The Nature of Change

The nature of change is cyclical and natural

Sometimes I'm asked how many coaching sessions are needed before change happens.

This is a difficult question to answer.

Therapists and coaches can't answer this question accurately. Even if there are a limited amount of sessions because of financial constraints, or insurance (for therapy), there is no guarantee that change or any goals will be met. It's a risk and vulnerability to take that leap.

>>>Well, that sucks.

Yes, it does. It's uncomfortable not to have a clear timeline with how long it should take to get the results you're looking for. It can be frustrating having to pay for a service where "nothing is happening." This is where communication as a client, and having the openness and trust of the professional comes in. 

It is my job as your coach to instill hope and optimism for change.

It takes trust if we are to create change together. I have to earn your trust.

It's my job to gather information to see where we can start to work on the goals that you've identified as the client. This is a dynamic type of relationship. Sometimes we need to have trial and error. Sometimes we have to see where life is at the moment to see which skills or goals are the most foundational, or significant. It is my job to see how you learn or grow best, by asking questions, giving assignments, and observing. 

My job is to give evidence of change. This can come from practicing interventions, but also explaining them in a way that makes the most sense to you. I have to learn how to speak your language and honor your experiences. When you know I seek to understand and have a certain level of understanding of your world, there is a stronger connection for us to build on. 

To give ourselves permission to change slowly, think about how long we've been alive, and how long these behaviors have existed. This isn't an easy process, and it involves cycles of small changes and success. 

Baby steps & comparisons:

Many of us are guided by perfectionism or feelings of being an imposter. With these lingering thoughts of never being good enough, it makes sense that starting out with change doesn't seem like a big deal; it's not the finish line. We barely started and other people are closer to the goals than us. Why didn't we start earlier? Or if we've been doing this for years, how come it's taking so long? We can start sabotaging ourselves because it's been part of our lives for so long, and the discomforts of comparisons and imposter syndrome start to consume us.

Please, take this into consideration: 

You are your own person, with your own story. No one can know entirely what you've gone through, and no one can tell you how to live your life. When you are ready, you are ready.

Some of us make small changes over large time spans. Some of us can change over night. We each have different circumstances and motivations, and access to support with change. These factors make it nearly impossible to compare our stories with others'. Change can be an uncomfortable process. Baby steps are to be celebrated. 

What if we get stuck or go backwards?

It's probably going to happen. If you look back on your attempts and successes with change in the past, maybe you've noticed when things made it difficult for you to maintain healthier or more positive types of behaviors. A common factor is stress or sudden changes in life. When we're really stressed out, we tend to gravitate towards comfort and past habits, even if we know they're not the best for us. We sometimes pair using our default patterns as failing. And that's the message we get from the greater culture. We get told we have to be perfect. We have to get it done 100% or it's considered a failure. 

That's not realistic. That's not fair. And, it's not being a human being. We make mistakes, and we have hardships with maintaining change all the time. That's the reality of being a human being. We are going to slip up, and default to our old ways every now and then. That's where a skilled coach can come in (a therapist if we are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns) to educate and support you through these stages of change, because ambivalence and maintenance part of it. 

Being stuck is very common, and having this "stuckness" honored can actually create momentum to move forward. Many times people have their own agendas for how someone else is supposed to live, and instead of supporting change through encouragement, resistance is created by telling people to do stuff when it's not the right time to do so. 

Will other people see your change as quickly as you do?

This is complicated, too. Imagine having to work through changes in how confidently you feel about an area of life. These are internal changes that may or may not be large physical changes in your life. Some people may be more attuned with your habits or mannerisms, and can more quickly notice your changes or process of change. Other people can have their own barriers with seeing change. 

This is an added layer of systems psychology and maintaining change: It is one thing to start changing as an individual. It is another difficult layer to maintain change around others who may have sabotaged you, or expected a certain role (types of behaviors) from you in the past. Some people don't want to see the changes you've worked hard on. They want to pick and choose what they see, so they might try to sabotage or dismiss things. This is where habit, changes in environment (people, places, etc) can help maintain the positive changes you've worked so hard on. 

Open communication about these environmental factors  can help your coach or therapist with offering guidance or asking questions about how to prepare for these situations. Tools and education can be offered with how to create a layer of protection between you and negativity or sabotage you may face. 

Our relationship is the most important factor with change. 

I hope that my role is to be a guide, teacher, and resource. I can see your strengths, and hopefully, we can get to a place where you can see them, too. This involves hope, education, practice, and working through the ups and downs of building new habits. Coaching is interactive; I value and expect openness to discuss. We can talk about your thoughts on the pace of change, roadblocks, small victories, and any areas we need to focus on. 

Each one us of has a different relationship with change. It can be really scary doing this alone. It is scary for me at times, too. Changing and transitioning during parts of my life, I thought being alone was the brave thing to do. I was wrong. Having a mentor, or even friends to check in made the process easier. Knowing this, I hope to honor the unique situations each person has and walk with them on their journeys of change. 

We can work together to meet larger goals by having smaller successes over time. These deserve to be celebrated and witnessed.

Boonie (949)381-1894  |  organizedmesses@gmail.com

11/2021 I am currently taking waitlist and giving referrals for coaching and therapy.

YouTube Videos:

• Adjusting to Change

• Bowen Family Systems: Homeostasis & Change

Links to mental health resources:

• OC Shrinks

• Referrals on Organized Messes

• Community Resources/Hotlines

Online Footprints & How to Strengthen Them

It's important to get some background understanding on internet culture and social media. Before delving into the tips on strengthening your online footprint, let's think about some things.

Firstly, why do you post?

• Show our personalities

• Belong to a community

• Share information

• Flirt

• Adrenaline rush

• Get attention

• Feel good about ourselves

• Curate things we like

• Communicate with others

• Emotional outlet

• Attempts to reach others

• Bored

• Trolling

• Creative outlet

Anything else?

Google yourself and see what comes up. Do you like what message and images show up?

• Would that dream job hire you?

• Will you be able to keep that scholarship or stay in school for behaving like this?

• Will that relationship or person you''re interested in want to be with you after seeing this?

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The concept of FOREVERISM: What is it?

According to Internet Society (2016) there are over 200 third-party advertisers and 630 tracking technologies collecting our data. Even if we do not give permission to these organizations and technologies to gather and use our data, they do. Each site we visit has potential to reach someone else when they look us up. The problem that arises with this is we are not always able to defend ourselves with what people find. Assumptions about our character can be made, which can affect how others see us.

These assumptions can be negative and affect how you may be hired or contacted for potential work or opportunities. The websites we visit, research, places we comment or like, images we post or hashtags we use, can all be tracked and come back to us in misinterpretations. It's important to think about the possibilities for people to screenshot our conversations, comments, and exchanges online.

The internet is forever. 

Do images and verbiage that you delete really go away? Junk Mail: where does it come from? Digital Marketing: Each time you buy something or research products on any website...other marketing pop ups occur. (Isn't that creepy?!) Google, apps, Echo Home, Alexa: are you listening? To everything? 

In addition to unknown parties tracking your personal data, people you know, "friends" or "followers", have access to your posts, comments, and photos online. This is especially important for young adults, teens, and children. SEXTING is part of youth online culture, however, it is a very dangerous behavior for the following reasons:

• Depending on your state, possessing and distributing nude photos of those under 18 can be considered possessing and distributing pornography

• You may have to register as a sex offender

• You may have to enroll in sex offender classes

• Citizen's Guide to Child Pornography

• In California, you may be fined up to $2500 for possession, and $2000 and/or 1 year of jail for distribution (California Child Pornography Law)

What else can be affected by inappropriate photos, posts, comments, or online bullying?

• You can ruin or muddy your reputation.

• People might not want to hire you because they think you're not professional or a good fit for the company.

• You can get fired.

• Your nudes can leak and it can be embarrassing for a long time.

• Your angry or emotional posts or comments can be screenshotted and shared.

• You can become a meme which can lead to out of control jokes or harassment.

• You can get kicked out of school or lose scholarship opportunities for posting inappropriate things.

• People can take parts of your video and skew the truth. When it becomes viral, it will be difficult for you to defend yourself or share the truth.

• It may ruin current and future relationships if certain parts of your life are displayed and people don't have context.

Let me say it again: The internet is forever.

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10 Ways to Strengthen Your Online Footprint+

These tips can be useful for people of all ages, but I had young people in mind. There may be feelings or thoughts of invincibility and that our actions now don't have consequences, but they can and do. Please be mindful of your interactions online, especially if you want to have a career in certain industries when you're older. 

The difficult thing about being young and starting in the industry is thinking about how our actions will affect relationships with companies and colleagues in the future. The internet is forever. The things we post are forever. Take some time to figure out how you want to be seen by others, and how you want to be remembered.

1. Choose your words wisely

Even if you delete that angry tweet, snap, or comment, someone may have screenshotted it. Screenshots can be on the internet forever.

2. Stick with the facts

When we reply to others with strong opinions and accusations, it can lead to arguments where you or others attempt to damage one another’s reputations. Some people online go out of their way to message employers about unfavorable exchanges. This can risk your work as well as future prospects.

3. Be careful sharing images

Selfies are important. They are a part of the culture as well as a form of creativity and self expression. Companies have a brand to uphold. If and when your selfies don’t reflect the company culture, you may get fired or lose opportunities. Nudes, drunk outings, and reckless photos are inappropriate and difficult to undo.

4. Keep the politics out of your posts

Having our own personal beliefs and political views are important. It is a part of who you are. Some companies and potential referrals tend to stay neutral. To collaborate with these organizations and people, making sure your political posts are private can help. It can even be recommended to remove all politics from your posting.

5. Be professional

1. Stay away from slander or gossip. Even if it’s true, these behaviors are paired with how people first see you. Again, a company prefers to hire someone who promotes community, not gossip.

2. Sick days: If you are sick, posting images of your vacation sends a message that you are not reliable, and lack integrity. Be mindful of how you’re using your time away from school or work!

6. Instagram can ruin your reputation

Companies, recruiters, and referrals can search your likes, comments, and Instagram history to get a feel for your personality. If they find unfavorable posts or images, even from years ago, it can cost you a dream job.

7. Look back on past history

Go back through your old posts, likes, and images. Delete what you don’t want to be known for in the professional world. It can be tiresome and repetitive to do this, but think about your future and the work you’ve put in to your career. It is worth curating your old posts to be successful, and to be seen as a competent professional. If you get sentimental about older posts and images, save them on your computer.

8. Tag you’re it!!!! Don’t be tagged!

Untag yourself from posts that could be misinterpreted by companies. It’s more difficult now since technology can automatically tag your face in images online, so take time to ask friends not to post inappropriate images of you in the first place. It’s okay to ask them not to tag you in certain types of posts as well.

9.  If you’re not sure what to delete…

Look at social media of people you admire, as well as peers who are successful in the industry. See how they present themselves and think of how you can do the same.

10. Shut down all of your social media and start new!

If your history is too much to sort through, you have the luxury of time to delete your accounts now and start over. It can be a fresh start to figure out how you want to present yourself online and to the world. Your past will not define you or your future success.

Additional Tips on Social Media

• Say NO to drunk posting.

  • Have a friend hold your phone or plan ahead.

• Take a deep breath, count down 5 seconds before pressing send.

• Just like IRL arguments, pause before posting or commenting. We say things we can’t take back when we’re emotional

• Apologize for making mistakes, and move on.

• Sometimes it’s easier to start with nothing than to filter through years of content. Starting over now will save you from losing that dream job because of an Instagram post.

• Think about what you want to stand for as a professional and a brand NOW.

  • Which five words does your social media convey?

  • If these words don’t match your desired brand message, change something.

• If you are unsure of posting something, ask a trusted friend to look it over. If you need to vent, call someone so it’s not permanently online.

5 Reasons Gamers Won't Share About Gaming

I am an active participant in multiple FaceBook groups. Many topics are discussed where gaming and mental health are a primary interest of mine. There are stigmas and stereotypes related to different subcultures, and sometimes we may internalize them, or feel uncomfortable talking about being part of a culture with these greater messages implicitly affecting us.

I asked my FaceBook friends how they'd respond if someone (non-gamer) asked about video games. The responses were insightful. I remember wanting so badly to share my loves, sometimes my obsessions with a game, and yet I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to share with someone who wasn't interested, and I didn't want to share too much. In relation to mental health, relationships, and therapy, here are some responses to why a gamer would not share about gaming.

1. Being seen as a child

Gaming is not accepted everywhere in the adult world, and it can be paired with being childlike. In order to separate oneself from these assumptions, a gamer may not respond when someone asks them about their interests. It might be admitting to being like a child, which can be embarrassing or shameful. The tone of the person asking may also indicate a bias they (may or may not) be aware of. 

Take note of your tone when speaking with a gamer. They might be able to pick up a subtle tone that appears mocking or condescending. If that is not the intention, please explore the possiblity of misinterpretations. 

2. They were made fun of for their interests in gaming

Our histories shape us and can permeate our present filters of the world, as well as our exchanges with others. If a gamer were bullied or made fun of for playing, it can make it difficult to share when someone genuinely wants to know. The past can appear very real and very present with many of us, so it can take time before a gamer can trust again to share their stories. 

Time and patience can help develop a stronger rapport. Maybe showing up and accepting a gamer, without the pressure to speak, can help prove that kindness is real, and that some people actually want to know about their worlds. Watching a gamer play can also be a nonverbal way of connecting and building trust.

3. Associating games with violence and the problems of the world

This is a common practice especially when a tragedy occurs. Instead of individual and contextual responsibility, an entire subculture gets blamed for the violence of others. To witness this repeated correlation of blame and the pairing of negative traits like high aggression and violence, gamers may not openly express their interests in gaming. To do so would indirectly acknowledge a possible inclination towards these negative traits.

Sharing about current events, and how studies can and do skew data can help strengthen the relationship. Focusing on the positive aspects of games can also show how you are an ally and curious about the culture. 

4. No one wanted to listen before, so they question whether anyone wants to listen now.

Growing up, some of us may have a more difficult time connecting with and making friends who share similar interests. This difficulty, whether it was in the home or at school, can lead to a lack of practice sharing about one's interests. So when we do find someone who wants to listen or knows about stuff you like, you might not believe it. Instead of sharing, a gamer could deny that someone is expressing genuine interest and stop themselves from connecting. 

Be present with the gamer. Having to enjoy your hobbies, interests, and play with online friends or away from IRL people can make it a slow adjustment to believe someone, a non-gamer (even another gamer), wants to hear about their life and stories. 

5. They've scared people away when sharing "too much"

Considering how a gamer might not have a steady flow of interactions with others IRL where they can share their interests, it can come out in bursts when they do find someone who wants to understand and listen. Perhaps this burst of sharing is overwhelming and the opportunity to share again is no longer present, or the gamer is self-conscious about how they shared too much the first time.

Self-compassion. It's important to slowly honor our quirks and how unique our experiences are. A gamer may not always have access to community or opportunities to share, *really* share about their gaming. Not everyone wants to know, or they can't keep up with all the terminology. It can be discouraging. Checking in with being overwhelmed with information can help pause or spread the dialogue over time. This can give each person a chance to digest new information and know that a future conversation is possible, so it does not have to be shared at once. It's okay to review another time, or clarify what you didn't cover the next time you meet.

 

Sharon Chan MFT, Therapist for Highly Sensitive People (HSP)

Hi Sharon, thank you so much for letting me interview you. It’s wonderful to know there is support for highly sensitive people in the Orange County, CA area. I hope this can help spread awareness, as well as let people know their unique circumstances are real, and that there are people who understand or want to understand.

What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person (HSP)? Are there different ways of being highly sensitive?

According to Elaine Aron-Research Psychologist- and her book, “The Highly Sensitive Person”(2006), she describes that the HSP trait is identified in about 15-20% of the population. Aron goes on to describe the trait as an innate, personality trait that it is NOT a disorder. The trademark trait of the HSP is that they take in a lot of information from their environment. Aron describes this as depth processing. An HSP will take in information which can include: sounds, smells, visuals, emotions, touch, etc at a more in-depth level than a non-HSP.

Another trait that has been noted of the HSP is empathy or stronger emotional reactivity to others emotions and moods. The mirror neurons in an HSP is found to be more active and so they may “feel” another’s emotional state more acutely, quickly, and absorb more than a non-HSP. Another key trait is overstimulation for the HSP. Understandably so if an HSP is taking in their environment in depth, they are probably more prone to be overstimulated more quickly and more frequently than a non-HSP.

How can being highly sensitive affect individuals in their daily lives?

Being HSP can have its rewards and challenges. I like to describe it as a blessing and a curse or a double-edged sword. As Aron describes in her book the HSP can be very attuned to their environment and process things deeply and elaborately. This can be a beautiful gift and a place of richness and connection for the HSP and those that connect to the HSP. Many HSPs go into the helping profession and usually this can be a benefit to those around the HSP because the HSP is known to pick up on other’s needs quickly. Yet, the challenge is because of the overstimulation that a HSP faces on a daily occurance, this could mean faster burn out and needing more time and space for refueling their own energy and resources.

How is therapy with a HSP different? What can you offer a sensitive person that other therapists might not be able to?

I think each client will need need a different type of therapist which can also vary from season to season. There are things I can not provide that another therapist might be able to.  I like to think that my HSP trait allows me the capacity to connect with other people’s experiences on a deep level. In my approach, I put a lot of effort into really listening to where the client is coming from, their inner world, their experiences, and what makes them who they are. Many of my clients have voiced to me that they feel safe and have gained a space to find and develop their voice. I like to believe that my HSP trait has helped to shape that space for my clients.

What is a favorite intervention that you find useful when feeling overwhelmed as a sensitive person?

Every person will be different. Each season will lend itself to different interventions, coping skills, and relaxation skills. I work with each individual to find their own oasis, and coping skills which include: grounding, visualization, breathing, and finding life-giving activities outside of session. Boundaries and self assertion are also an important part of protecting the HSP’s trait so that it can be nourished and operate at its optimal level.

Do you have a message or tips for HSP out there?

I want to let you know if you identify with being a HSP that you are not alone.  Being a HSP does not mean that there is something wrong with you. Being a HSP comes with beautiful gifts and a HSP has the capacity to experience life in so many colors. There is hope for the challenges that come with the HSP self and the challenges don’t have to define your entire journey. We can navigate it together.

What if my child or loved one is HSP and I am not? First off, I want to acknowledge that if you are asking this question, I can already see that you are trying to understand your HSP loved one. That step alone can mean a lot to the HSP and to your journey with them. Many people (parents, friends, family members, teachers) don’t know how to understand or guide the HSP because of the different behaviors and bigger emotional reactions. You are not alone in that. That doesn’t make you a bad ___________(parent, spouse,etc) or a less than person it just means that the HSP might need more or less of certain things than your typical person. Let’s learn how to support your loved one together.

Where are you practicing therapy and how can people contact you?

I am currently practicing in Orange County (Tustin) and Pasadena. I am currently on the listing of Knowledge of Highly Sensitive Therapists in Tustin. I also identify myself as highly sensitive person/therapist.

http://hsperson.com/therapists/seeking-an-hsp-knowledgeable-therapist/california-southern/

          You can contact me a 626-656-3158 or sharonchanlmft@gmail.com.

          Please visit my website at https://www.sharonchanlmft.com/ .

5 Steps of Conflict Resolution

Ordinary People. Because we are. 

Loving others isn't always easy. We have our histories, our past pains, and our demons to confront every now and then. There's something about intimacy and love that can bring us to our worst selves. We wouldn't dare treat our coworkers or bosses the way we treat our partners, children, or siblings sometimes. We do what we know, and many times we were not taught how to resolve conflict with people we care for. Perhaps taking a step back to identify consistent problems can help. This can be a complicated process because many of us do not have the tools to communicate without getting emotional heated. 

I worked with many students on conflict resolution skills. I've also worked with parents to help them work towards becoming more effective parenting partners. It involves self-compassion, awareness, and LOTS OF PRACTICE. Here is a breakdown of the process:

Before starting, taking a break to cool off is okay.

NOTE: If those involved cannot start resolutions "softly" try:

Gottman Institute's Softening Start Up Homework. 

Ensure participants are at a place where they can be receptive and not reactive. 

Rules During Conflict Resolution: 

• Stay respectful. (What does that look like for you?)

• No name calling.

• Listen while one person speaks.

• Tell the truth.

• Try understanding the other person's experience and feelings. (Pauses & Reflective or Active Listening)

• Be willing to compromise. 

• Taking breaks is okay.

• Agree on how long to try talking it out before you are both drained/overwhelmed

  • Figure out a signal to agree to stop. It can be a key word or a hand gesture.

Words (things) that Escalate

• Always

• Never

• Shouldn't

• You (always, never)

• You made me (feel, do) X

• Or else

• Ultimatums

• Comparisons to others

• Bringing up the past

• Interruptions

• Denying person's perspective

• Calling them a liar

• Can't

• You're a crybaby, sensitive, overreacting

• You're insensitive, mean, a robot, uncaring

Words (things) that De-escalate

• Maybe

• How about

• What if

• It appears

• Can we try

• I feel

• I hear that

• Staying present with this one incident

• Focusing on the person right now

• Thank you for listening

• It's important to me that X

• I value the relationship and want to work together by

• You are important to me and I want to figure this out

• What do you think about X

Words to escalate and de-escalate contributed by the Orange County Department of Education.

Step 1: Identify the Problem

Is there even a problem for all parties involved? How does it affect you and the group? Sometimes one person has a problem, and when it's shared, the other person might not even know it was an issue until now. Being able to share without judgments or accusations can help a relationship move forward more quickly after arguments.

• Skill to use: I-Messages/I-Statements

  • It is important to speak in first person to identify how a problem affects you. If the conversation starts harsh, it is very likely there will be no resolution.

  • Ex: I feel (emotion) when (action/behavior) because (how it affects you). I want (solution), and I can help by (actionable steps).

  • I-message | 4-part Nonviolent Communication

• Reflecting others' emotions and experience. (This takes extra practice)

  • Tips on Active Listening | Organized Messes

• Write it down.

  • Sometimes we are so heated and in the moment we may say things that are hurtful, and things we can't take back. If you're in that state, step away to write it down.

  • It's also useful to jot down notes on your thoughts and responses to when your partner is speaking.

  • If someone thinks you're not paying attention because you're taking notes, it's a good idea to discuss how writing things down can be a way to pause and sort through thoughts so one person is not REACTING, rather, there is time to identify whether this statement is important enough to talk about, or if they waited a little longer, things got clarified because they didn't interrupt.

Steps 2: Conflict Resolutions

Identify all possible solutions and outcomes. All feedback is respected and accepted as a potential solution.

• Even if a potential solution sounds unrealistic or silly, hear it out, and write it down. It's important to honor all options and perspectives, and share input on the potential consequences of each solution.

• It can be useful to scale emotions or intensities of consequences. On a scale of 1-10, how angry were you before the solution, and if this solution were chosen, how much would your anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. decrease?

• Being realistic, it's possible for positive AND negative emotions to exist even when a solution is chosen. The goal is to reduce negative emotions and conflict even by a little bit.

Step 3: Agree on a Solution

• List the solutions in order of most agreed upon, to least agreed upon. Choose one, and agree on a time-frame to see if it helps.

• Try it out and report back. It may be useful to jot down how you're feeling and thinking about the new changes and how it is helping or increasing conflict.

• This is a process and requires openness to trial and error.

• Positive acknowledgment or effort is very important. It encourages one to continue trying.

• Acknowledgement can come in the form of:

  • "Thank you for doing this for us." "I know it's not easy for you do try something different. I appreciate you for showing how much you care." "I feel loved knowing you're willing to try something new for us." "When you did X, I was really appreciative."

  • Hugs, gentle touches, and loving gestures during times of repair can go a long way. Even when it's not perfect, it can make it more rewarding to continue trying.

Step 4: Check in

What worked and what didn't? Again, acknowledge and praise efforts. *VERY IMPORTANT* Please praise effort! Brainstorm how to make it work better. 

• When praising someone's efforts, try to be specific about what you liked. For example, saying, "I appreciate you." sounds different from "I really appreciate it when you take the trash out on Friday nights before I have to ask. It makes me feel important."

• It can be useful to take notes through the week on what is working and isn't working with thoughts on why. Having a list of negative things might not help unless it comes with reasons for why it affected you.

• Try checking in within a time-frame where you both can remember the original conflict and compare how similarly or differently the outcome is now. Maybe a week or a few days is good amount of time to regroup as a team.

Step 5: Rinse and Repeat for Other Conflicts

*NOTE: We are ordinary people. This new process of conflict resolution can take time, and having a mediator or a professional healer to guide in the beginning may help encourage each person involved to continue trying. Repeated failed attempts are very discouraging. It can also be indications of something deeper than the relationship you're in. Many times our personal stuff comes out in our romantic relationships, and if themes reappear (the same arguments are happening over and over again), it may be time to seek the support of a couple's therapist or even a relationship coach. Depending on the intensity of what's going on, the coach may agree to work with you, or refer the couple to a counselor. 

Asking for help is a sign of strength, and I can help with relationship coaching. Email me at organizedmesses@gmail.com or call 949-381-1894 to schedule an appointment.

For couples with a need for deeper support and concerns, there are amazing therapists who can help.

What Happens in Coaching?

Every now and then I get asked about the differences in coaching and therapy, and what I actually do with clients. The main difference I see that can help differentiate the two overlapping practices is that coaching is more directive than therapy. 

This, of course, varies according to a therapist's theoretical orientation or modality. Many therapists practice CBT, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which can be more directive than other forms of therapy. Homework can be assigned, and therapists can weigh certain opinions on what a client can do to grow. Therapy tends to be more client-centered where insight can be developed at the client's own pace. 

What happens in coaching? Short-term goals are identified where I can help the client brainstorm how to break things down into smaller, achievable steps. I use Jane McGonigal's writing, Super Better, as a guide to help apply gaming strategies to real life. I also use my background in education and mental health to learn how to best support your learning style while teaching coping strategies. For the readers out there, I assign books and articles to help develop a positive change mindset and educate a client on what they might be working on.

The modality I love is called Bowen Family Systems Therapy. This theory overlaps well with coaching because one of its main interventions is to coach new skills. I view people in terms of their family systems and how the past can shape us, however, I do not dig into the past like a therapist does. To explore the past in depth would lean towards therapy, and my focus is on the present.

I do ask clients about their past patterns to help understand their successes or difficulties with working through hardships. It's important to figure out where we learned certain behaviors or ways of thinking, but again, the focus with coaching is to figure out how to stay present and work towards small goals to be successful towards a potentially larger goal. 

The stages of change are referenced when working with coaching clients. 

Each person has a unique process with change, and it can be cyclical. There are stages of relapse as well as precontemplation where we are not ready for change, but possibly ready to talk about the pros and cons before taking action. This is important to honor and identify in each person because if a therapist or coach pushes for change when the client is not ready, there may be resistance to change where the process takes even longer. When a client is ambivalent towards change, a therapist or coach will do their best to acknowledge a client's right to be in this ambivalence. Having this relationship and trust is vital to ensuring change can occur in the future.

Both therapists and coaches hope to create a space where a client feels accepted during their journeys of change. The most important component of growth is the relationship, so if a client feels heard and accepted, any theory or modality can help with change. If the client needs to work on severe mental health, though, referrals or recommendations for therapy may be given. 

Sometimes coaching and therapy can have a very professional tone. Law & Ethics codes make it mandatory for therapists to limit having relationships with clients. Confidentiality is very important for both fields, but not all therapists or coaches adhere to strict ethical guidelines. It varies from person to person, so part of my work involves educating clients on what to potentially look for in a therapist if they were to need one. The power dynamic can make it easy for clients to trust in the authority of a therapist, even when they might do something unethical. (So, please, read on your rights and the ethics codes for therapists in your state. LINK TO CALIFORNIA CODE OF ETHICS 1/2017)

Coaching may feel more casual than therapy. This also depends on the therapist and their views on the therapeutic relationship and professionalism. Both have ethical guidelines, however, many coaches do not have to be licensed to practice. Some coaches take one course online and call themselves a life coach. Some coaches have extensive experience in certain fields and can now offer this knowledge to help people grow. Due to this range in requirements or experience needed for coaches, it is recommended to research what's out there. See if the coach you want has the right background, and can help you in an ethical way.

That's a quick overview of how I coach clients. I currently offer online coaching, and help translate how one's quirks can be used as superpowers in real life.

What Happens in Therapy?

What happens in therapy?

NOTE: I wrote this when I offered therapy as a service. I am now a coach so services are different, with overlaps.

Depending on the therapist answering, there will be a range of responses and theoretical orientations to consider. I practice family systems, and view things in terms of the family and how coping strategies pass on from generation to generation. It also depends on how long a person has with a therapist. Goals will vary because of time limitations. These time limitations impact how deeply a therapist can explore the inner workings of a client's past and individuality. 

Some of us only need brief check-ins, and some of us need to "shop around" to find the right-fit therapist. Each therapist can offer a different set of skills to help you heal and grow. These are all viable options in therapy. Seeking help is not only for the severely mentally ill.

Therapy can help lots of us. Having a non judging presence can help support those with questions about relationships, how to perform better at work, or those seeking some additional coping skills for occasional sadness or anxiety.  

If therapy is short term, services may be more solution-focused where homework is given right away, and behavioral tools are given to the client. Longer-term therapy may involve more uncomfortable situations where unresolved issues are addressed in session. Over time, there will be transference issues that can help improve the therapeutic relationship. Transference is when feelings for a person in the client's past are redirected to the therapist. This is a very powerful tool for healing and change in therapy. When both are able to acknowledge this process, or at least handle it with care, a client can develop skills to stop perpetuating the past. 

• Do we perpetuate the past?

This is a complex issue, and the TL;DR response is: Yes, we do. There are some things about being comfortable with what we know, even if it isn't good for us, and repeating past patterns even when the current situation does not call for these behaviors. Family systems and other types of therapy view things in terms of acknowledging past roles, traumas, and coping skills that were used in moments of chaos. These maladaptive behaviors stay with us at times, and impact our relationships with others, ourselves, and even our performance with work or school.

It may not appear like we repeat our pasts, but with some exploration, we may be able to uncover good and not so good behaviors, or ways of coping that were modeled to us growing up. Out of this with therapy, are goals to find strengths, and encouragement to forgive oneself to move forward.

It's not your fault for continuing to repeat past patterns, but with awareness, and support from a therapist, healing and gradual changes can occur. 

Coming to therapy is advocating for oneself. It is a big deal to wake up, get out of bed, and come to therapy. When your depression or anxiety stops you from doing so much, coming to therapy is a huge strength. 

• So, what do therapists really do?

This response will also vary depending on the person responding. In general, therapists can help clients repair the past by healing in the present. What does this mean? The relationship with the therapist is the most important indication of a successful healing process. So, if you like your therapist, it's a good thing. The therapist may likely represent an important figure in the client's life where this repetition of the past can be given a new meaning and alternate ending. 

An example could be someone who has a history of abuse and continues to seek relationships with those who mistreat them. Seeking a therapist can help bring awareness to this cycle, which includes education on abuse, and education on how relationships and the body are affected by abuse, introducing and practicing coping skills together, and listening to a client's story over and over. A therapist may also recommend or help find support groups to socialize if it is a goal for the client. Support groups can also a different path towards healing when people who have gone through similar things can offer their words and empathy. 

A caveat for this would be working with children. Sometimes interventions may be more behavioral without digging too deep into the meaning of things. There could also be more art or play-based interventions with clients. Parent coaching/consultations may also be part of the process. It depends on the therapist's approach, as well as what is needed at the moment for the client. 

• How does talking really help? (Why is it different from talking to a friend?)

Our culture does not promote the sharing of vulnerability or intense emotions. We are constantly told to get over it or we're being weak for feeling. Other times, people might judge us, or get uncomfortable when we need to talk about emotionally intense things, like death, panic attacks, or depression. It's not that they don't care, it's just that this culture does not prepare most, if not, all of us, for helping others without getting overwhelmed ourselves. When you have to tell your story over and over again, people may get annoyed. They may disappear because they don't know how to help, and may interpret your sharing as complaining instead of seeking change.

There is purpose with sharing your story.

If something is important, and if something continually comes up in conversation, it is important in some way. Whether it's affected you positively or negatively, or both, it is important to be heard. Therapists can offer a safe space for you to share what matters to you, with some nudges to heal, reflect, and adopt new coping skills. Therapists are not like friends because there is no history of pain or judgement in the relationship. It starts from zero, and a therapist and client can work together to help a client create a present and future that is not controlled by the past. 

• Conflict & Crying

It will not always happen, but many times there will be a vulnerable moment where a client will cry in session. It is an honor for the therapist to be present and trusted enough to witness these emotions. Sometimes it's a few tears, and sometimes it'll be the boogers all over your face, wailing, and can't talk in between sobbing kind of crying, and the therapist will still be present to empathize with your process. This is not easy. Going to therapy is hard work. It is not for the weak. It is for those who are ready to explore the uncomfortable, and for those open to trying something new when a history of doing the same thing wasn't working. 

There will also be times when your therapist makes mistakes. They might say something that upsets you, or ask you to try something when you're not ready. These are moments of conflict that can be safely addressed in therapy. Of course, it is up to the readiness of the client, but when the therapeutic relationship changes suddenly, a therapist may be required to check in to ask what happened. It is a delicate situation where learning how to speak up for oneself, as well as respectfully stating how one was hurt, can help develop new meaning in the present. This also depends on how strong the relationship is between the client and therapist is in the first place. If there is no rapport, it is common for clients to leave without explaining why. So, when possible, and when the relationship has a solid foundation, it's okay to bring up uncomfortable things the therapist did in session. These attempts to repair can help strengthen the relationship over time. These practices can overflow into outside relationships as well.

• Catharsis & Anger

Some of us have never or rarely have the time, space, or people to encourage us to feel how we feel. Therapy can offer a safe space where your bottled and unexplored emotions can be released. This can be a gradual process where those of us who were never given permission to be angry can finally get angry, or those who were taught to be strong and push the feelings inside can learn how to be comfortable with feeling a wider spectrum of emotions. These experiences can help increase our tolerance of emotional experiences over time, so we don't get overwhelmed or shut down. This can also help increase our compassion for others when being able to develop a larger emotional vocabulary in therapy.

• Challenging Clients to Do Stuff!

This also depends on the therapist's approach, and in general, there are reflections and observations made that can help a client increase awareness of their situation. When a therapist develops a strong relationship with a client, and has given small steps toward healing over the sessions, there may be a period of time where a client gets comfortable and stops growing. This is very normal. It's comfortable doing what we know, and if things change too quickly, it can be overwhelming. There may be contradictions in how a client sees themselves with how they really are. This may be in terms of self esteem or strengths. A therapist may challenge these views by mentioning all these things a client has done that displays strength. A therapist may also challenge a client's thoughts on being weak, or imperfect, by bringing up examples that contradict these ideas. This is a process, and it takes instillations of hope and optimism over time. 

• Giving Advice 

Most of the time, therapists will not give advice. They try to help clients visualize options, and may make recommendations, but it is rare that therapists tell clients what to do. In certain cases, like child abuse, therapists may directly give advice on what they deem appropriate for the safety of children. This is a case by case basis, and the intent of not giving advice, and merely shedding light on options is to empower clients to take ownership of their lives. It's a lot easier to have people tell you how to live because the consequences are not your own. 

It may appear that therapists tell clients what to do, but wording is important. A therapist may say something like: 

• How often do you think you can write in your journal this week?
• Do you think you can check in once or twice this week with your deep breathing?
• Out of the strategies we used today, which do you think you can try again sometime this week?

Giving homework is not the same as advice. Based on the session and client goals and readiness, the therapist may assign things for the week to help expand coping skills outside of the session.

• Awkward Silences

Our culture is fast-paced, and encourages the ignoring of intense, negative emotions. When we cry, or need to talk about something serious, lots of us don't know what to do. It's not taught or valued to listen in silence. Lots of us want to fix things and move on. Sitting with negative feelings takes time and practice, and it can help increase our abilities to cope through moments of pain without reacting. Having a therapist present while a client feels intense emotion can be a very healing moment. Instead of being told to stop feeling, a therapist can help show that this emotional part of them is as important and valued as other parts. Therapists can be present when others have not. 

• Playing Games & Laughing

Clients who work with me may play games or laugh in session. Does it happen each time? No, of course not. Sometimes there are serious things that need addressing, care, and attention. Other times, interventions can be weaved into our interactions while playing a card game or talking about art or music. There may be this vision of laying down on a black sofa and having a therapist interpret your dreams when it comes to thinking of therapy. Lots of people practice this way, and it works for them and their clients. For the playfully inclined, and the whimsical artists, with sensitive hearts, I can offer something different. If I can't offer what you're looking for, I can try finding someone who is a better fit. 

For children, we can talk about our favorite video games, books, cartoons, and draw comics. We can also share about our toys while your parents learn more about you and your world. We can learn how to talk to each other in a way that explores your goals, and some past situations that might make it difficult for you to make some changes. You can show me your art work, favorite YouTube videos, and we can figure out how to develop some new skills for you to be more successful as a student, friend, child, or sibling. 

Tending Your Garden to Heal & Grow

black rose aeonium  all the leaves/petals were eaten by a squirrel;

There's this squirrel that keeps eating my succulents in the patio. I didn't think it was a big deal until half my plants' leaves were gone because of a hungry critter. I was very upset. These plants were important because of all the memories they hold, and the people I think of when I garden. 

When I found these Black Rose Aeonium barren, I was disheartened. It took months to have them root, and settle with the wind. It didn't make sense for me to be so upset at a squirrel, so I took time to reflect. This is what Black Rose Aeonium is "supposed" to look like. 

This succulent's first leaves wilted off because it didn't adjust to the cold quickly enough. it is now sprouting..

Gardening is a wonderful activity to heal, and reconnect with the earth. It is also the best metaphor I can think of for how we humans develop, heal, and grow.

 

Plants are amazingly resilient. They can thrive in the harshest conditions: freezing temperatures, arctic winds, scorching heat, and predatory creatures attempting to steal their lives. There are plants that thrive in cracks in the concrete to yield gorgeous flowers. There are majestic trees whose roots break asphalt, or wrap around hundreds of years' worth of historic architecture. Somehow, they find a way.

It isn't always easy, no. Yet somehow, they find a way.

this little guy had almost all its leaves eaten off. he's a fighter, and is sprouting leaves everywhere

Some plants get lucky. They are sown in beautiful greenhouses with regulated temperatures, have perfect nutrition in the soil, enough sun, and enough water to thrive and blossom quickly. They are also intentionally and safely pruned by experts. Other plants? Not as lucky. They have to fight to live. These plants are the ones being chopped at the side of the road, eaten by squirrels, attacked by infections, and barely have enough water to maintain. These plants toughen up over time, and can learn to use the resources they have. It does take time, and the odds are stacked highly against their survival. 

Many of us are as resilient as these plants; even more so. Do you know why? (Let me tell you why)

We are even more resilient because: we can choose to find a new environment. We can choose to ask for help. We can choose to be vulnerable, get hurt by others, and try again. We can pack our things, and move to an environment that can support our healing and growth. We don't have to stay in an environment that hurts us. We can also adapt very quickly to what we're given.

The succulent in the middle got bitten by squirrels, and has a home in a tin can. it's not the most elegant home, and yet, it is growing more leaves than its fancier peers

Does this mean changing everything we've ever known from our pasts to heal and grow? No, not always. It means that as humans, we can adopt new tools, and little by little, we can heal while the scars remind us where we came from. These succulents, after having their leaves eaten or torn off, will never look like their "perfect" counterparts. But, they don't have to look pristine to have beauty. Their struggle and unique growth are meaningful, and they remind me to honor that in myself and others. We each have a story and environment that shapes us, and sometimes neglects to nurture us. Our individual growth and presence in the world varies, just like the lives of each plant. Sometimes they grow to encompass large areas of land, and blossom endless flowers to decorate the landscape. Sometimes a beautiful flower blossoms only once, which makes it genuinely rare when it does happen. Each flower and each person can offer unique beauty to this world, and that beauty carries meaning however it occurs. 

Tend to your garden; there is an innate beauty only you can offer this world.

black rose aeonium, ready to grow and thrive in their own imperfections

5 More Things Gamers in Your Life Want You to Know

1. We don't want to disappoint you

Relationships are important. As we age, we can become more particular with the people we choose to keep in our lives. When it comes to family and romantic partners, gaming can sometimes make it difficult to connect. We don't want to disappoint you when you see us gaming. It hurts us to see you disappointed. When you tell us to get off the computer, or to stop playing games, it can hurt, and sometimes angers us. Gaming is a really important part of our lives, and it's hard to figure out how to play and not disappoint you. 

2. We don't know how to explain

Some of us gamers have an easier time expressing ourselves than others. For those of us who can't, we might get stuck with feelings of hurt, sadness, or anger when we're being told gaming isn't important, or to stop playing. Our emotions might lead us to yell or shut down, so it's hard to explain why gaming is important with so much going on. Maybe we've tried explaining before, but our communication didn't work, so it's frustrating for us, too. 

3. Gaming gives us a community to belong to

There are stigmas with gaming. There are stigmas with liking certain things "too much." There is an entire generation born into video games and internet culture, so there are likely to be misunderstandings and arguments on how important gaming is. Not all of us are social butterflies, sports fanatics, or (insert expectation here). Gaming is our interest, our hobby, and it offers us a sense of belonging. It may not always seem like we are connecting with others, but gaming is something we can talk/chat about with peers online, or with people we meet in person. It is our language and community to build on our own terms. It helps make us feel like we are not alone. 

4. We're sorry for getting mad at you when you asked questions about gaming

Sometimes it's hard to share about gaming because we get caught up in other events of the past. Perhaps people made fun of us, yelled at us, or told us we were disappointing because we gamed so much. When someone asks about gaming, sometimes it's a bad time. Maybe it's a really hard level, or moment in the game, and there's a lot of pressure to focus. That's not the best time for us to share about gaming because we might be stressed out. We don't want to hurt you, and it makes us feel worse when it happens. 

5. Gaming is an investment of time and energy, so it can be a huge loss when it's taken away unexpectedly

Players can log hundreds or even thousands of hours gaming. It takes time and care to level up characters, build efficient and successful teams, and learn diverse skills or maneuvers for end-game scenarios. Gaming can be our tool to process the day, or to redirect negative energy. Lots of us consider gaming proof that we can do well. Our avatars can represent our diligence to commit to a cause and team. The game represents our ties to others on a team, and the relationships we've made battling together, and helping each other over time. When it's taken away, it is a lot to deal with. It's not just losing a game for many of us; it can be a loss of friendships, confidence, or coping tool. 

Click here if you missed the first 5 things gamers want you to know.

Perfectionism

We've heard this term before: "I'm a perfectionist." What does it look like, and what are potential consequences for having such tendencies? A child can experience perfectionism differently from an artist, or a professional who requires precision to detail. Context matters, and yet, there are some similarities that connect those who suffer from or excel due to perfectionism. Here are some possible views on being perfect:

The Perfect Child

There may be circumstances that guide children to become focused on being perfect. There might be chaos in the family, which sometimes makes children feel burdened with the responsibility to be perfect. No one tells children these things, but they pick up roles to somehow maintain a balance when things aren't always so calm. Sometimes parents ask their children to be perfect. Perfectionism affects their homework, attempts at new things, fears of making mistakes, and redoing things over and over again. 

This need to be perfect creates a world view that love is conditional; a child's self-worth is paired with being imperfect, which is impossible, so their perceptions of self may be poor. 

Children who are perfectionist may also learn to excel very early in life. They may be hypervigilant, and learn how to use this as a gift to read others well, get along with their peers, while excelling in academics. 

The Beautiful Person

"What a pretty princess!" "You're so beautiful!" These are wonderful praises, in small doses, and in ratio to praises on other intangible aspects of a human being. When certain people are praised only for their appearances, they may conclude that their only worth as a person is their appearance. (This is not a bad thing, but it can limit possible choices of being for an entire lifetime). Pretty people can be smart, smart people can be gorgeous. Focusing on physical appearance may create anxieties and perceptions on self worth. 

Seeking perfection with appearance may correlate with eating disorders, or a distorted perception of one's body. This can lead to a hyperfixation with appearance, beauty, and minute "flaws" in one's body. These messages of self worth and beauty can repeat over and over again in one's thoughts. 

Beautiful people may also learn to utilize their appearance for benefits. Many young people pay their ways through college by modeling. They may also adapt to social expectations without feeling judged; they've developed a thicker skin because of all the messages over a lifetime. Many beautiful people may also use their appearance to establish celebrity, which in turn is used to speak on the behalf of others. 

The Promising Intellectual

When gifted individuals are constantly being told they are more intelligent than their peers, and they are going to make huge contributions to society, it can be a huge burden. It may feel overwhelming to be given this responsibility, especially at a young age. There may be hundreds or thousands of ideas, but perfection can easily stop the process of trying or creation. Personal expectations to succeed are so high that it self sabotages an individual's abilities to perform. They are frozen with fear. This may be why there are stereotypes that geniuses are lazy. They would rather not try so they don't fail.

Many gifted and talented people may question their abilities, and feel like imposters who cannot live up to their unrealistic expectations. It can be a lonely life being trapped within one's perfection. 

Some intellectuals may be encouraged by their perfectionism to create something that will change this world. We have young inventors helping those across the planet with tinkerings and ideas made in the kitchen, or collaborations with other gifted thinkers. Their expectations to do well inspired them to do more with their gifts. 

The Tortured Artist

Artists are their own worst critics. They can hear praises and receive accolades for their work, and yet, feel inferior. They never feel good enough. A common saying among artists is, "An art work is never complete." It's a process. This can sometimes be seen as a means to avoid commitment or finality, because if there are "flaws" or "mistakes," artists can say that the work isn't finished. 

This compulsion to be perfect can create a fear of being criticised, where many artists won't show their work. These gifts are hidden away, because they are deemed inferior, and unworthy of public attention. 

Many artists use their vulnerabilities, and individual processes with perfection to create work that connects with other artists and their viewer. Part of their healing processes, or artistic development can involve creating work or performing with "flaws" or "imperfect" materials, and displaying the rawness of themselves that can be so humbling, calming, invigorating, healing, or inspiring. 

The SuperParent

There are schedules, and lists, and dates. For everything. The house is overflowing with laundry and dishes, and yet things are working. There is a flow. There's homework, and play dates, lessons, and tests to study for. Grocery shopping, managing bills, and handling the emotional conflicts within the home are their own epic battles. Within this, there are moments to breathe, and sometimes you can eat slowly and enjoy your meal. 

Having a home to manage and family to care for may lead to comparisons and shame. Parent shaming is a big deal, and even the best of us may feel like we're not doing enough for our family. This can make parents neglect their own needs to put their families first. It can lead to a burnout. 

Being a Super Parent can also drive a person to be the parent they didn't have growing up. A person can reflect on what was missing, and offer nurturing, discipline (instead of punishment), acceptance, and care to their children in the present.     

The Professional

It's a lot of pressure being a professional, and being responsible for the welfare of others. It's taken a long time to get here: lots of education, training, and hours of sleepless nights trying to get material ready for the next day. Some *cough* of us become burdened with feeling responsible for the outcomes of the entire team, or rushing to save others who aren't as prepared. We can start comparing ourselves with the accomplishments of others, and feel inferior when things aren't completed as well as planned. 

Professionals may feel judged or criticize themselves for not doing as well as their colleagues. It can lead to starting lots of projects, and rarely completing them. The stress created by perfectionist goals can limit quality of life where the focus is on success and recognition at work. Relationships may be ignored, or suffer because of similar, and unattainable high expectations.

Perfection at work can also guide a person to hustle where they won't need to work as hard in the future. There are consequences and timeframes that are considered when making decisions as important as how much time and energy to commit to work, 

Yes, there are other roles that can be affected by perfectionism. The underlying traits are high expectations, anxiety or stress, and poor self-worth that is based on external things instead of internal things. Some with perfectionist tendencies may have a harder time connecting with others because of fear of judgement, or not ever feeling "good enough." 

So, what do you do with perfection? 

Slowly, this process of self acceptance heals what perfection damages. Again, perfection isn't entirely bad for those who can channel it well. For the rest of us, it can be difficult. And this process sometimes removes a barrier that others sometimes perceive as confidence and control. Sometimes perfection taps into the insecurities of others, so it keeps them away from us. It can make it isolating and appear like competition is the only thing we have to offer others. Acceptance of oneself can heal.

Acceptance that you are worthy just as you are will allow perfection to release its power over you. 

Being vulnerable with safe people can help start this process. Allowing imperfections to take place in minor parts of your life can help.

• If your writing isn't perfect, send the letter anyways.
• If your eyeliner is slightly off, and only you will notice, leave it alone. 
• The fruit you cut, or that sandwich isn't even on both sides. See if you can let it be.
• The house isn't dusted entirely, and you only had time to clean part of the bathroom. Take a deep breath. 
• There are some books or cups left on the table. Your house looks like someone lives in it. 
• Dinner was off schedule by five minutes. You are still worthy, and you're feeding people to keep them alive. You are a hero.
• What about things like being compared to others, not getting the position, or disappointing yourself and others? Talking to a good-fit therapist can help. There are some things that take so much energy to do alone. It can be lonely struggling alone, too. If and when you're ready, finding a therapist can help with increasing self acceptance, and reducing some perfection in your life.