• Games that challenge problem solving skills

The Competitor

I pair this play personality with the Perfectionist in this blog. Winning and mastery can become joyful endeavors. You can see this person cranking hours upon hours researching game strategies, practicing their sport, and watching the best in the game compete. There is a rush with being the best, winning, and accumulating points or in-game currency to purchase upgrades and other game-related items. Having a Competitor play archetype can be a gift where you are persistent, driven, and able to focus on long-term goal accomplishments. Playing competitively can also be a way to channel strong emotions after a tough day or channel energy in general. A potential theme for Competitors could be: Competition is healthy, and I have what it takes to improve myself in the things that interest me. I can even be the best in these things.

• League of Legends

• Super Smash Bros

• Fortnite

• Bed Wars (Minecraft)

• Elden Ring

• Games with guilds, ranked PVP, raids, and boss events

• Games that require upgrades and “grinding” to level characters and armor up, achievements

The Director

Brown (2009) states Directors are born organizers of events and scenes. These charismatic people can be seen telling other kids where to go and what to do on the playground, even as young as preschool. I remember seeing young Directors telling other kids what the rules of the game were, what everyone’s roles were, and how to execute their lines of dialogue. Some potential gifts related to being a Director include seeing the natural gifts of others and helping them shape their identities. A theme of Director could be: “…the world’s a stage and the rest of us are only players in the Director’s game” (Brown, 2009, p.68).

• Simulation games

• Real-Time Strategy (RTS)

• Games with generations and evolution, mutation possibilities

• Spore

• Stellaris

• Age of Empires

• Civilization

The Collector

I notice many neurodivergent and 2egifted people have Collector play personalities. There is a need to collect things ranging from tangible, intangible, and experiential things. Having special interests, there could be a want to collect, sort, and classify tangible things like rocks, toys, cards, figurines, trains, toy cars, collectibles, stuffies, leaves, or fossils. OR there could be a mix of wanting to observe and feel a range of emotional experiences. Backpacking across the world to surround oneself with different cultures and foods could be a form of play.

In video games, like Pokemon, the motto is “Gotta catch ‘em all” where you find and battle pokemon and pokemon trainers to level up and win rare and powerful critters. There are hundreds of Pokemon and their evolutions, so it is very much a game involving goal-oriented persistence and repetition.

A potential theme of the Collector could be: I find meaning and joy in accumulating items/memories and surrounding myself with my interests. It is a way to express my identity as well as documentation of a life well-lived and explored.

This Animal Crossing gameplay was lovingly recorded by Jamila Mahfudh, LMFT. She is a Geek Therapist in California who works with adolescents and adults. She risked showing her messy world to create content for the community. lol You can learn more about Jamila at www.jamilatherapy.com

• Magic the Gathering Arena

• Animal Crossing

• Games where you design a home, environment

• Find the Chomiks (Roblox)

• World of Warcraft (collecting achievements, mounts, gear, levels)

• Any game with inventories and gear sets, pet collecting games, Find the X games

The Artist/Creator

Artists find deep meaning in creating. There is an innate need to channel inspiration and personal inquiry by making something. Many times these art works can be private like journaling, or writing song lyrics to cope or commemorate important life events. There could be experimentation with different combinations of media, as well as devotion to one form of art. Artists can range from traditionalists to avante-garde where they push boundaries of artistic expression and what defines art. An artist could seek to grow by mastering their craft through technical skills, or they could also be more focused on the depth of meaning behind their art and how it’s received by an audience. Other times artists do not care about how their work is interpreted. Some themes of creating could be: “What if…?” or “How can I creatively express my subjective experiences/curiosity/a passion in a beautiful or novel way?”

In terms of video games, Minecraft continues to be one of the most popular outlets for virtual expressions of creativity. Animal Crossing and any other game with avatars or the options to change your avatar or decorate home are great tools for creative self expression.

• The SIMS

• Stardew Valley (You can build and organize a farm)

• Minecraft

• Welcome to Bloxburg (Roblox)

• Fortnite (Creative mode: You can build on your Island)

• Games with avatars and skins you can modify or change often

Above is a screenshot from Fortnite creative where my niece and nephew turned my island into a world or trees and hearts for Valentine’s Day. They were able to use the game as a sandbox and use the tools available to express care and creativity. In this sandbox, there are variable trees, foliage, everyday items, and structures to build your unique world.

The Storyteller

Brown (2009) states that storytellers can be the creators of stories but also the ones who consume them. There is a lens of beauty and immersion in seeing stories everywhere you go. It can be in the mundane and exceptional moments of life, stories can be seen in any game a person participates in or observes. Storytellers can intentionally choose to play story-based games as well. The imaginations of Storytellers are rich and deep. They find refuge in the many worlds they belong to, and can world build in detail and complexity compared to other play personalities. (Side note: storytellers probably also love anime, science fiction, or fantasy types of media)

• Life is Strange

• Detroit: Become Human

• GRIS

• Undertale

• Outer Wilds

• Genshin Impact

• Fire Emblem

• Final Fantasy series

• Minecraft (world-building OR following gamers online — Dream SMP)
  

  Please note different games can fall into several categories. We are complex beings. Although we may have similar interests or personalities, the inner experiences we have are still unique to us. When it comes to learning about and connecting with others, we can use references and tools as road maps. The adventure and process of self-discovery may have detours, surprises, and affirming outcomes. Please consider the information shared as a place to start. You get to decide which information to keep and use. You are the hero of your story.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Things to Consider:

• Do I have a negative bias towards certain play personalities?

• Do I give myself permission to play without feeling guilty?

• What are some early messages I have about play and playful adults?

• What is my play personality?

• Do I consider Video Games less valid than other forms of play?

• How can I incorporate playful moments into my life?

• What brought me joy as a child, and how can I honor this now?

• When figuring out someone’s play personalities, which values and keywords stand out?

  
  Additional Content:

• Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games — YouTube Playlist

• What is a Geek Therapist — YouTube Video with Jamila Mahfudh LMFT

• Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them — My HuffPo Contribution

• What Being a Hero in a Video Game Teaches Us — blog post

• Benefits of Minecraft SMPs (mental health, parenting, education) — YouTube Video

• Level Up Your Life! — (I ramble about my educational background, interests, and work) Geekoscopy Podcast
  
  

Five Archetypes to Examine For Personal Development

This is written through the lens of gaming, play, and archetypes, specifically for the sensitive and divergent thinker. For those who do not have a sensitive, outcast, or divergent primary archetype, please feel free to substitute the archetypes and traits as appropriate. This is a way of seeing your archetypes and using them to grow in your unique ways.

Which Archetypes and Roles are you Using?

Personality psychology can be a powerful lens and tool for learning about your gifts, traits, and individual paths of growth. For those of us figuring out who we are, what we are meant to do with this lifetime, it can be overwhelming and confusing because we internalized the archetypes and roles other people gave us.

What does it mean to internalize the roles other people gave us? When we are children and vulnerable, it can be common to accept what people say about us without question. In family systems, there are complex dynamics where we learn to adapt to survive. This adaptation to survive sometimes means we become something that limits our possibility of self.

For instance, in family situations where our sensitivity was seen as a nuisance or weak, we may believe that’s all we are—SENSITIVE and nothing else. We may use this identity as a crutch, because we’ve never seen the strength of sensitivity honored. When we are in an environment where sensitivity isn’t given space to exist safely, we may indirectly believe there is something wrong with us. We may start to think and believe sensitivity is bad, and that we are bad, too.

We may internalize certain messages that accompany the roles or archetypes people told us we were, or the roles and archetypes we used to survive in situations we had little control over.

Some of the Early Archetypal Messages:

• The (Wounded) Healer

  • My needs are not important. In order to create safety and survive in this environment, I have to learn to (or intuitively) read the needs of others, especially ones in positions of power and control. My identity revolves around being able to help others. If I do not help others successfully, there is something wrong with me.

  • My role is to save people and see what they need to heal and grow. I know what they need and can be a catalyst for change. I can see my pain in the struggles of others and can come from a genuine place of empathy.

  • As a child or vulnerable person, it served me well to appease people with authority to keep myself safe or out of trouble.

  • I have antennae for “wounded” people where I can help whoever needs it. Sometimes it feels overwhelming having this need to help others, but it also feels good to help people in so much pain. My personal feelings for painful experiences intertwine with the lives of others and I get overly invested and irritated if I can’t help people “fast enough.”

• The Black Sheep/Outcast/Alien

  • No one understands me. I struggle to find a place to belong, even in communities that have similar types of people and interests. I feel like I will never belong.

  • I’ve been blamed for the collective struggles of groups and relationships when all I want to do is speak the truth and live authentically.

  • I feel special for being different, yet yearn to be part of something intimate and accepting. I may perpetuate this specialness by intentionally acting out in extraordinary ways to get attention. Or I may genuinely express myself in outrageous ways as self-expression.

  • Due to a history of rejection and feeling misunderstood, I may find it difficult to believe someone wants to know me. To avoid rejection, I may push people away or become isolated from human connections.

• The Sick One

  • I always feel weak and may get physically ill often (without physical reason).

  • People remind me and focus on telling me I am “always sick.”

  • I believe my role in being the sick one in the family and didn’t think I could feel better. I accepted this pain, fatigue, and weakness as an unchanging part of life. As a result, it became chronic (again, with no medical support).

  • Being sick allowed others to care for me and it felt good to be the one being cared for. Or it was overbearing and suffocating having people hyperfocus on my health and wellness. I may seek relationships where I continue to be seen as a sick person outside of my other traits and strengths.

• The Victim

  • I am powerless against what happens in life. I am weak and voiceless.

  • People (or entities) continue to take advantage of and manipulate me.

  • I am unable to fight for myself. I wish and hope for a rescuer to save me.

  • I may not know what healthy, respectful relationships look like and unconsciously gravitate towards people who are abusive or unhealthy. Because all I know is being hurt and a society that harms vulnerable people, I am uncertain and confused about what healthy relationships can look like.

  • Because I know what deep pain from being hurt and manipulated feels like, I can offer compassion and gentleness to others struggling. I can also many times fight and speak for others who are in similar situations, but not myself.

• The One With Potential (Perfectionist)

  • I grew up being insightful talking about things adults and peers did not. I was constantly told of my potential and intellectual gifts.

  • Because I was highly creative, curious, and intelligent, I was left without tools and scaffolds to grow. People assumed I would just know what to do in life. I was just a kid but was seen as a “small adult” or “old soul”.

  • Because I was left alone to figure it out, I feel like an imposter. I also think I need to prove my intellectual capacity without any help. I’ve paired asking for help with being inferior and renouncing my intelligence.

  • I am frozen with the extremes of analysis and overdoing. I conceptually understand nothing can be perfect, but stop myself from participating in life because the fear of failing is too strong. I either over-research and prepare things that never lead to creation, or I constantly edit my work and projects because “it’s never good enough.”

  • In relationships, I may never feel like I am good enough a partner or friend. I may sabotage good things thinking I am not deserving of love because I am not perfect.

When You Have One or Many of These Archetypes

Being honest with yourself is a place to start. When you’re highly sensitive or neurodivergent, you can get the message that your thinking or feeling is incorrect compared to the dominant narrative. This is untrue, of course. We all have subjective, personal experiences of what life is and what our inner stories are.

Systemically and politically, too, there are real complex reasons that shape how marginalized people are treated. There are nuances to disability and invisible conditions that make subjective experiences difficult to prove to those who never needed to see through the lens of marginalization and systemic inequality.

These inner experiences are valid and important. When we try to cope with one role, archetype, or persona for survival reasons, we sometimes forget we can be more. We may think we are unsafe to be more (in the past it was unsafe to do so), or we’ve forgotten what other parts of us existed. The wonderful thing about archetypes is the possibility of becoming so much more~ There are possible roles we haven’t tried before because unique reasons. And now it can be time to slowly try on different roles without expectation.

That’s the neat thing about personal empowerment and learning about yourself with loving compassion. It’s a journey, meaning there is no one right or wrong way to do this. When you are ready, the journey is there. There will be challenges and wonderful successes. There will be hardship, and there will be times when you see how much you’ve changed since you started.

If you identify strongly with any of these archetypes, being kind to yourself and accepting of all the ways the archetype shows up in your life is a great first step. How does a person react to this understanding that a role has affected their life both positively and negatively? Again, with patience, compassion, and acceptance.

Accepting that a role existed to survive in the past takes time. This role can also affect you now in the present. Knowing that you have permission to examine the good, bad, and neutral things this role gave you is a process.

• Journal about how these archetype traits affect your personal development and your relationships.

  • What are some ways these roles protected me as a child?

  • What are some strengths I developed from these roles as an adult?

  • What are some messages I want to tell my younger self?

    • This may require a therapist and grief work. You are also welcome to do this work alone, and with trusted people.

  • How did I participate in staying “stuck” in this role?

    • Again, this may need support with a therapist, and you are strong enough to do this work alone.

  • Which messages do I have a difficult time with? Which messages were lies that I believed?

  • Who benefited from me having this role? Who will also have to adjust to my changes?

  • Which parts of this role do I no longer need?

  • Which ROLES or ARCHETYPES no longer serve me now?

  • What can I say to thank my past and current archetypes for how they protected me?

• If you are sensitive or were shamed about an archetype you have

  • Being seen as your whole self can help reduce shame. This can come from finding communities in the fandoms you love.

  • Learning who to share vulnerability and sensitivity with will also take practice.

  • Think about green relationship flags. Before anyone is allowed to see your sensitivity, who supports you without harsh criticism? Who listens empathically without telling you how to live your life? Who sees your strengths and reminds you of them?

    • Who sees your strengths and abilities to fight for yourself? Who lets you do your best to try, fail, and come back when you’re ready?

  • When you have a corrective emotional experience does Shame stop you from believing that things can and have changed for the better?

    • Ask trusted people to help you see all the things you’ve done to grow and fight for your growth!

    • Give yourself compassion to see and believe in how far you’ve come. It takes a fighter to be a sensitive person in a harsh world.

• Using your fandoms and interests to support personal development

  • If I could be another archetype to grow in life, which one would it be?

    • Look at the heroes, fandoms, video games, and stories you love. Which characters are you cheering for? Which story arcs feel the most personal to you? Think about how these stories are similar to yours.

    • Find the strengths and successes in the stories you gravitate towards. Give yourself permission to be as heroic as these characters.

  • Where is it safe for me to practice loving my archetypes and trying new ones?

    • Video games, cosplay, comics, online communities, making art, role-playing, coaching, and therapy are all valid ways to try new roles. They can be a part of you in these worlds, and when you are ready/want to, a part of you to share with others and the outside world.

    • Draw your archetypes. See which ones speak the most to you, and which are hiding or waiting to have permission to show up.

    • Make art without any intentions in mind. Focus on a theme or archetype you’d like to channel.

  • Did these characters receive help from others?

    • Find your own aides, mentors, and special people.

  • What are some of the mantras or affirmations you love from these fandoms? Write them down!

  • Did these characters struggle with darkness, and cycles of ups and downs?

    • You have your own journey of ups and downs, too.

Archetypal growth and personal development are part of lifelong processes and cycles. Wherever you are along this journey, there is a collective of people who have similar struggles. It can help to heal and grow knowing so many people identify with and believe in the same heroes you do. There are so many people walking their paths, tripping, falling, and getting back up with hard-earned wisdom to keep going. Again, at their own pace and time. Just like you.

Additional Research or Reading Topics:

• Joseph Campbell & Bill Moyers - The Power of Myth

• The Enneagram

• The Ultimate Archetype List

• Caroline Myss

• Jean Shinoda Bolen

• Tarot Archetypes

• 12 Jungian Archetypes

5 Reasons Gamers Won't Share About Gaming

I am an active participant in multiple FaceBook groups. Many topics are discussed where gaming and mental health are a primary interest of mine. There are stigmas and stereotypes related to different subcultures, and sometimes we may internalize them, or feel uncomfortable talking about being part of a culture with these greater messages implicitly affecting us.

I asked my FaceBook friends how they'd respond if someone (non-gamer) asked about video games. The responses were insightful. I remember wanting so badly to share my loves, sometimes my obsessions with a game, and yet I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to share with someone who wasn't interested, and I didn't want to share too much. In relation to mental health, relationships, and therapy, here are some responses to why a gamer would not share about gaming.

1. Being seen as a child

Gaming is not accepted everywhere in the adult world, and it can be paired with being childlike. In order to separate oneself from these assumptions, a gamer may not respond when someone asks them about their interests. It might be admitting to being like a child, which can be embarrassing or shameful. The tone of the person asking may also indicate a bias they (may or may not) be aware of. 

Take note of your tone when speaking with a gamer. They might be able to pick up a subtle tone that appears mocking or condescending. If that is not the intention, please explore the possiblity of misinterpretations. 

2. They were made fun of for their interests in gaming

Our histories shape us and can permeate our present filters of the world, as well as our exchanges with others. If a gamer were bullied or made fun of for playing, it can make it difficult to share when someone genuinely wants to know. The past can appear very real and very present with many of us, so it can take time before a gamer can trust again to share their stories. 

Time and patience can help develop a stronger rapport. Maybe showing up and accepting a gamer, without the pressure to speak, can help prove that kindness is real, and that some people actually want to know about their worlds. Watching a gamer play can also be a nonverbal way of connecting and building trust.

3. Associating games with violence and the problems of the world

This is a common practice especially when a tragedy occurs. Instead of individual and contextual responsibility, an entire subculture gets blamed for the violence of others. To witness this repeated correlation of blame and the pairing of negative traits like high aggression and violence, gamers may not openly express their interests in gaming. To do so would indirectly acknowledge a possible inclination towards these negative traits.

Sharing about current events, and how studies can and do skew data can help strengthen the relationship. Focusing on the positive aspects of games can also show how you are an ally and curious about the culture. 

4. No one wanted to listen before, so they question whether anyone wants to listen now.

Growing up, some of us may have a more difficult time connecting with and making friends who share similar interests. This difficulty, whether it was in the home or at school, can lead to a lack of practice sharing about one's interests. So when we do find someone who wants to listen or knows about stuff you like, you might not believe it. Instead of sharing, a gamer could deny that someone is expressing genuine interest and stop themselves from connecting. 

Be present with the gamer. Having to enjoy your hobbies, interests, and play with online friends or away from IRL people can make it a slow adjustment to believe someone, a non-gamer (even another gamer), wants to hear about their life and stories. 

5. They've scared people away when sharing "too much"

Considering how a gamer might not have a steady flow of interactions with others IRL where they can share their interests, it can come out in bursts when they do find someone who wants to understand and listen. Perhaps this burst of sharing is overwhelming and the opportunity to share again is no longer present, or the gamer is self-conscious about how they shared too much the first time.

Self-compassion. It's important to slowly honor our quirks and how unique our experiences are. A gamer may not always have access to community or opportunities to share, *really* share about their gaming. Not everyone wants to know, or they can't keep up with all the terminology. It can be discouraging. Checking in with being overwhelmed with information can help pause or spread the dialogue over time. This can give each person a chance to digest new information and know that a future conversation is possible, so it does not have to be shared at once. It's okay to review another time, or clarify what you didn't cover the next time you meet.

 

Pokémon Go - Safety Tips and General Playing

Pokemon Go is a free augmented reality (AR) mobile game released this week. It is currently in beta version, so there are kinks to work out. The data generated by users will definitely help developers guide the evolution of this game. There are plenty of sites devoted to the ins and outs of playing, so the focus of this writing is safety and general observations related to playing pokemon go.

Be Mindful of Your Surroundings.

When you open the game, this is your first message. From playing and watching others, here are some things to consider:

Stopping While Walking

In public, and crowded spaces, stopping unexpectedly can make people bump into each other. It may not be a big deal to some, but it might upset others and cause trouble.

Objects, and Tripping

Watch where you’re walking. Some gamers walked into walls, each other, or missed a step on a flight of stairs while walking. Two players have already walked off cliffs catching Pokemon. Please be mindful of where you are walking. 

Crowding in Areas

This might also lead to pushing. This game is meant to be fun, and some gamers are more serious than others when it comes to catching pokemon.

300 Yard Radius

When you’re tracking a pokemon, you may potentially wander from your group. Let friends know before wandering off, and identify a meet up spot when you do get split up.

 Private Property

Sometimes there will be pokemon in areas you cannot reach. Please think about boundaries and respecting the space of others.

Respecting Small, Quiet Communities

There are already locations being swamped by players hoping to catch rare Pokemon. This is changing and disturbing the quality of life for those who moved away from the big city for a quieter life. Please find another location to hunt Pokemon, and petition to have pokestops and gyms in areas that can handle larger numbers of people. 

Trash and the Environment

The sudden influx of people into many cities will lead to noise pollution and trash. It will happen. Please represent the gamer community well by doing your part to clean up after yourself, and leaving a space the way you found it, or even better. 

Pokemon in the Street

This is a beta version, so there are kinks to work out. I’ve seen pokemon in the street, and people walking into traffic to get their pokemon. Wait. It’s not worth getting hurt, or hurting others. 

 Driving While Playing

Please do NOT do this. People have a hard enough time driving without checking their texts. This is a potentially huge safety concern, and it can lead to more accidents and untimely deaths. (This is not the same as having a passenger play while you drive.) A player crashed his car trying to catch a Pokemon while driving. DON'T DRIVE & PLAY. 

 Well-known Public Spaces

Malls, downtown areas, and universities are busy areas that tend to have lots of pokestops and gyms. Walking in the middle-of-nowhere can be a safety concern, and it may not be as fun as meeting other players in public spaces. 

 Working and Playing

It depends on how flexible one’s work environment is, but losing a job over catching a pokemon, or accidentally taking a photo of confidential information is a huge risk. Pokemon GO player almost loses job

The Camera When Snapping Photos 

Some people may not want their photos taken and plastered on the internet with pokemon on them. Be mindful of offering this respect.

Children & Searching for Pokemon 

It can be easy for enthusiastic younger pokemon trainers to run off when they’re tracking. It can also be easy to talk to younger gamers because of this connection. It will be important for parents and community members to talk to, and keep an eye out for the safety of little ones.

This meme is a joke, but it raises a very real concern about the safety of children when playing. 

Safety & General Playing:

• Wear comfortable shoes, socks, and clothes. You will be traveling for a while. Your body may be sore from this new level of activity.
• Rest often, and drink water. Lots of us get carried away when gaming. There have been stories when gamers exhausted themselves to death, or they got really ill from playing too much without self care. Drink water, take breaks. The pokemon will be there another time. Your health and wellness is important.
• Bring a charger, and map out rest stops. Some places will have outlets and quiet spaces for you to rest in between catching pokemon or battling in gyms. As any athlete will tell you, rest and nutrition are as important as training. Familiarize yourself with each area you travel to, and note resting places.
• Safety in numbers: It’s safer with a group. Keep an eye out for each other, and have meeting spots and times if and when the group gets separated.

courtesy of legit lady gamers community united fb group <3 

• Scout your area before settling down to explore. Drive around, check with other players, or walk around before playing. Look for the pokestops and see if there are people lurking nearby. Trust your gut, and walk away if things don't feel right. 
•  Sportsmanship: This is a game. Some of us may take this game more seriously or personally than others. Please consider how others may feel when they lose or do not catch a really rare pokemon when you do.
• Turning off AR: This may help with extending the life of your battery.
• Check your data usage before, during, and after playing. This will help see if you will overuse data. 
• Look for public spaces with free WiFi. Malls might have free WiFi while you play.
• Battery-saving mode: Turn your phone upside down for this feature to work. It will dim your screen while in this position.
• Share the love: This is a game for people of all ages; new pokemon players, and well as those who’ve grown up with the cards, cartoons, and games. Encourage each other, and share the joys of success. This world has enough negativity in it. This game can bring people together (even when we’re on different teams).

So far, it seems these are the classifications of pokemon from how common to rare they are to find. Have fun catching all those Rattatas and Pidgeys! :P Some Pokemon GO Gameplay Tips | BuzzFeed

Gaming & Anger

Nerd Rage, Rage Quitting, and Angry Gamers

Nerd rage. Rage quitting.

If you have a gamer in your life, or are a gamer, you've most definitely come across game rage at least once. So, what exactly is it? The top definition on Urban Dictionary is: "to stop playing out of anger." There are additional components that make rage an appropriate word for this behavior. 

Sometimes the rage is accompanied with screaming, breaking things, physical aggression, and heightened emotionality. Losing not only once, but numerous times, being harassed online, or having difficulties with a game can lead to rage quitting.

Before some commentary on this behavior is shared, here is a video of what can commonly occur when a gamer experiences rage quitting. This is one of countless recordings available online. 

Now, this video was shared not to ridicule or shame gamers. It was shown to illustrate the seriousness of this problem. Around the world, there are millions of homes where gaming is part of everyday life. That means around the world, it can be fairly common to have a gamer get angry or a family member argue about bed times and spending time off the computer or console. This means that gaming and anger in the family is a normal thing, and yet games are being blamed. 

Is gaming really the problem?

Sometimes gaming is the problem. Sometimes it's part of the problem. Sometimes it's the solution for a chaotic life filled with problems. It really depends on context, and individual circumstances. In general, gaming can be the last part of the puzzle where a person who has limited coping skills finally has an outlet to channel anger and other strong emotions. In regards to many men and boys getting angry, there is something curious to consider:

Socially acceptable emotions for men and boys.

Expanding on traditional gender roles and emotional expression has changed within a generation. Even so, there are remnants of the "boys will be boys" and "boys don't cry" mentalities in the minds of many men and boys we know. Millennials, Gen Y, and Gen X gamers can come from a burdened culture where they are not allowed to express feminine emotions. This can be very draining, and misdirect every other emotion into anger. 

Underneath this rage that can "appropriately" be expressed from gaming and being competitive (because it's masculine and acceptable behavior) is lots of pain, unresolved losses, and vulnerability. Men and boys may be less likely to share directly about painful emotions unless it's a result of competition or gaming. This leaves males with a smaller window of opportunity to express normal emotions that females generally share throughout the day. 

What does this build up of emotion do to the human body? Emotions and intense energy builds up, and needs a release. If it isn't released in small bursts, well, you get rages.

Emotions are like air filling up in a balloon. There is only so much that can fill before it bursts. 

Females also get angry. 

Around half of all gamers are female. This leads to expanding on more traditional gender stereotypes or assumptions with female. Females can and do play all types of games, and can also experience nerd rage. Gaming can be an outlet for women where in general, the greater culture may not accept female anger or aggression as openly as when males do. 

Females may be pressured to maintain harmony in groups, and suppress feelings of anger to please others. This is not always the case, of course, yet there are socializing agents that may heavily shape a female's range of expressing negative emotions; the same way men are not nurtured to acknowledge more vulnerable types of emotions. According to an article on gender and anger, men tend to be more physical and aggressive with their anger, while females tend to be more passive aggressive (GOSSIPING).

Gaming may be used as a safer negative emotional outlet for some. It may be healthier to release anger while yelling and killing creeps in a videogame than picking a fight with a random person who bumped into you. In addition to all the positive aspects gaming offers its players, some may use it solely for an emotional outlet; others, not so much. Context is important. 

Context for anger

For many gamers, life can be difficult and overwhelming. People may not always be the kindest, and social support might be minimal. Being misunderstood, and not being able to connect with others may add context to why some gamers have angry outbursts when they play. Having a childlike heart, or being labeled as immature, or lazy by loved others can also be disheartening. Countless stereotypes on being a gamer can make it even more difficult to connect with non-gamers. Adult children affected by the recession, Millennials, also have an added layer of difficulty to finding work and finishing school while some of their peers may be more "successful." 

How nerd rage affects family & relationships

Gaming and anger can become a focus within the family system or relationship. This intense focus on anger can cause arguing, break ups, and additional anger from others. The entire experience can be frustrating, overwhelming, and tiring. Lots of people may start giving ultimatums for the gamer to quit playing "or else" something will be taken away. Parents of adult gamers may feel guilty for permitting the behavior to get to this excessive state, as well as disappointed and upset their child is not thriving. Gamers can feel misunderstood for their love of gaming, annoyed that others want to take something that brings them joy away, and guilty or stuck for not pleasing others. It's a lot of emotions, a lot of perspectives, and a lot of relationship dynamics to consider. 

What happens next?

If extreme anger and gaming are difficult to even initially address, seeking professional support may be a first step. Gaming can be an addiction. If behaviors become difficult, it's important to seek help; either for your own support, or for the family or relationship. Information is invaluable, and learning what gaming can offer a person can help increase connection and open communication. Sometimes arguments and anger can really be about gaming, and sometimes it really isn't about gaming in the first place. Everyone has a story, and every gamer has a history and reason for playing. Listening to understand can make a world of difference. If these initial stages are confusing or difficult to start, an awesomely compassionate and gaming affirmative therapist may be able to help start the healing process. 

5 Things Gamers in Your Life Want You to Know

There may be a stigma with gaming. At times, the greater culture associates gaming with addiction, anger outbursts, and interpersonal problems. As a person from the gaming community, I acknowledge how real these concerns are. Our culture is drenched in technology, and it’s very difficult to separate from video games. Gaming and technology will most likely stay with us for a long time, so there are some ways to maneuver these waters. I’ve asked hundreds of gamers, and thought about some reasons why I enjoyed gaming in the past. Here are some things that might help you connect with the gamer in your life.

Some statistics on gaming

34 years old:The average gamer

39 years old: The average age of most frequent game purchasers

12 years: The average number of years adult gamers have been playing computer or video games

40% of all gamers are female

(http://www.esrb.org/about/video-game-industry-statistics.aspx)

(24 hours a week)

Addicted gamers play twice as much as casual gamers  (http://www.video-game-addiction.org/)

155 million Americans play video games

(http://www.theesa.com/article/150-million-americans-play-video-games/)

1) The Purpose of Gaming

Big Pharma screen shot by David Davis, INTP

• Some of us game to relieve stress or do things we cannot do in "real life," like shoot a gun, or build fantastic castles in the sky.

• It can feel very accomplishing to finish a level, puzzle, or quest in games. When the outside world is difficult, games can help boost confidence to move forward. 

• There can also be a social connection in games that cannot be obtained otherwise. Games can bring people together to create community, common goals, and support. 

• The American Psychological Association shared findings where oxytocin (aka the love drug) is released when gamers play with peers. It is the same hormone released when we hug.

2) Ask Us Questions

World of Warcraft Undead Beastmaster Hunter screenshot, shared by Kenny Royal Hupp, INTP

• Being interested in a gamer's world can help relieve tension on talking about problematic gaming. Perhaps the conversation will lead to understanding of how important games are in a person's life/
• Look for themes in character and game choice. Asking questions about a gamer's favorites can also help understand what is important in the gamer's life. 
• Speaking with a counselor can help with this process if it's too difficult to start. (I can help look for referrals or consult) 

3) It is a Hobby

Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR), Danielle Rivera screen shot

Just like football or ballet, playing video games is a hobby. For some of us, it can be a professional career. (UC Irvine has an eSports team where students play games and have their tuition reduced, many companies have eSports teams around the world, and South Korea has a huge culture that supports eSports athletes.)

Sometimes our loves ones have hobbies we don't like, and we still love them anyways. A way to support our loved one who games is to view the activity like other hobbies. Hobbies have multiple and unique purposes for each of us, and can range from: spending time with friends, relaxing after a stressful day, a monotonous task to not think too much about things, a challenge to overcome, a certain skill set to develop, a creative outlet, a more appropriate emotional release, and a mini adventure. 

4) Limitations are Healthy

There are so many hours in the day, and chores and other responsibilities are part of time management. When gaming becomes problematic (gaming too many hours a day, constant emotional outbursts when losing, anger when being asked to stop play, etc), relationships, school, and/or work can suffer. 

Talking about reasonable times to play, and expectations for contributing to the family can help increase positive interactions with gaming. The goal isn't to take games away from a gamer. The goal is to allow for more priorities and skills to matter as much and be honored as much as gaming. Behavior charts and time tables with kiddos can be very useful visuals and reminders)

Limbo, Playdead.com (suggested by Josh Liu, INTP)

5) Play with Us

Games are meant to entertain, teach new skills, and connect us with others across the globe. Sometimes it's not a preferred hobby for a loved one, but there are things we will not be enthusiastic about, and that's okay. 

In addition to sitting and watching our loved ones play (like watching them play soccer or perform in dance), we can try to play with them. Maybe we can learn to like what they like (at the very least, start to understand), and explore a world of creativity we haven't stepped into before. This hobby may be short-lived or it can carry on through the lifespan. To understand how and why your gamer plays can start with sitting and watching, or asking, "Can I play?"

---

Rule of thumb for gaming:

Casual gamers play 10-20 hours a week. Game addicts may play more than 24 hours a week. (http://video-game-addiction.org)

Signs of possible gaming problems:

• Arguments (yelling and/or fighting) continuously come up when the gamer is asked to stop gaming
• Lying about how much time is being spent gaming
• Increased irritabiity, feelings of sadness, or lack of interest in other activities they may have been interested before
• Extreme anger outbursts when losing games
• Relationships are ignored when gaming
• The quality of school or professional work decreases dramatically, or lack of motivation to do any work
• Sleep, earing, and hygiene are neglected to play
• Oversleeping and gaming through the day
• Constantly talking and thinking about the game for prolonged periods of time

If it's still difficult after a few weeks of trying these five things out, give me a call to see how I can help. I'm in the Orange County, CA area and love working with gamers and their loved ones.

To learn more about the gaming world, click HERE. 

• LIMBO
• Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR)
• Big Pharma
• World of Warcraft
• 5 More Things Gamers in Your Life Want You to Know

On Art (& Gaming) 005 - Kristin Mullinax

Art, and what defines it, has changed significantly over the years. “Good art is art that allows you to enter it from a variety of angles and to emerge with a variety of views.” (Schmich, Mary). In the primitive era, cave paintings were considered art. In the 15th century art was often defined by ingenious written works, lavish paintings, and silver- tongued orators. I believe I, as a millennial, am experiencing a significant shift in what is considered art and have, perhaps, the broadest assortment to choose from. In my generation art can encompass anything from traditional mediums, such as paint and the written word, to non-traditional mediums, such as technology. To me, art is multidimensional in its execution and its consumption. To the artist, art is a pouring out of the soul through a medium.  To the viewer, art provokes contemplation, motivation and action. Art is deep, meaningful communication that moves people.      

    I’m a gamer. For those who don’t understand the term, it means someone who plays video games on a regular basis. I started playing games regularly when I was a kid, then life got in the way and I stopped for many years. Some may say that stopping was a good thing but I disagree. Gaming taught me resourcefulness, problem solving, how to work hard to reach my goals and how to feel confidence; things my parents neglected to instill in my sister and me.

In an article titled “The Millenials are coming,” Marian Salzman says of Millenials “Some of them are the greatest generation… They have these tools to get things done… They are enormously resourceful.” This reminds me of my sister and me when we were younger. We grew up as latchkey kids who, more or less, raised ourselves. To stave off boredom we developed keen imaginations that kept us busy for hours. When our imaginations failed us, we read books or watched cartoons on TV.  Then, one evening, my father brought home a computer he purchased; along with a box of random software and hardware, from a man he worked with. The only internet connection available to us was dial-up which was prohibitive in its slow speed. With internet use limited, my sister and I played the games that came with the computer.

    My favorite game to play then was called “Jill of the Jungle.” In this game you play as an Amazon woman named Jill who zips through the trees on vines as she fights various jungle monsters. Jill was strong and brave; the polar opposite of my timid self, and I aspired to be her. For a while the hope of that identity shaped how I acted. However, that dream didn’t last for long. Merely surviving the popularity contest of middle and high school consumed most of my time and energy. My childlikeness began to be replaced with insecurity and games were not “cool” for girls, so I stopped playing them.

     In “Outcast Generation” the author writes “My new friend… introduced me to a world...where I never thought I would find others like myself.” By the time I was 23, I had moved to Seattle, left my religion, and was in the process of reinventing my life. I felt lost and foreign to Seattle until I met the man I dated for a while. He was an avid gamer and he introduced me to a game called Legend of Zelda. Legend of Zelda is an action adventure game about a boy named Link who is on a quest to save his homeland, Hyrule; and the princess Zelda from a man named Ganon. In order to progress through the levels the player often must solve puzzles, problem solve and think critically about their next steps. The game highlights friendship, loyalty, and courage. I carried elements I learned in the game out to my everyday life and applied the principles to situations at home and work. Once again, games began to inspire change in me and shaped parts of my identity. As Dave Marsh said, in “Fortunate Son,” “No longer did I feel powerless, and if I still felt cheated, I felt capable of getting my own back, someday, some way.” Through gaming I felt equipped to step out into the world and pursue my dreams.

    The game I most love is called “The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.” Even as an older game, it is still one of the most immersive and aesthetically pleasing games available. It is an open world, adventure RPG (role playing game) in which you create a character who will become the Dragonborn: the savior of Skyrim who defeats the dragons who have been terrorizing its people. Open world games are fascinating, they're created to have very large boundaries so that players can explore the world where the game is set. A player can choose to travel around a mountain, or climb it; they wade through a river or simply follow it to their destination. The player levels up by gathering resources, forging weapons and tools, and practicing their skills all while accepting quests to assist Skyrim’s inhabitants. This game has, perhaps, shaped me the most as an adult.

    My character is a woman. She is brave, she fights dragons daily, as well as other monsters that stalk the land. She is a fierce dual wielder who attacks her enemies with the speed and precision of a well-trained warrior.  She is also a skilled magician who can call fire from the sky and ice from the air around her. I aspire to be like her; with obvious exceptions. In real life I try to be brave, I work towards being strong in body and in mind, I practice and study to develop skills needed to pursue my goals.  The vivid world I play in has inspired me to create a similar world for myself. I live in an open world, I can travel around the mountain or I can climb it; I can wade through the river or follow it to my destination. I haven't battled dragons or search for treasure, I haven't joined any guilds or helped shop owners locate missing items, but my life is an adventure nonetheless. My quests are my goals and dragons are challenges I face along the way. Like my character when a dragon looms above her, when I encounter a problem in life, I fortify myself and I draw my sword. When I approach problems as I would in the game I am able to think through them and execute appropriate solutions.

    I am not an anomaly. The gaming community is large and in it you will find many creative, passionate, driven people. Gamers live much of their lives on a quest for excellence; even if excellence is obtained by getting the highest score in Mario, maxing out our Two Handed weapon skill, or creating the perfect replica of Altair’s sword for our costume. Games feed our imaginations, but they also feed our drives. Game designers, who create these stunning worlds and orchestrate mind boggling challenges, are definitely artists. Their art speaks; it inspires and motivates a group of people who may not be driven by promises of wealth or fame, but by promises of titles such as Vault Hunter or Dragonborn.

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Kristin's MBTI preference is INFP, and she is a college student and creative. This is just one of many perspectives of a gamer, and it's so awesome to step into her world with her words.