The power of Group Play in Video Games: RPGs and Protecting Others

July 5, 2022 Boonie Sripom

Every week I get to fight creepers with young gamers in Minecraft and other games. The funny thing is that I suck at most of them, but kids want to play with me anyway. My niece and nephew (or clients) become the masters of their world where a trusted adult can see who they can be and what they wish to explore. By observing and accepting the characters and roles my gamers choose, I am able to better understand their strengths and the importance of these roles in their lives.

I will write in terms of working with children, but this applies to people of all ages. There is no age limit to play and explore through play.

Reframing Video Games, Play, and Archetypal Exploration:

Play is the natural language of children. It is a universal way to connect, practice life skills, and attempt at trying to make sense of the world around us. We see children wanting to dress up like their parents, repeat behaviors and phrases they heard, and pretend to be someone or something they saw in a storybook, film, or in the outside world. Through these repetitions, we can incorporate a sense of understanding, perspective, and possibility into our lives. Preschool teachers, parents, play therapists, and educators are some among many who can use play and the language of play to facilitate growth, but also, to nonverbally understand the inner workings, strengths, and hopes of children. There are many benefits to playing, and video games are one way to channel and experiment in a world that continues to feel overwhelming, curious, and chaotic.

Screenshot, Fortnite, property of Epic Games

Discovering New Curiosities & Adventures With Video Games

In the image above, I am playing Fortnite with my niece and nephew. We are running around the map looking for the dinosaur creatures named Klombos. There are several Klombos scattered around the map, and the kids were excited to find them all. We used our microphones and markers on the map to communicate together. A few things were inspired by the initial dino discovery:

The Fortnite map is not small, so we had to agree on initial places to explore, and call out to ask for help if we were fighting (other characters or nonplayers characters, NPCs). This is something we’ve worked on. In the past, the kids got caught up in stress where they forgot to ask for help, or they thought they were invincible and did not need help.
- This modeled and practiced team building, emotional regulation, and stress tolerance.
My niece also has an interest in drawing and recently learned about the scientific method in class. She got a notebook and wrote down the details of each Klombo and sketched them.
- This can help with working memory, something many neurodivergent people need extra practice with. Might as well throw in fun ways to practice recalling facts and details!
Together, we named them. We also imagined what their personalities were and looked for berries to feed them. There was a limited amount of berry bushes so we took turns picking them, which practiced the executive function skill of flexibility.
My nephew started dictating the descriptions of the areas we found the dinos so we could find them again.
- We practiced using the cardinal directions of North, East, South, and West with landmarks to better communicate and navigate as a team.
- Many ND kids and adults have a poor sense of direction and spatial awareness. Practicing navigating on a virtual map is safer and helps with learning important life skills.
We all asked questions about their relationship with other dinosaurs and took turns riding them in-game.

Outside of the game, the kids were able to start conversations about dinosaurs and find books and other media to explore. Although the discovery was virtual, my niece and nephew created a real memory with their auntie. We got to explore a world together where we found dinosaurs, fed them, and took turns riding them.

Role-Playing & Archetypal Exploration

Fortnite screenshot, kids teaching me how to build quickly (property of Epic games)

There is a power in role-playing and fully immersing oneself in the world of pretending. Especially as children, there may be a limited definition of belief of what our roles are and who we can be. When we are little, there may be an inclination to wish we were part of the rich worlds of our heroes. In games with avatars, there is the element of choice and experimentation.

The question of “What if?” is very much honored in the world of pretend and virtual play.

What if we could build into the sky?
What if we had endless building supplies? What could I build?
What if I were The Flash or Captain America? What does it feel like to be as powerful and fast as them? And when you play as them, you can believe: “I AM as fast and powerful as them!”
In certain games, we need a range of roles to make a strong team. Sometimes we can choose the same roles. This is a great exercise in flexibility and team building. Each person can contribute important gifts, even if they are “support” like healers and ranged damage. Not everyone can be or wants to be the tank.
And if you want to try tanking, it’s safe to try it out together.
In a world of big people and rules, chaos, and uncertainty, virtual play can be a great release and place to practice putting on different identity hats safely. It also helps with repetition, something brains need to learn new skills as well as incorporate new truths of who they can be.
Outside games, we may have a certain role or expectations others give us. Trying on different identity hats in games gives freedom for possibility. And again, it offers safety to try it here, leave it, or take it with you when you’re ready.
As social beings, we need validation and mirroring. When a gamer comes to me with any role or character they choose, that is them in our time together. I can offer acceptance as they explore parts of who they are or identities they are curious about.
Growing up or living in marginalized, dismissed communities can create lifelong masking where we hide a lot of who we are. Sometimes we forget and maintain the masks for so long, that we need a bit of practice to take the mask off. Games and play are powerful and safe ways to provide this opportunity.

Kids Teaching Adults, Gamers Teaching Their Coach

Me literally being carried by a kid in a Roblox game LOL

In this Fortnite screenshot (above), kids are showing me how to build very quickly. I love that I am a bad gamer. In almost every game I play with kids, I have a learning curve with learning the terminology, how to survive, or basic gameplay. Sometimes I never learn to play well, but the kids adapt. They can play with their more skilled friends later. Our time together has a different meaning.

Kids and gamers can teach me how to “mod” a game, create new characters, find items on a map, or finish a series of quest objectives.

The neat thing about playing virtual games together is there can be an organic development of roles. We have a range of choices where I can be supportive and hold items for my teammates. My gamers, who are usually very skilled, can be the main heroes with an added layer of mastery and displayed competency when teaching me.

Additional Reading: What is Mastery Learning Model

When used in certain ways, video games and play intuitively adopt the Mastery Learning Model (I didn’t know it had a name!) where lessons are student-led. I get to indirectly assess for and test out a range of executive function skills when playing together. Social-emotional and cognitive skills are also mapped out where I can learn the person of the gamer with me.

For our hour together, my gamers assume the role of teacher and guide. It’s something potentially empowering and important for those who are sensitive and quiet and have histories of being misunderstood. They can take this feeling and memory with them outside the game.

And when the game is too difficult, I can help remind them even an ancient lady like me isn’t perfect at everything. We can play for fun, and the challenge to improve. If and when we overcome a challenge, great. If it doesn’t happen, we are still valuable, and the time spent together is worth having.

Protecting Others in Virtual Adventures

Screenshot of game in Roblox, party with 3 heroes

With countless online role-playing games there is a chance for a gamer to be someone’s protector or healer. Depending on the individual archetypes of a person, practicing protecting someone could be an effective way to practice and internalize a feeling of confidence and strength.

Many in the neurodivergent community have their voices and needs silenced, ignored, or minimized. It makes sense why we escape through special interests and the virtual world so often. We can use our interests to strengthen our voices and advocate for our needs.

Children live in a world where people are telling them what to wear, where to go, what to eat when to sleep, and how to think. It’s a lot of direction. Playing roles that facilitate a range of strengths to support others is a playful way to develop autonomy and confidence.

In the Roblox game screenshot, my niece and nephew started a new game with me. They led the fights and directed where to explore. “Let’s go here first! I have a shield so I will protect you, auntie.” I was so proud of them for taking steps towards fighting bad guys and helping one another meet quest objectives.
Make it applicable. When your gamers are displaying skills and strengths, name them. Show them how these are real parts of themselves and that they can be applied outside games to specific areas of life.

Elden Ring Screenshot, developed by FromSoftware, published by Bandai Namco Entertainment

It’s virtual play AND real memories of being brave, fighting that monster, trying something new, and helping their ancient life coach pass the dungeon.

I love playing fighting and dungeon games because I get to see how brave, patient (because I die and get lost a lot) and strong my gamers can be for others. Whenever I “die” (because I am gonna die multiple times for sure), my gamers can fight on my behalf and be a little braver than they thought they were for someone they care for.

We, adults, care for and protect children. The hope and want is over time, our kids learn to be brave to venture into the unknown. While we have precious time together, we can protect our kids from certain things. If and when they face hardships, the hope is that we have a foundation of memories where they were allowed to be brave and practice in safe environments over time. And as life happens, the games will still be there to practice being brave again when we forget. Some of us need the safety of our games to test reality out, have emotional outlets, or escape for a little. All valid reasons to play. It’s an ebb and flow of life circumstances, and using games with intention can be one of many tools and memories we can offer those we care for.

Additional Reading:

What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us - blog post
Failing Forward as a Young Divergent Thinker - blog post
Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them - HuffPo contribution
Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games - YouTube Playlist

8 Play Personalities: Video Games to Consider for Each Type

June 26, 2022 Boonie Sripom

This is a very short list of play personality descriptions and some correlating games to look into. If you know any games that could support a certain play personality, please share in the COMMENTS!

Archetypes are everywhere~ When we are gamers or have gamers in our lives, it can be confusing and overwhelming attempting to understand the merit and strength of an unknown world. With individual balance and perspective can we and gamers in our lives learn to identify what their personal preferences are. If we have one play personality, people with different preferences may be misperceived as spending their time “incorrectly or haphazardly.” It’s similar to a framework of Love Languages where miscommunications can happen because our languages are different.

This list can start conversations and respectful exploration of what creates and instills joy in the people in our lives. It can help bridge misunderstandings, and also invite people to play with the gamers in their lives. We have different reasons to play and different ways to play. They are all valid. A connecting way to build relationships can be honoring how someone plays and facilitating communication through the lens of play.

Play Personalities:

(Referencing Play (pg. 65-70) by Stuart Brown, M.D., founder of the National Institute for Play)

We can use play personalities and other archetypal systems to identify and categorize how we see our gamers and the types of play that matter most to them. For example, Stuart Brown, M.D. identifies 8 play personalities:

The Joker

This may involve silly and nonsensical play. Many games with funny themes or jokes can be a primary source of joy for a Joker. This person may also become a comedian or witty person who has a talent for finding humor in everyday moments. In a world that is too serious and overbearing with bad news, it’s a great outlet to explore and play games that have a lighthearted component. There could be a theme of life is meant to be seen as a range of emotions, where laughter and silliness are important parts of human experience and connection.

I am very serious about wellness, but when playing video games my silly side comes out. Here is a video of me playing Cyberpunk 2077 and learning how to drive. Every game has the potential to bring out different personalities. It is just like tools and perspectives—it depends on the person and how you use the tool or game. I decided to use this game as a playful outlet during the beginning of Quarantine. Enjoy :)

The Kinesthete

This type of play involves moving one’s body for the sake of moving the body. There is not much emphasis on competition, but we also have more than one preference in play personalities. A kinesthetic could be an athlete, someone who needs to run and move their body to express joy. There could also be a feeling of connection with the world around you as you move with and observe (also with the Explorer personality). A Kinesthetic personality could play through dance, yoga, building things, taking things apart, and probably learn best by doing. There can be a theme of move and do first, learn and consolidate information and meaning after. (I observe this with SP personality types in the Myers Briggs preferences AND sensory-seeking neurodivergent people).

The Explorer

An Explorer finds joy and exhilaration in expanding possibilities and researching areas of interest. According to Brown (2009), this can include the physical and abstract where anything from chasing unknown expanses of the world, participating in food adventures, conducting experiments of all kinds, to rabbit hole researching on the internet or at the library all serve different forms of satiating the desires to explore and know more. A possible theme for the Explorer could be “There is so much beauty and joy in the physical world and concepts around us. We can learn about ourselves and others if we participated fully in this adventure of life.”

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genshin Impact
Minecraft
Subnautica
Best Open World Games (PC Gamer)
Games that challenge problem solving skills

The Competitor

I pair this play personality with the Perfectionist in this blog. Winning and mastery can become joyful endeavors. You can see this person cranking hours upon hours researching game strategies, practicing their sport, and watching the best in the game compete. There is a rush with being the best, winning, and accumulating points or in-game currency to purchase upgrades and other game-related items. Having a Competitor play archetype can be a gift where you are persistent, driven, and able to focus on long-term goal accomplishments. Playing competitively can also be a way to channel strong emotions after a tough day or channel energy in general. A potential theme for Competitors could be: Competition is healthy, and I have what it takes to improve myself in the things that interest me. I can even be the best in these things.

League of Legends
Super Smash Bros
Fortnite
Bed Wars (Minecraft)
Elden Ring
Games with guilds, ranked PVP, raids, and boss events
Games that require upgrades and “grinding” to level characters and armor up, achievements

The Director

Brown (2009) states Directors are born organizers of events and scenes. These charismatic people can be seen telling other kids where to go and what to do on the playground, even as young as preschool. I remember seeing young Directors telling other kids what the rules of the game were, what everyone’s roles were, and how to execute their lines of dialogue. Some potential gifts related to being a Director include seeing the natural gifts of others and helping them shape their identities. A theme of Director could be: “…the world’s a stage and the rest of us are only players in the Director’s game” (Brown, 2009, p.68).

Simulation games
Real-Time Strategy (RTS)
Games with generations and evolution, mutation possibilities
Spore
Stellaris
Age of Empires
Civilization

The Collector

I notice many neurodivergent and 2egifted people have Collector play personalities. There is a need to collect things ranging from tangible, intangible, and experiential things. Having special interests, there could be a want to collect, sort, and classify tangible things like rocks, toys, cards, figurines, trains, toy cars, collectibles, stuffies, leaves, or fossils. OR there could be a mix of wanting to observe and feel a range of emotional experiences. Backpacking across the world to surround oneself with different cultures and foods could be a form of play.

In video games, like Pokemon, the motto is “Gotta catch ‘em all” where you find and battle pokemon and pokemon trainers to level up and win rare and powerful critters. There are hundreds of Pokemon and their evolutions, so it is very much a game involving goal-oriented persistence and repetition.

A potential theme of the Collector could be: I find meaning and joy in accumulating items/memories and surrounding myself with my interests. It is a way to express my identity as well as documentation of a life well-lived and explored.

This Animal Crossing gameplay was lovingly recorded by Jamila Mahfudh, LMFT. She is a Geek Therapist in California who works with adolescents and adults. She risked showing her messy world to create content for the community. lol You can learn more about Jamila at www.jamilatherapy.com

Magic the Gathering Arena
Animal Crossing
Games where you design a home, environment
Find the Chomiks (Roblox)
World of Warcraft (collecting achievements, mounts, gear, levels)
Any game with inventories and gear sets, pet collecting games, Find the X games

The Artist/Creator

Artists find deep meaning in creating. There is an innate need to channel inspiration and personal inquiry by making something. Many times these art works can be private like journaling, or writing song lyrics to cope or commemorate important life events. There could be experimentation with different combinations of media, as well as devotion to one form of art. Artists can range from traditionalists to avante-garde where they push boundaries of artistic expression and what defines art. An artist could seek to grow by mastering their craft through technical skills, or they could also be more focused on the depth of meaning behind their art and how it’s received by an audience. Other times artists do not care about how their work is interpreted. Some themes of creating could be: “What if…?” or “How can I creatively express my subjective experiences/curiosity/a passion in a beautiful or novel way?”

In terms of video games, Minecraft continues to be one of the most popular outlets for virtual expressions of creativity. Animal Crossing and any other game with avatars or the options to change your avatar or decorate home are great tools for creative self expression.

The SIMS
Stardew Valley (You can build and organize a farm)
Minecraft
Welcome to Bloxburg (Roblox)
Fortnite (Creative mode: You can build on your Island)
Games with avatars and skins you can modify or change often

Above is a screenshot from Fortnite creative where my niece and nephew turned my island into a world or trees and hearts for Valentine’s Day. They were able to use the game as a sandbox and use the tools available to express care and creativity. In this sandbox, there are variable trees, foliage, everyday items, and structures to build your unique world.

The Storyteller

Brown (2009) states that storytellers can be the creators of stories but also the ones who consume them. There is a lens of beauty and immersion in seeing stories everywhere you go. It can be in the mundane and exceptional moments of life, stories can be seen in any game a person participates in or observes. Storytellers can intentionally choose to play story-based games as well. The imaginations of Storytellers are rich and deep. They find refuge in the many worlds they belong to, and can world build in detail and complexity compared to other play personalities. (Side note: storytellers probably also love anime, science fiction, or fantasy types of media)

Life is Strange
Detroit: Become Human
GRIS
Undertale
Outer Wilds
Genshin Impact
Fire Emblem
Final Fantasy series
Minecraft (world-building OR following gamers online — Dream SMP)
Please note different games can fall into several categories. We are complex beings. Although we may have similar interests or personalities, the inner experiences we have are still unique to us. When it comes to learning about and connecting with others, we can use references and tools as road maps. The adventure and process of self-discovery may have detours, surprises, and affirming outcomes. Please consider the information shared as a place to start. You get to decide which information to keep and use. You are the hero of your story.

Things to Consider:

Do I have a negative bias towards certain play personalities?
Do I give myself permission to play without feeling guilty?
What are some early messages I have about play and playful adults?
What is my play personality?
Do I consider Video Games less valid than other forms of play?
How can I incorporate playful moments into my life?
What brought me joy as a child, and how can I honor this now?
When figuring out someone’s play personalities, which values and keywords stand out?

Additional Content:
Boonie’s Thoughts on Video Games — YouTube Playlist
What is a Geek Therapist — YouTube Video with Jamila Mahfudh LMFT
Why Kids Love Minecraft & How it Benefits Them — My HuffPo Contribution
What Being a Hero in a Video Game Teaches Us — blog post
Benefits of Minecraft SMPs (mental health, parenting, education) — YouTube Video
Level Up Your Life! — (I ramble about my educational background, interests, and work) Geekoscopy Podcast

7 Traits of an Influential Leader

January 19, 2019 Boonie Sripom

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

Clear language
Concise statements describing tasks
Examples for others to reference
Being open to questions to verify understanding
Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)
Checking-in, but not micromanaging
Listening and confirming the experience of individuals
1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals
Praise for efforts and successes
Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group
Having fun, group events, not always being serious
Encourage members to ask for help or feedback
Model skills to develop
Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks
Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

The Nature of Change

May 26, 2018 Boonie Sripom

Sometimes I'm asked how many coaching sessions are needed before change happens.

This is a difficult question to answer.

Therapists and coaches can't answer this question accurately. Even if there are a limited amount of sessions because of financial constraints, or insurance (for therapy), there is no guarantee that change or any goals will be met. It's a risk and vulnerability to take that leap.

>>>Well, that sucks.

Yes, it does. It's uncomfortable not to have a clear timeline with how long it should take to get the results you're looking for. It can be frustrating having to pay for a service where "nothing is happening." This is where communication as a client, and having the openness and trust of the professional comes in.

It is my job as your coach to instill hope and optimism for change.

It takes trust if we are to create change together. I have to earn your trust.

It's my job to gather information to see where we can start to work on the goals that you've identified as the client. This is a dynamic type of relationship. Sometimes we need to have trial and error. Sometimes we have to see where life is at the moment to see which skills or goals are the most foundational, or significant. It is my job to see how you learn or grow best, by asking questions, giving assignments, and observing.

My job is to give evidence of change. This can come from practicing interventions, but also explaining them in a way that makes the most sense to you. I have to learn how to speak your language and honor your experiences. When you know I seek to understand and have a certain level of understanding of your world, there is a stronger connection for us to build on.

To give ourselves permission to change slowly, think about how long we've been alive, and how long these behaviors have existed. This isn't an easy process, and it involves cycles of small changes and success.

Baby steps & comparisons:

Many of us are guided by perfectionism or feelings of being an imposter. With these lingering thoughts of never being good enough, it makes sense that starting out with change doesn't seem like a big deal; it's not the finish line. We barely started and other people are closer to the goals than us. Why didn't we start earlier? Or if we've been doing this for years, how come it's taking so long? We can start sabotaging ourselves because it's been part of our lives for so long, and the discomforts of comparisons and imposter syndrome start to consume us.

Please, take this into consideration:

You are your own person, with your own story. No one can know entirely what you've gone through, and no one can tell you how to live your life. When you are ready, you are ready.

Some of us make small changes over large time spans. Some of us can change over night. We each have different circumstances and motivations, and access to support with change. These factors make it nearly impossible to compare our stories with others'. Change can be an uncomfortable process. Baby steps are to be celebrated.

What if we get stuck or go backwards?

It's probably going to happen. If you look back on your attempts and successes with change in the past, maybe you've noticed when things made it difficult for you to maintain healthier or more positive types of behaviors. A common factor is stress or sudden changes in life. When we're really stressed out, we tend to gravitate towards comfort and past habits, even if we know they're not the best for us. We sometimes pair using our default patterns as failing. And that's the message we get from the greater culture. We get told we have to be perfect. We have to get it done 100% or it's considered a failure.

That's not realistic. That's not fair. And, it's not being a human being. We make mistakes, and we have hardships with maintaining change all the time. That's the reality of being a human being. We are going to slip up, and default to our old ways every now and then. That's where a skilled coach can come in (a therapist if we are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns) to educate and support you through these stages of change, because ambivalence and maintenance part of it.

Being stuck is very common, and having this "stuckness" honored can actually create momentum to move forward. Many times people have their own agendas for how someone else is supposed to live, and instead of supporting change through encouragement, resistance is created by telling people to do stuff when it's not the right time to do so.

Will other people see your change as quickly as you do?

This is complicated, too. Imagine having to work through changes in how confidently you feel about an area of life. These are internal changes that may or may not be large physical changes in your life. Some people may be more attuned with your habits or mannerisms, and can more quickly notice your changes or process of change. Other people can have their own barriers with seeing change.

This is an added layer of systems psychology and maintaining change: It is one thing to start changing as an individual. It is another difficult layer to maintain change around others who may have sabotaged you, or expected a certain role (types of behaviors) from you in the past. Some people don't want to see the changes you've worked hard on. They want to pick and choose what they see, so they might try to sabotage or dismiss things. This is where habit, changes in environment (people, places, etc) can help maintain the positive changes you've worked so hard on.

Open communication about these environmental factors can help your coach or therapist with offering guidance or asking questions about how to prepare for these situations. Tools and education can be offered with how to create a layer of protection between you and negativity or sabotage you may face.

Our relationship is the most important factor with change.

I hope that my role is to be a guide, teacher, and resource. I can see your strengths, and hopefully, we can get to a place where you can see them, too. This involves hope, education, practice, and working through the ups and downs of building new habits. Coaching is interactive; I value and expect openness to discuss. We can talk about your thoughts on the pace of change, roadblocks, small victories, and any areas we need to focus on.

Each one us of has a different relationship with change. It can be really scary doing this alone. It is scary for me at times, too. Changing and transitioning during parts of my life, I thought being alone was the brave thing to do. I was wrong. Having a mentor, or even friends to check in made the process easier. Knowing this, I hope to honor the unique situations each person has and walk with them on their journeys of change.

We can work together to meet larger goals by having smaller successes over time. These deserve to be celebrated and witnessed.

Boonie (949)381-1894 | organizedmesses@gmail.com

11/2021 I am currently taking waitlist and giving referrals for coaching and therapy.

YouTube Videos:

Links to mental health resources:

What Happens in Coaching?

December 7, 2017 Boonie Sripom

Coaching for artists, geeks, & gamers (1).png

Every now and then I get asked about the differences in coaching and therapy, and what I actually do with clients. The main difference I see that can help differentiate the two overlapping practices is that coaching is more directive than therapy.

This, of course, varies according to a therapist's theoretical orientation or modality. Many therapists practice CBT, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which can be more directive than other forms of therapy. Homework can be assigned, and therapists can weigh certain opinions on what a client can do to grow. Therapy tends to be more client-centered where insight can be developed at the client's own pace.

What happens in coaching? Short-term goals are identified where I can help the client brainstorm how to break things down into smaller, achievable steps. I use Jane McGonigal's writing, Super Better, as a guide to help apply gaming strategies to real life. I also use my background in education and mental health to learn how to best support your learning style while teaching coping strategies. For the readers out there, I assign books and articles to help develop a positive change mindset and educate a client on what they might be working on.

The modality I love is called Bowen Family Systems Therapy. This theory overlaps well with coaching because one of its main interventions is to coach new skills. I view people in terms of their family systems and how the past can shape us, however, I do not dig into the past like a therapist does. To explore the past in depth would lean towards therapy, and my focus is on the present.

I do ask clients about their past patterns to help understand their successes or difficulties with working through hardships. It's important to figure out where we learned certain behaviors or ways of thinking, but again, the focus with coaching is to figure out how to stay present and work towards small goals to be successful towards a potentially larger goal.

The stages of change are referenced when working with coaching clients.

Each person has a unique process with change, and it can be cyclical. There are stages of relapse as well as precontemplation where we are not ready for change, but possibly ready to talk about the pros and cons before taking action. This is important to honor and identify in each person because if a therapist or coach pushes for change when the client is not ready, there may be resistance to change where the process takes even longer. When a client is ambivalent towards change, a therapist or coach will do their best to acknowledge a client's right to be in this ambivalence. Having this relationship and trust is vital to ensuring change can occur in the future.

Both therapists and coaches hope to create a space where a client feels accepted during their journeys of change. The most important component of growth is the relationship, so if a client feels heard and accepted, any theory or modality can help with change. If the client needs to work on severe mental health, though, referrals or recommendations for therapy may be given.

Sometimes coaching and therapy can have a very professional tone. Law & Ethics codes make it mandatory for therapists to limit having relationships with clients. Confidentiality is very important for both fields, but not all therapists or coaches adhere to strict ethical guidelines. It varies from person to person, so part of my work involves educating clients on what to potentially look for in a therapist if they were to need one. The power dynamic can make it easy for clients to trust in the authority of a therapist, even when they might do something unethical. (So, please, read on your rights and the ethics codes for therapists in your state. LINK TO CALIFORNIA CODE OF ETHICS 1/2017)

Coaching may feel more casual than therapy. This also depends on the therapist and their views on the therapeutic relationship and professionalism. Both have ethical guidelines, however, many coaches do not have to be licensed to practice. Some coaches take one course online and call themselves a life coach. Some coaches have extensive experience in certain fields and can now offer this knowledge to help people grow. Due to this range in requirements or experience needed for coaches, it is recommended to research what's out there. See if the coach you want has the right background, and can help you in an ethical way.

That's a quick overview of how I coach clients. I currently offer online coaching, and help translate how one's quirks can be used as superpowers in real life.