8 Ways to Help a Person Who is Sad

It's not easy seeing a friend or family member suffer with moments of sadness. It can even be difficult seeing a stranger cry in public. Sometimes the discomfort comes from not knowing what to do. Do you hug them? Give them a taco? Do you tell them to forget about it? What do you do when someone is sad? 

Here are 8 Ways to Help a Person Who is Sad:

1. Reflect Their feelings

You may not know exactly how they feel, but lots of people feel safer to share sadness and speak when they feel understood. "I may not know exactly what you're going through, but it sounds like x, y, and z, is really tough for you right now." NOTE: "I know how you feel" can be perceived as insulting. Sometimes we will never know how deeply in pain someone is, and it's a very sensitive topic to assume. 

2. Say You're Here For Them

Some people need to be alone when they're sad. It's comforting to know someone is around, even if you need space at the moment. It's nice to know you're not alone, especially when you're sad. "I see you need space right now, but I am here for you if you need to talk."

3. Sit With Them

Sometimes sleeping in can help while processing feelings of sadness. a blanket fort might be the remedy for some of us when we're sad! 

This may work with some people, it may not work with others. (Check in with people who need space first). Sometimes a person who is sad doesn't really know what to say when they're sad. They just FEEL SAD. Instead of interrogating or trying to fix things, a gesture of connection can be to sit with them in the space. This also takes trial and error. Some people need a personal bubble around them when experiencing intense emotions. 

4. Guide Them to a Safe Space

When we're sad, we're emotionally hijacked at times. This means, it may be difficult to process logically. When this happens, it's a wonderful gesture to help guide a person who is sad to a safe space. If you're in a public space, perhaps getting coffee or tea can help. Offering a blanket or coat might also help. This, of course, depends on the person who is sad's openness to receiving help. If this person is a loved one at home or in the car, it can be a loving gesture to make a blanket fort for them to be safe to cry or process. 

5. Remind Them They are Worthy of Love

Sometimes, people who are sad have experiences where people leave or run away because they can't "deal with" them when they are sad. This statement takes honesty and can increase connection. Lots of people who battle depression or sadness feel they are unworthy of love. A way to help is to remind them their worth is separate from this moment of sadness, that they are still loved, even when sad.

6. Remind Them This Shall Pass

Does this mean the event is insignificant, or that the moment will not reoccur? No. Lots of sadness can come from unprocessed griefs, or uncontrollable physical ailments. These events are impactful, and painful. People have a right to be sad, and fully experience the emotional experience. Reminders that this sadness will lift, can help encourage people to sit with sadness. Denying or resisting sadness can prolong the negative emotional experience. 

7. Seek to Understand

Lots of people who are considered "emotional" have been implicitly told that their emotions aren't logical or important. It may be difficult at first, but a simple question of, "Do you want to tell me about it?," can open doors to releasing so much unaddressed pain. Some people may feel ashamed or judged for being sad for the reasons they have. Asking questions is different from demanding reasons for being sad. Minimal questions (too many questions can feel like an interrogation) can help establish connection and safety to share more in the future.

8. Be Patient With Them

Learning how to share vulnerability takes time, and lots of practice. It's like learning how to acknowledge a hidden part of yourself to someone who really wants to understand. It can be wonderful, yet scary at the same time! Being patient with one's responses (instead of reacting) can help strengthen relationships and increase positive communication. 

Hopefully, some of these tips can work out with you and someone you know who experiences sadness. Establishing a routine, or learning what your "patterns" are with sadness or intense emotions can help identify which will work, and which won't. It might be beneficial to speak with a therapist to see how they can help in the beginning if emotions are very very intense and difficult to work through. 

If you are looking for a therapist, your local psychology graduate program has counseling centers that offer low-cost or even free sessions based on income. In Orange County, you can call 211 for mental health resources, or visit Orange County Shrinks on Facebook to get a few referrals. 

Trauma: The Silent Partner in Addiction (talk by Gina Tabrizy, LMFT)

I attended an amazing luncheon with OCCAMFT (Orange County California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists) today. I am in my journey as a prelicensed therapist, and along with all therapists, welcome growth, new perspectives and insights into the art of healing. Sometimes this information comes in the form of reading, self discovery, or workshops. The goal is to continually learn, and to continually shape this craft that is a lifelong endeavor. 

Our speaker was Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT, and she was described as a dynamo and brilliant clinician. I agree. Her authenticity radiated throughout the talk, and there are some things I took home to share with you. Her work with addiction and professional healing for the past 27 years spoke to me. Talking about trauma is never easy, but it is necessary as a human being. It can be an uncomfortable place for therapists themselves, and I welcome the open discussion to practice self care while being present with a client's trauma. 

Here are some treats I took with me:

Trauma happens when we experience "anything less than nurturing." Pia Mellody

What does this mean, exactly? Sometimes the term trauma is associated with major life events, like witnessing death or violence, accidents, or things that threaten a person's sense of safety. Other times, it can be accumulations of small, yet important things, that chip away at a person (microaggressions), or witnessing others' trauma. 

The trauma may not have happened directly to you, and yet, you feel the pain in your body. You feel the discomfort, and you feel the churning in your stomach. This may be attributed to having loved ones who've experienced trauma, or being a professional healer working with clients and their trauma. 

Your life may seem perfect, or seem like there were no traumas, but according to Mellody, merely having one's basic needs met is not enough. We need connection, we need intangible things to feel loved and wanted. Sometimes we are not offered these intangible things growing up, and this can also cause trauma. Something was missing. A therapist may explore these circumstances to rule out trauma. 

"Unprocessed trauma is a great trigger for relapse." Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT

I relapsed with gaming in my 20s. There were unaddressed traumas and wounds to heal. I agree with Tabrizy and her insights to pair addictions with trauma. It is an attempt to numb the pain, and to find some way to cope in this chaotic world. Repetitions and compulsions to occupy our minds and bodies--addicts will do this to avoid pain, and I empathize with this wretched process. It is not fair, and it is not easy. It feels like hell; it feels like a shameful prison.  

So, as clinicians, it is important for us to explore things that may appear like depression, anxiety, or addiction. There may be underlying trauma, and therapists must check in with our own internal processes. It is our duty to do no harm in practice. When a client has a trauma that might trigger some issues with a therapist, it can be part of the process to refer out while working on these issues, and then working together after. Therapists came into the field for their own reasons, and some of those reasons may be because we've worked through similar things. If a client's story is too close to home, a therapist may refer out to ensure the best care for their client. Referring out does not mean a therapist isn't competent. It may mean that they honor a client's experiences, and at the time, may not be a best match because of very human things a therapist needs to work on. 

A therapist's duty is to do no harm. We took an oath to serve our communities, and sometimes the best way to do no harm is to refer to another therapist.

Trauma teaches us to be comfortable with pain. Love is uncomfortable.

There are so many of us willing to be loved in a way that we wouldn't allow our closest friends to endure. Yet, we do. We believe we are unworthy of anything better, and when goodness enters our lives, we find a way to sabotage, push it away, or isolate ourselves. It's a difficult cycle to get out of. Our earliest models of love tend to affect our relationship choices, yet it's not something we're aware of. It just happens.

What do some of us do instead of embrace love? We find something else to fill the emptiness, something to numb the pain. Some of us become addicts, and the behaviors or substances can range from shopping, work, fishing, gaming, drugs, sex, to working out, binge eating, or restricting (there are more). The addictions worsen when there seems to be no way out. Relapse can occur when uncomfortable emotions or things related to traumas surface. 

What Can Be Done When You've Experienced Trauma/Addiction and are Ready for Therapy

• Find a therapist who is trained in EMDR, or a therapist who can work with another EMDR therapist conjointly.

• Connect with a therapist who practices some type of movement or artistic interventions (psychodrama, expressive arts...) and is trained to work with trauma.

• Honor your trauma by acknowledging its impact on your life. A therapist can help you sort through this.

• Give yourself permission to shop around for a good-fit therapist. It is an intimate professional relationship, and will take time to unravel the layers of your trauma towards healing.

• Forgive yourself for relapsing. It is a very human thing to do. The want to numb is powerful.

• Give yourself permission to speak on your trauma when you feel safe to do so. Do not feel rushed to please any therapist.

• If there is current substance abuse, outpatient treatment or detox may be an essential first step in healing.

• Slowly believe that reaching out for help is a sign of strength, and that you are worthy of a good life. You are worthy of love. A therapist can also help with this.

Gina Tabrizy, MS, LMFT is the executive clinical director at Harmony Heals, a holistic counseling center in Laguna Hills, CA. They offer treatment for individuals, couples, family, groups, and customized IOP related to recovery, trauma, addictions, and mental health. Their contact is (949)837-2751 or (877)HELP115 | info@harmonyheals.com

Online Relationships are Real

I had a wonderful conversation with a young man about the realness of online relationships. He recently ended a LDR (long distance relationship) with a young lady he'd never met. We touched upon many things related to internet culture and relationships, one of which, was the validity of online dating. 

Is it a real relationship if we never "meet" or never touch each other?

With half my life with the internet, and meeting many of my friends through AIM, World of Warcraft, and Facebook groups, I would say that yes, online relationships are very real. Mike Langlois, the Gamer Therapist, wrote about how dopamine, a neurotransmitter, is released while playing games. If you meet someone online and develop romantic feelings for them while playing online together, those same chemicals are released. 

It makes sense, though. Have you ever seen a gamer rage quit or have nerd rage? If you can get angry at someone while playing games with them, or interacting online, why would it be difficult to believe you can fall in love with someone using the same medium?

Studies have shown that oxytocin, the love drug, is usually released during physical contact. This is why connection is so important. Hugs and gentle touches can release oxytocin and make us feel contentment, and bonded with others. Online interactions in social media and playing games with strong narratives have also been found to release oxytocin as well!

Lots of people meet through online dating sites to weed out mismatches, and initially chat with someone before meeting in person. This can help make dating more efficient, as well as allow those with social anxiety a slower pace to warm up to others. 

With dating sites, and massive online games for people to meet, play together, and potentially fall in love, what makes strictly online dating so different? 

• It can feel stigmatizing not to find a physically present partner. Family and friends can make fun of you, or simply not understand how intense and real these emotions are. There can also be pressure to be with someone else.

• It can be confusing what defines intimacy. Each relationship is unique with differing levels and need for physical contact. When you find someone who gets you, and makes you feel safe to be vulnerable, sometimes the lack in physical contact is worth the risk.

• Online sex, sexting, or phone sex. More people are participating in online sexual acts. Sometimes it can be a barrier or uncomfortable for people to accept that is can be a main intimacy people share in a romantic relationship. Some choose not to have any type of sex, and still have a strong connection together online.

• Being vulnerable through words. This culture is very visual. It can be difficult to see something that isn't obvious. When many people think of romantic relationships, they think of holding hands, hugging, kissing, and a physical person. Text can be the most honest way of connection for many people. Some of us stumble when we speak, some of us freeze, and compose amazing responses when the moment is over. Having time to pause and think allows more of us to express ourselves more genuinely.

• Having a screen in between you and another person can reduce inhibitions to be more authentic. This can go the other way, of course (trolls), and in terms of romantic relationships online, having a screen as a conduit can help couples communicate more honestly about conflict and concerns.

• Catfishing. It's very common for people to lure lonely people into relationships. There is a genuine concern for those who date someone with an avatar, like in online games. You may or may not be dating who you think you are. Part of this interaction involves risk, and being vulnerable. (I will write more on this in a later post)

Despite all these differences, online connections can be rewarding and fulfilling. 

• Emotional support can manifest in different ways. Having someone online offer a virtual hug, compliment, or words of wisdom can mean so much to someone. This is partly why there are so many online groups and forums.

• Clarity in communication. Lots of us born with the internet are sponges for information. It's very normal to refer to google or an article we recently read while conversing with others. Having access to websites and being able to share them immediately, can help some of us explain our thoughts or feelings more clearly.

• Mutual interests. If you met your significant other, or friend in an online group or online game, it is very likely that you both have endless conversations on the original topics that drew you together. With the MBTI and gaming groups I've belonged to, there is this history of a culture and inside jokes we can always refer to to strengthen our connection.

• Constant connection. Having your smart phone or being online can feel like this person is always with you. It can be very isolating not having a friend or loved one around, but some of us can feel warm and loved knowing they are a text away.

• Special bond. Sometimes the distance can make the relationship even stronger. Perhaps in your immediate community, there aren't potential matches. It can be romantic and idealist to find someone hundreds or thousands of miles away, and somehow the internet made it possible for you to be together. This can many times, encourage you to accept the distance while building on mutual dreams to meet in the future.

• Love is worth the (calculated) risk. Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with. Sometimes it just happens, and sometimes it's magical. Other times, it's a painful series of events that you wish never occurred. It's these joys where we are able to acknowledge how necessary pain is to appreciate the nuances life can offer. Online relationships can give us the entire emotional spectrum.

LOOK AT THIS: Artist Illustrates Her Long Distance Relationship Struggles & Joys | BoredPanda

On Being Quiet at Work or School

Thoughts Inspired by Introversion...

This weekend, I perused through Quiet Power by Susan Cain, and its content reminded me of a few things I've learned about being quiet, or being perceived as quiet by others: 

Being Quiet is Not a Weakness

The greater culture has many biases on extroversion and introversion. Many strengths (as well as traits associated with attention-seeking and vanity) are associated with extroversion, while being quiet or contemplative can be seen as unconfident, lazy, or arrogant. In terms of work performance, Introverts, or those who are more quiet, can be seen as:

• Underperforming: I worked at an agency where most people don't know what you're doing unless you tell them. This can be partly cultural, and gender conditioning, among a myriad of socializing agents. Introverts tend to process details and outcomes internally, so there isn't always a big show for others to see when they're working. The world can't see all your work because it's done behind the scenes. A potential problem with being an introvert at work or school is: You can be the best at your job, and no one will know because they never saw you, or heard from you. This can also lead coworkers to rate you as less friendly, which can affect future promotions or reviews. 
• How to remedy the stigma: "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." I did not understand the importance of sharing my accomplished tasks of the day with supervisors or colleagues until a former principal and former supervisor told me to. This inability to naturally speak on my work also comes from culture and gender roles, which I didn't know shaped some discomfort with speaking about myself. I thought a good deed and good work speaks for itself. Other people were getting accolades and promotions, when I was as good. The only difference was, I was not talking about it. Note: Sharing about your work is not bragging; it is sharing a joy in your accomplishments, and learning how to navigate an extrovert-biased world. Also, you don't have to go overboard and feel inauthentic about sharing about your day. Checking in with one sentence or two, "I completed x, y, and z today," can make a big difference in how others perceive you or your work ethic. 
• Teachers, Parents, & Peers: Ask introverts for feedback in smaller groups, or check-in to see how they're doing. Asking them questions and giving a moment of time to form a response can help reduce anxiety or feeling rushed to answer quickly. 

Introversion is Not Depression or Being Shy

• It's about energy. Although introverts can have depression, and can be shy, these terms are not interchangeable. Introversion is more about having a brain and nervous system that responds differently to stimulation. Introverts recharge and process more clearly in small group settings or in solitude, and extroverts tend to thrive in more stimulating environments (yes, extroverts need to recharge in solitude as well). Connection and dialogue matter to introverts, but the intensity and duration may or may not differ depending on the environment and topics being explored. 
• Processing Times & Speaking. Sometimes small talk is difficult for an introvert to participate in. It can be very draining, especially when topics with extroverts may change quickly. By the time the introvert has compiled a suitable response to the first topic or question, the extroverts have explored twenty other things, and the introvert can't keep up. This inability to keep up can sometimes make introverts appear depressed or shy for not participating in conversations when they were trying to keep up in the first place, and couldn't. 
• Check-in with your brain and body. Extroverts may not fully understand, but sharing how you are energized differently can start the process. Extrovert buddies still get energized by having people around; there does not need to be constant conversation to feel connected. Sitting in silence can be a compromise to explore, and if you need to be completely alone. At work, it may be important to learn a typical routine for getting overstimulated, so you can schedule appropriate breaks. 

Sharing Ideas as an Introvert

• Many times the loudest person in the room gets praised for having good ideas. They can be seen as daring, confident, and competent, while their quieter peers may be seen as the opposite. In group settings, it can sometimes feel like a free-for-all to blurt things out until a decision is made. Internal processors don't perform as well in this type of stimulation. Thoughts tend to formulate better in calmer spaces, with time to generate a complete thought. Extroverts think "out loud" so the ramblings, and mistakes are available for the world to see. This tendency to think out loud and make mistakes can be interpreted as being fearless, when it's simply a natural way of cognition for extroverts. 
• Pre-game for meetings or conversations. Jotting down ideas before meetings can help make sharing ideas easier. Meetings dominated by extroverts may make it difficult to pause and ask for an introvert's feedback. A sticky note, reviewing the night before, or checking in with team leaders can also promote the sharing of ideas in a way that is more comfortable for introverts.
• Bosses, Coworkers, and Team Leaders: Please ask quieter teammates what their ideas are. It can really help promote group cohesion, and give quieter teammates a chance to offer feedback. It might take a minute to form statements, but asking quieter teammates if they want to contribute can model an acceptance of difference within the entire team. 

What are some of your thoughts or observations on introversion? Share this post with others to help promote a better understanding of introverts <3 

Additional Reading:

• 4 types of Introverts | Introvert, Dear
• MBTI inventory | Humanmetrics
• How to Nurture the "Quiet Power" of Introverts | NPR
• 10 Awkward Moments Introverts Will Understand | Introvert Spring
• Top 100 Introvert Quotes | Introvert Spring
• The Power of Introverts | Susan Cain TED talk
• 5 Ways to Make Small Talk More Meaningful | Quiet Rev

Benefits of Journaling

Once upon a time...

We were given prompts in school to write in class or at home. Sometimes it was seen as a nuisance; a rote task that didn't have any purpose. It turns out, there are multiple health benefits of journaling across the lifespan. Some of these benefits include:

1. Increase Empathy

As we read or write about the lives of others, we are able to delve into their complex and sometimes very different emotional experiences. Over time, there can be an underlying connection of human suffering, joys, or accomplishments, that we are able to tap into. It's common for many of us to think that others, especially if they look dramatically different from us, do not experience difficulties in life. Taking time to write or read about the stories of others can help increase one's understanding that what we see is not always the entire story. 

2. Increase Creativity

Writing with prompts can help increase one's ability to expand on creativity. Sometimes writers have lots of doubt with their art form. The masters know that writing every day is an essential task to increase their creative flow. Writing every day can help boost creative confidence. For those starting out, being silly or writing random stories that could never happen may help promote a creative outlet for those who think they're not creative. (This is a lie we tell ourselves, btw. It's just something society has told us to grow out of because we're "adults." Nurture your creativity by writing again.)

3. Increase Goal-Setting & Confidence

Lots of us *ahem* try to remember everything in our heads. It's almost impossible to do, and yet, we continue to think to ourselves, "I'll remember it all." It's okay to use journals to write things down. This can help built habits of prioritizing responsibilities, and seeing which chores we tend to do last or forget most often. Crossing items off a list is also very satisfying. This visual of accomplishments (no matter how small the task) is very rewarding, and can help increase confidence. 

4. Increase Memory

Some of us have a hard time remembering things. Sometimes it's because our brain wiring is different, and we haven't had the practice to remember things in a way that sticks. This may or may not be related to trauma, but there are correlations of early trauma causing some brains to wire in a way that promotes survival. This translates to some data not being necessary for long-term memory. Writing about your day chronologically can help slowly increase memory. After a while, little details can be more easily remembered. An improved memory can help with work or school performance, as well as interpersonal relationships (loved ones ask for tasks to be done, and instead of forgetting, it gets done!)

5. Increase Healing

Journaling is a common intervention in therapy. Writing out one's story can help put pieces of a puzzle together, and get unwanted emotions outside of the body. It is because of stigmas of mental health, and earlier experiences with sharing intense emotions that many of us choose to suffer silently, and alone. Keeping emotions inside can negatively affect one's physical and mental wellness. It is essential to get one's story and emotions outside of the body to heal. When there aren't safe spaces to share, writing about intense or normal experiences can help one attune with their emotional state, and process the meaning of these events. 

Journaling is a great habit to have, even if one isn't a writer. There is so much energy and emotion to process in our daily lives, and journaling can be an excellent method of channeling it somewhere productive. 

Therapy for the Misunderstood

OMG Another Geeky Therapist!

Jennifer and I found each other on Face Book, through searching groups and identifying mutual interests. We met for the first time at Felicia Day's book tour (she invited me), and hit it off pretty well. We even decided to venture into something scary: making videos together to speak on things that resonate with us.

We finished our first video, and here are some things we discussed:

1) Difference is Misunderstood

Jennifer and I come from a place where we've spent our lives being misunderstood, and sometimes, it creates ripples in our interactions with others. We were able to start exploring some similar perspectives we have, yet gain insight on how impactful this treatment can be for many of us. Having these experiences of being labeled and/or mis-perceived has guided us to help other outsiders heal, and nourish their authentic selves. 

2) Children & Adults Who are Misunderstood

I work more with children and the family. I consider myself a "seed planter" with little ones. The pains of being misunderstood, or the confusions of being told by society how to act can affect relationships and our self concepts. There are different reasons for why a person can be misunderstood, and I genuinely love working with those who process the world differently; gifted individuals, creatives, and sensitive souls. Jennifer has spent her professional career working with adults, and finds the processing of layers of pain and meaning to be very fulfilling to her. She specializes in working with people with introverts, non-traditional lifestyles, LGBTQIA, and kink. 

3) Extroversion & Introversion

We briefly touched on the stereotypes of being an extrovert or introvert (I can ramble about this all day, btw), and it was validating to have a respectful exchange. Traits for any person vary along a continuum, and it can change according to multiple factors. Sometimes people can blanket generalizations, and it can hurt people when they don't feel accepted for who they are. We will probably expand on this later on. It was super fun!

If you'd like to hear/watch us, here's the video! (Disclaimer: It's our first video, and we know things take baby steps. With time and practice, the videos will be less awkward :P) 

Jennifer's practice is in Huntington Beach, and I'm in Newport Beach. We both love serving our geeky, misfit, outsider, creative, gifted, differently thinking community. To learn more about Jennifer, check out her website: Mindful Misfit Therapy

UPDATE: 10/2017 Although I no longer offer therapy services, Jennifer still does, and is a great fit for those who are misunderstood. Give her a call if you're in the area and looking for some support. 

Felicia Day's Book Tour

Felicia Day's Book Tour, Los Angeles, 2016

I was invited by another geek therapist, The Mindful Misfit MFT, to attend this book tour. She messaged me on FaceBook and asked, 

"Do you know Felicia Day?"

In my head I was thinking, "Uh, yes?!" (I've followed her since her YouTube days with The Guild, and it empowered me to be more of my geek and gamer self at the time. It was so relateable, and sad and funny to see a script based on the lives of online gamers.)

So it turns out, Felicia Day wrote a memoir. And in this memoir is very personal things about growing up with home schooling, acting, and being a professional creative female. She also talks candidly about her depression and gaming addiction when things got overwhelming for her. 

Even though she lived with her brother and home schooled with him, it seemed like they never connected until they gamed together. I resonate with this statement because my brother also introduced me to World of Warcraft. We didn't have much to say to each other in person, but gaming and having goals to accomplish as a team really connected us. 

Bringing people together is one wonderful aspect of gaming. 

Wil Wheaton interviewing Felicia Day

Some tidbits that I wanted to share from the talk she had with Wil Wheaton are the following:

Collaborate & Seek Others: 

Both Wil and Felicia talked about how isolating it can be as an artist with depression and/or anxiety. Sometimes it feels like a burden to share so much emotion with others. Wil disclosed how he felt so bad that Felicia was going through this pain and didn't have anyone to share it with. He was right there and didn't even know. And that's how depression can be for many of us. 

Self-worth and Pressure on Achievement: 

Perfectionism is a curse for many creatives, and it limits the enjoyment of creation. Both paired their self-worth and ability to be liked by others with approval and tangible outcome. Wil and Felicia are both working on this self love and acceptance, and shared that it is enough just being you. You are enough without the accolades and accomplishments. 

How to Balance Work/Life as an Artist:

The practical advice came as learning what your baseline is. This is in terms of one's depression and anxiety. Each of us has a baseline that we stray from in times of stress or high emotion. Taking time to acknowledge what we look like without any stress can help us work towards maintaining the ups and downs closer to this baseline. 

o Coping Skills: Figure out what works for you, and what doesn't work for you.

o Self-Monitor: Sometimes we're so busy, we don't take notice of how we're feeling and our body's internal state. Start noticing what's going on when we feel certain ways can help bring us back to that baseline.

"Find a place to perform for the love & joy of performing." -Wil Wheaton

Boonie Sripom & Felicia Day! <3

A part that struck a chord with me is the overall society view of art. It's seen as something as a hobby, something that couldn't really be compensated well until one becomes a celebrity. Being in the middle of unknown and well-known has its financial and emotional consequences. Both Wil and Felicia touched on this topic of money, and said,

"Make art...creative outlet for the sake of creativity." -Wil Wheaton

"You do it because you want to get your voice out there."-Felicia Day

(on whether her YouTube series would be successful now, and advice to others thinking of making work on YouTube)

Felicia advocated for seeking a therapist as an artist or geek. Her writing of this memoir helped sort through many of her life's moments, gave herself permission to fail, and acknowledge that she has accomplished so much. She encourages more of us to write that memoir to see how healing telling our story can be.

Thank you so much, Felicia! 

Anxiety Gaming connects online gamers to therapists

Felicia gave me one resource, Anxiety Gaming, and it is a nonprofit that connects gamers with therapists. The nonprofit can help pay for services. I hope to work with them soon. 

If these tips from Wil & Felicia are difficult to implement or maintain, give me a call! I'm in the OC area and love to help fellow artists, geeks, and gamers level up. (949)381-1894

Take care,

Boonie

Purchase the Book here:

 You're Never Weird On the Internet (almost): a Memoir, Felicia Day, 2015

Additional Links:

The Guild YouTube webseries

Felicia Day's Official Website

Wil Wheaton's Official Website

Connect Online Gamers With Therapists | Anxiety Gaming

Geek Links | Organized Messes

Links on Creativity | Organized Messes

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) & PTSD

Editor Information: Jennifer Yi is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been trained by the EMDR Institute and is currently in the process of certification for EMDR.  She is in full time private practice in Irvine, CA and focuses on individuals with anxiety disorders, depressive disorders and PTSD.

Sources of this content are from Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) by Francine Shapiro, PhD, and EMDRIA.org. Content has been edited for organization and length.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing- I know it’s a mouthful so don’t worry if you forget what it stands for or if you’re not even sure what it means.  It is a psychotherapy that was developed by psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro and has been recommended as an effective treatment for trauma in the Practice Guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association, the Departments of Veterans Affairs and Defense, SAMHSA, the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and the World Health Organization.

Origination

It all began in 1987, when Dr. Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts, under certain conditions.  Dr. Shapiro studied this effect scientifically and, in 1989, she reported success using EMDR to treat victims of trauma in the Journal of Traumatic Stress.  Since then, EMDR has developed and evolved through the contributions of therapists and researchers all over the world. Today, EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches.

What Causes Psychopathology?

Dr. Shapiro’s theory is that disturbing memories are the cause of psychopathology.  When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal coping mechanisms.  The body may go into fight, flight, or freeze.  In the case of the last scenario, the right and left lobes of the brain may also “freeze” and stop communicating with each other.  Therefore the memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed, stored dysfunctionally in an isolated form.  Inadequately processed disturbing memories may be the root of Depressive disorders, Anxiety disorders, Specific Phobias and PTSD.

What is PTSD?

Those who develop PTSD do so after being exposed to a traumatic event.  Due to the incorrectly stored memories, their symptoms tend to fit into 3 main categories: (1) Re-experiencing the traumatic event. This may occur through nightmares, flashbacks, reliving the event, or having a great deal of distress when in a situation like the trauma (2) Avoidance. This may occur through avoiding having particular thoughts or feelings. The person with PTSD may avoid activities or having conversations related to the trauma. He or she may feel withdrawn, disinterested, or numb to emotions. (3) Arousal. This may come in the form of feeling “on edge”, having difficulty concentrating, or sleep problems.

How EMDR Works

The goal of EMDR is to reduce the long-lasting effects of distressing memories by developing more adaptive coping mechanisms. The therapy uses an eight-phase approach that includes having the patient recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side to side eye movements.  The bilateral stimulation helps link the right and left lobes of the brain facilitating the digestion of improperly stored memories into a calmed form and integrated into the rest of the memory network.  This results in the reduction/elimination of unwanted symptoms and helps the client move forward and have improved functioning in the present and future.    

EMDR is not a form of hypnosis, the client is fully awake and aware during the session.

Several clinical trials have found EMDR to be superior to other types of treatments for posttraumatic stress. These studies have shown that EMDR worked better than other treatments such as such as biofeedback relaxation, active listening, and other forms of individual therapies. One study found an 100% elimination of PTSD in single trauma victims after participating in an average of 6 EMDR sessions. Another study found that two EMDR sessions brought posttraumatic stress scores within normal range. The one study to use a full course of EMDR treatment for combat veterans reported a 77% elimination of PTSD in 12 sessions.  

EMDR vs Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is frequently used as a PTSD treatment. In exposure therapy, the client relates his/her traumatic experience in detail for an hour in the treatment session. He or she then typically listens to an audiotape of the session as homework for an hour every day. Exposure therapy also requires homework in which the client engages in an avoided activity related to the trauma (e.g., going into Manhattan). Clients are recommended to spend an additional hour or so per day on such activities. The daily homework hours (e.g., 25-100 hours) are necessary, as PTSD improvements are related to homework completion.  Not only is the homework lengthy, many clients are unable to complete the homework due to the high level of distress it causes.  In comparison, EMDR does not require detailed descriptions of the trauma. EMDR also does not require fixed concentration on the event. It only requires in-session time for treatment. Homework in EMDR usually consists of the client writing down any problems he or she has between sessions and using a relaxation technique if needed. There have been four studies comparing EMDR and exposure therapy alone. All have reported approximately equal results on most measures. Rates of getting better ranged from 50-80% in both treatment groups, despite the differences in assigned homework. One study that made homework the same for both EMDR and Exposure treatments showed better success in EMDR participants (70%) than Exposure participants (17%).

EMDR was originally developed to treat adults with PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions such as depression, phantom limb pain, chronic pain, and various anxiety disorders.  Children have been successfully treated as well.

If you or anyone else think EMDR may be right for you, you can search for an EMDR therapist here: http://www.emdria.org/search/custom.asp?id=2337

Jennifer Yi, MS, LMFT

Jennifer Yi can be contacted: 

949-391-9741  or jennifer@therapyi.com

 

Links:

• Great infographic explaining EMDR

• Client Session Video

• Client Stories

• Expert Answers on E.M.D.R. by THE NEW YORK TIMES

• The Evidence on E.M.D.R. by THE NEW YORK TIMES

Gaming & Anger

Nerd Rage, Rage Quitting, and Angry Gamers

Nerd rage. Rage quitting.

If you have a gamer in your life, or are a gamer, you've most definitely come across game rage at least once. So, what exactly is it? The top definition on Urban Dictionary is: "to stop playing out of anger." There are additional components that make rage an appropriate word for this behavior. 

Sometimes the rage is accompanied with screaming, breaking things, physical aggression, and heightened emotionality. Losing not only once, but numerous times, being harassed online, or having difficulties with a game can lead to rage quitting.

Before some commentary on this behavior is shared, here is a video of what can commonly occur when a gamer experiences rage quitting. This is one of countless recordings available online. 

Now, this video was shared not to ridicule or shame gamers. It was shown to illustrate the seriousness of this problem. Around the world, there are millions of homes where gaming is part of everyday life. That means around the world, it can be fairly common to have a gamer get angry or a family member argue about bed times and spending time off the computer or console. This means that gaming and anger in the family is a normal thing, and yet games are being blamed. 

Is gaming really the problem?

Sometimes gaming is the problem. Sometimes it's part of the problem. Sometimes it's the solution for a chaotic life filled with problems. It really depends on context, and individual circumstances. In general, gaming can be the last part of the puzzle where a person who has limited coping skills finally has an outlet to channel anger and other strong emotions. In regards to many men and boys getting angry, there is something curious to consider:

Socially acceptable emotions for men and boys.

Expanding on traditional gender roles and emotional expression has changed within a generation. Even so, there are remnants of the "boys will be boys" and "boys don't cry" mentalities in the minds of many men and boys we know. Millennials, Gen Y, and Gen X gamers can come from a burdened culture where they are not allowed to express feminine emotions. This can be very draining, and misdirect every other emotion into anger. 

Underneath this rage that can "appropriately" be expressed from gaming and being competitive (because it's masculine and acceptable behavior) is lots of pain, unresolved losses, and vulnerability. Men and boys may be less likely to share directly about painful emotions unless it's a result of competition or gaming. This leaves males with a smaller window of opportunity to express normal emotions that females generally share throughout the day. 

What does this build up of emotion do to the human body? Emotions and intense energy builds up, and needs a release. If it isn't released in small bursts, well, you get rages.

Emotions are like air filling up in a balloon. There is only so much that can fill before it bursts. 

Females also get angry. 

Around half of all gamers are female. This leads to expanding on more traditional gender stereotypes or assumptions with female. Females can and do play all types of games, and can also experience nerd rage. Gaming can be an outlet for women where in general, the greater culture may not accept female anger or aggression as openly as when males do. 

Females may be pressured to maintain harmony in groups, and suppress feelings of anger to please others. This is not always the case, of course, yet there are socializing agents that may heavily shape a female's range of expressing negative emotions; the same way men are not nurtured to acknowledge more vulnerable types of emotions. According to an article on gender and anger, men tend to be more physical and aggressive with their anger, while females tend to be more passive aggressive (GOSSIPING).

Gaming may be used as a safer negative emotional outlet for some. It may be healthier to release anger while yelling and killing creeps in a videogame than picking a fight with a random person who bumped into you. In addition to all the positive aspects gaming offers its players, some may use it solely for an emotional outlet; others, not so much. Context is important. 

Context for anger

For many gamers, life can be difficult and overwhelming. People may not always be the kindest, and social support might be minimal. Being misunderstood, and not being able to connect with others may add context to why some gamers have angry outbursts when they play. Having a childlike heart, or being labeled as immature, or lazy by loved others can also be disheartening. Countless stereotypes on being a gamer can make it even more difficult to connect with non-gamers. Adult children affected by the recession, Millennials, also have an added layer of difficulty to finding work and finishing school while some of their peers may be more "successful." 

How nerd rage affects family & relationships

Gaming and anger can become a focus within the family system or relationship. This intense focus on anger can cause arguing, break ups, and additional anger from others. The entire experience can be frustrating, overwhelming, and tiring. Lots of people may start giving ultimatums for the gamer to quit playing "or else" something will be taken away. Parents of adult gamers may feel guilty for permitting the behavior to get to this excessive state, as well as disappointed and upset their child is not thriving. Gamers can feel misunderstood for their love of gaming, annoyed that others want to take something that brings them joy away, and guilty or stuck for not pleasing others. It's a lot of emotions, a lot of perspectives, and a lot of relationship dynamics to consider. 

What happens next?

If extreme anger and gaming are difficult to even initially address, seeking professional support may be a first step. Gaming can be an addiction. If behaviors become difficult, it's important to seek help; either for your own support, or for the family or relationship. Information is invaluable, and learning what gaming can offer a person can help increase connection and open communication. Sometimes arguments and anger can really be about gaming, and sometimes it really isn't about gaming in the first place. Everyone has a story, and every gamer has a history and reason for playing. Listening to understand can make a world of difference. If these initial stages are confusing or difficult to start, an awesomely compassionate and gaming affirmative therapist may be able to help start the healing process. 

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child (Guest Post)

Author Information: Andre Larocque is a district level behavioral specialist consultant with a narrowed study in Oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and Antisocial personality disorder. In addition to his education in psychology he has 8 years direct experience working in residential treatment.

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Spare the rod, Spoil the Child: A Behavioral Primer for the Non-spanker.

By Andre Larocque

Edited by: Evita Sandoval

History of a Limit Tester

            All these discussions about spanking usually start with“Spanking worked for me.” In all fairness it worked for me as well. I remember being a young, quiet boy in Vermont who enjoyed the woods and building forts. I wasn't always a well behaved behaviorist however. I was a young aggressive researcher who enjoyed finding his limits with adults. I remember one aunt in particular being brave enough to babysit me at the time. I took the opportunity while she fell asleep watching soap operas to slap her as hard as I could before running outside to climb my families fir tree. At this point it was appropriate for me to internalize several existential questions. Rightly so, as she stood seething at the bottom of the tree she was correct to remind me, I would eventually have to come down and she had a long memory. Most adults do, and lets be fair now I was a child asking for a limit to be set.

Spanking as a Tool
 

            In the above example most people are quick to point out serious behaviors demand serious consequences, and we would be doing a disservice to our kids by demonstrating otherwise. Such an assertion would be completely correct. I got paddled when I came down from our families fir tree and most would argue my consequence was earned.

            Kids are incredibly smart. Anyone who has spent time with children knows they are a sponge for positive and negative experiences. So where does spanking fit in all this? Throughout my studies in college spanking was discussed at length. Corporal Punishment is a hot button issue in psychology. Behaviorists at the time were still catching flak for incorrectly addressing “expectations” and the role expectations play in behavioral outcomes. A good example of this criticism can be seen through spanking. When a child limit tests and they are spanked, ideally the target behavior shapes to be lower in frequency, intensity, or both. Parents understand this concept but often not in the same behavioral context. Target behaviors do shape through spanking. However, there is a dark secret in all this. The behavior only appears to shape when the spanker/enforcer is around to implement the expectation and its subsequent behavioral consequence. The authority in this case chose to buy obedience at the cost of resentment. When the authority chose to spank, behind closed doors the behavior was made worse, having been built upon resentment towards the spanking authority. The spanker doesn't know that. The babysitter, school, neighbors and police however do see that behavior that was supposedly shaped to be lower. These are the same kids that say their pleases and thank you's but then decide to pepper spray their neighbors toilet paper when no one is around. Behaviorists for the most part agree that there are very unintended negative outcomes for corporal punishment being shown in the long term for kids. These unintended consequences include higher substance abuse rates, lower grey matter in the brain and even significantly higher rates of mood disorders [1][2][3][4][5].

Behaviorism as a Tool

            Usually at this point in the spanking discussion folks lose a bit of hope. The reason why is often because it begs the question “What tools do we have to shape behavior if spanking is not ideal?” The solution is very hopeful because in the modern age we have many new rewards and many new logical consequences that technology provides us with. The most effective tools behaviorists have had for centuries are consistency, prevention and fairness. The reason why there is a disparity in power between kids and adults, is because sometimes children make poor and uninformed decisions which demands adults take charge to mitigate that risk for a time. To expand on good behavioral practices there are several things a parent can do to shape behaviors in an effective way and most of them center around the mitigation of risky or maladaptive behaviors. When a parent sees limit testing their actions and words should always be a decisive “No”. Limit testing is the clear understanding of the expectations and the subsequent disregard of them. Soft limits like negotiating, being unclear, begging for change, nagging, or providing any grey area will always result in more limit testing. This will also demonstrate that your expectations are not worthy of your child's respect. When a parent sees a child asking for, or demonstrating a need for support the response is different. When a child is uninformed and does not know the limit or its tangent expectations, a wise response would be a kind request for more information. This supportive discussion should involve the authority providing an explanation, and replacement behaviors with regard to the behavior being spoken about. If one responds to support testing with a decisive “No”, that person builds obedience at the cost of resentment. This resentment can lead one to be just as ineffective as one that chooses a soft limit. One thing I often suggest, for parents looking to “clean up” behavioral practices, is a behavioral contract in which everyone in the household signs. In the contract target behaviors and consequences are spelled out clearly without soft limits and everyone is equally responsible for adhering and enforcing that contract. Weekly house meetings to revise the family contract can be very beneficial for everyone involved. When there is a violation of the contract, it is nothing “personal”, it is simply the law as the household agreed. The antecedent to resentment does not exist in this method allowing for a positive household without all the underlying emotional cultch.

Behaviorism in Practice

            Much of being consistent is having scripts and expressing yourself and your expectations correctly and systematically every time. This prevents maladaptivity from taking root by keeping expectations fair, firm and consistent. Any soft limits, or punitive practice, will result in heightening the frequency and/or intensity of limit testing [6].

“It has been brought to my attention that you are choosing to bully kids at school. Our behavioral contract states unkindness, and disrespect, will result in a simplification of your communicative tools. You demonstrated I can't trust you behind closed doors so we also need to simplify privacy as well. The wifi is being turned off, your cell phone service is being turned off and your door is being taken of its hinges and is coming with me for a week. Once you are able to communicate respectfully and kindly we will discuss regaining the privileges that trust would afford you.”

“You are not showing you have control over your body right now. As per our behavioral contract that means you need to take a break, I need you to take a timeout in that chair until you can show me a calm face and a calm body.”

“I would love to take you to the store, but you tantrumed in public to get what you want. Our behavioral contract states I need to trust you will make good social decisions in public or I can't take you with me. You showed me that you need to take a break from going anywhere until I know you will make good social decisions. Maybe you can regain this privilege by showing me better ways in asking for what you want and accepting when I tell you no.”

References

[1] Gershoff, Elizabeth T. (Spring 2010). "More Harm Than Good: A Summary of Scientific Research on the Intended and Unintended Effects of Corporal Punishment on Children". Law & Contemporary Problems (Duke University School of Law) 73 (2): 31–56. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[2] Durrant, Joan; Ensom, Ron (4 September 2012). "Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research".Canadian Medical Association Journal 184 (12): 1373–1377. doi:10.1503/cmaj.101314. PMC 3447048. PMID 22311946. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[3] Ateah C.A., Secco M.L., Woodgate R.L. (2003). "The risks and alternatives to physical punishment use with children". J Pediatr Health Care 17 (3): 126–32. doi:10.1067/mph.2003.18. PMID 12734459Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[4] Tomoda, A.; Suzuki, H.; Rabi, K.; Sheu, Y.S.; Polcari, A.; Teicher, M.H. (2009). "Reduced prefrontal cortical gray matter volume in young adults exposed to harsh corporal punishment".Neuroimage. 47(Suppl 2):T66-71.doi:10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.03.005 PMID 19285558

[5] MacMillan H.L., Boyle M.H., Wong M.Y., Duku E.K., Fleming J.E., Walsh C.A. (October 1999)."Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in a general population sample".Canadian Medical Association Journal 161(7): 805–9. PMC 1230651. PMID 10530296.

[6]  Mackenzie R.J (2011) “Setting limits with your strong willed child” Retrieved 23 December 2015.