Masculinity & Emotion (Guest Post)

Most people, women especially tend to think that men have little or no emotion and that is caused by two related things: Men experiencing and processing emotions differently than their female counterparts and the way society and our parents teach us from an early age that we need to be strong, confident, stoic and successful womanizers. It is a well-known fact that men who talk about how bad they feel, how hopeless, depressed, anxious, paranoid, entranced or madly in love they really are, end up being labeled as sensitive, weak, feminine, unstable, unable to be a good boyfriend, parent or husband.

We are always required to be the resilient and unmovable pillar that will someday be the base of a whole family, an example to be followed. Since we act upon that premise, women often complain that they can’t understand their partner’s emotions, but most of the time even men can’t understand them in the first place, and that creates an emotional gap between the couple. The problem is so severe that even if the man has consciousness about what he feels and knows how to express it, he most of the time will keep it to himself in rumination. That way he won’t be judged or make others worried, but will carry a heavy burden in his brain instead.

There is a high price to pay once you close yourself emotionally from the external world. As stated before, we might get confused and rarely know what we are actually feeling, having only physical reactions and repetitive patterns to guide through the emotional blindness. The risk of developing mental health problems and addictions since the negative emotions won’t leave your brain and will keep it chemically unbalanced in a great issue since most men don’t have a socially acceptable emotional outlet. On the other hand, we get to use rage more often than women. Rage is a great example of a “masculine” emotion, so it is way more acceptable to explode in rage letting it all out than cry and ask to forgiveness or forgive someone.

Concluding, men and women have all the same emotions, but we are shaped in a way that it’s not very acceptable for men to find puppies cute, express their love towards women, cry from grief or after watching an emotional movie, after losing the love of their lives, their jobs, even hugging friends or making deeply emotional conversations with others about their biggest fears, traumatic experiences, health issues, financial problems or anything that could be viewed as a weakness, unfortunately most of the times can and will be shunned.

Ivan Baretto's MBTI preference is INTP, and he is from Brazil. He is currently a student where he is studying computer engineering. He likes cute things like Rillakuma, gaming, and Japanese language/culture. If you'd like to connect with him on FaceBook, click here. 

On Art (& Gaming) 005 - Kristin Mullinax

Art, and what defines it, has changed significantly over the years. “Good art is art that allows you to enter it from a variety of angles and to emerge with a variety of views.” (Schmich, Mary). In the primitive era, cave paintings were considered art. In the 15th century art was often defined by ingenious written works, lavish paintings, and silver- tongued orators. I believe I, as a millennial, am experiencing a significant shift in what is considered art and have, perhaps, the broadest assortment to choose from. In my generation art can encompass anything from traditional mediums, such as paint and the written word, to non-traditional mediums, such as technology. To me, art is multidimensional in its execution and its consumption. To the artist, art is a pouring out of the soul through a medium.  To the viewer, art provokes contemplation, motivation and action. Art is deep, meaningful communication that moves people.      

    I’m a gamer. For those who don’t understand the term, it means someone who plays video games on a regular basis. I started playing games regularly when I was a kid, then life got in the way and I stopped for many years. Some may say that stopping was a good thing but I disagree. Gaming taught me resourcefulness, problem solving, how to work hard to reach my goals and how to feel confidence; things my parents neglected to instill in my sister and me.

In an article titled “The Millenials are coming,” Marian Salzman says of Millenials “Some of them are the greatest generation… They have these tools to get things done… They are enormously resourceful.” This reminds me of my sister and me when we were younger. We grew up as latchkey kids who, more or less, raised ourselves. To stave off boredom we developed keen imaginations that kept us busy for hours. When our imaginations failed us, we read books or watched cartoons on TV.  Then, one evening, my father brought home a computer he purchased; along with a box of random software and hardware, from a man he worked with. The only internet connection available to us was dial-up which was prohibitive in its slow speed. With internet use limited, my sister and I played the games that came with the computer.

    My favorite game to play then was called “Jill of the Jungle.” In this game you play as an Amazon woman named Jill who zips through the trees on vines as she fights various jungle monsters. Jill was strong and brave; the polar opposite of my timid self, and I aspired to be her. For a while the hope of that identity shaped how I acted. However, that dream didn’t last for long. Merely surviving the popularity contest of middle and high school consumed most of my time and energy. My childlikeness began to be replaced with insecurity and games were not “cool” for girls, so I stopped playing them.

     In “Outcast Generation” the author writes “My new friend… introduced me to a world...where I never thought I would find others like myself.” By the time I was 23, I had moved to Seattle, left my religion, and was in the process of reinventing my life. I felt lost and foreign to Seattle until I met the man I dated for a while. He was an avid gamer and he introduced me to a game called Legend of Zelda. Legend of Zelda is an action adventure game about a boy named Link who is on a quest to save his homeland, Hyrule; and the princess Zelda from a man named Ganon. In order to progress through the levels the player often must solve puzzles, problem solve and think critically about their next steps. The game highlights friendship, loyalty, and courage. I carried elements I learned in the game out to my everyday life and applied the principles to situations at home and work. Once again, games began to inspire change in me and shaped parts of my identity. As Dave Marsh said, in “Fortunate Son,” “No longer did I feel powerless, and if I still felt cheated, I felt capable of getting my own back, someday, some way.” Through gaming I felt equipped to step out into the world and pursue my dreams.

    The game I most love is called “The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.” Even as an older game, it is still one of the most immersive and aesthetically pleasing games available. It is an open world, adventure RPG (role playing game) in which you create a character who will become the Dragonborn: the savior of Skyrim who defeats the dragons who have been terrorizing its people. Open world games are fascinating, they're created to have very large boundaries so that players can explore the world where the game is set. A player can choose to travel around a mountain, or climb it; they wade through a river or simply follow it to their destination. The player levels up by gathering resources, forging weapons and tools, and practicing their skills all while accepting quests to assist Skyrim’s inhabitants. This game has, perhaps, shaped me the most as an adult.

    My character is a woman. She is brave, she fights dragons daily, as well as other monsters that stalk the land. She is a fierce dual wielder who attacks her enemies with the speed and precision of a well-trained warrior.  She is also a skilled magician who can call fire from the sky and ice from the air around her. I aspire to be like her; with obvious exceptions. In real life I try to be brave, I work towards being strong in body and in mind, I practice and study to develop skills needed to pursue my goals.  The vivid world I play in has inspired me to create a similar world for myself. I live in an open world, I can travel around the mountain or I can climb it; I can wade through the river or follow it to my destination. I haven't battled dragons or search for treasure, I haven't joined any guilds or helped shop owners locate missing items, but my life is an adventure nonetheless. My quests are my goals and dragons are challenges I face along the way. Like my character when a dragon looms above her, when I encounter a problem in life, I fortify myself and I draw my sword. When I approach problems as I would in the game I am able to think through them and execute appropriate solutions.

    I am not an anomaly. The gaming community is large and in it you will find many creative, passionate, driven people. Gamers live much of their lives on a quest for excellence; even if excellence is obtained by getting the highest score in Mario, maxing out our Two Handed weapon skill, or creating the perfect replica of Altair’s sword for our costume. Games feed our imaginations, but they also feed our drives. Game designers, who create these stunning worlds and orchestrate mind boggling challenges, are definitely artists. Their art speaks; it inspires and motivates a group of people who may not be driven by promises of wealth or fame, but by promises of titles such as Vault Hunter or Dragonborn.

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Kristin's MBTI preference is INFP, and she is a college student and creative. This is just one of many perspectives of a gamer, and it's so awesome to step into her world with her words. 

Finding Safety to Feel Strong Emotions...

Words can hurt us. Feeling misunderstood can hurt us.

Photo credit: seb kim

When the pain from the past creeps up, and we're met with the words, "You're still dealing with THAT?, it can feel like we're alone, and it can feel shameful. Our feelings and experiences are not being honored or validated at times because it seems like it is too much for others.

What are some reasons others would stop the sharing of painful things? Perhaps it is too much for others at the moment. It may bring up feelings of discomfort in others to see you in pain. It can be frustrations with not knowing what to do to make it better. Many times, people want to help, yet they are not prepared to do so. Instead of showing empathy, people can sometimes shut the emotions down because of this discomfort. 

It could also be societal norms that dictate which things are "more appropriate" to talk about in public. Stigma is very real, and it affects how many of us are allowed to share our personal experiences with others. 

So, what can you do to ensure you're able to process these feelings, and create a safe space?

Identify safe people.

Start with family or friends. Sometimes it will not be family, but people who have gone through similar things. Support groups, hotlines, or FaceBook groups might be a starting point.

Identify safe spaces.

Talking in loud, public places like the supermarket might not be the best places to share pains. Identify quiet, private places that you and the other person feel comfortable with having a conversation together. Think about confidentiality and if you want your information shared with people nearby.

Take a break to compose your words.

Take some deep breaths. Write your words down if it's easier to talk about how you are feeling, and what you need. Drinking tea, or a comforting beverage can help calm you down where you can write what's going on. It doesn't all have to be logical; the goal is to get the energy outside your body. Writing can help organize thoughts so when it is time to share, it can be easier to explain what you're going through, and what others can or can't do to help you during this process.

Develop boundaries.

It's okay to tell others how their behavior is treating you. Using "I-Messages", you can talk about how you're feeling when not given permission to share your experience.

"I felt disrespected/sad/(emotion) when [you said (x,y,z), you didn't listen...]

Offer opportunity for repair.

State what behavior you want, or how someone can show care. Lots of people do not know what to do to comfort someone in pain.

• "When I am sad, and need to talk, I want you to [x, y, z]. It would make me feel (loved, understood, important) if you did this. 

NOTE: If you do not know what you want/need from a loved one when you are upset, it is unfair to ask of it from them. If this is the case, take time alone to figure out what helps you improve your mood, and what helps you sort through your thoughts and emotions.

Small amounts of time.

Sometimes new information is easier to swallow in tiny bits. People need time to process as much as you do. If a problem has affected you for a long time, that means you've had a long time to think about it. Offer others a little more time to understand what you're going through by talking about it briefly every now and then. (In the meantime, you can write about it, or make art about your experience.)

Maintain respect for others.

Sometimes the best you can do is offer others compassion when they cannot understand you. You can still interact with people who do not get you; just limit how much you share, knowing that they will not understand. There can be other things to talk about. If you do not feel safe with certain people, then it is at your discretion to interact or not interact with these people.

If you're unable to find safe people after several attempts, keep looking.

Online support groups might be an option. Talking with a therapist for a short while can also be an option. Journaling and reading books related to what you're going through is also an excellent option. 

How do you make sure your feelings are being respected by others? Where do you go to talk about things that have affected you for a long time?

On Art004 - JiYoon Jessica Ahn

Introduce yourself. Who are you, and what kind of artist are you? I like to paint in acrylic paints and to draw with compressed charcoals. I like to paint semi-abstractions and Feelingscapes which I call “Felt Memories.”

How did you discover your interests in art? What is your history -with art? I loved picture books as a kid, and one day a Japanese visitor saw my stick figure cartoon and told my mom to encourage me to pursue art. My mom was always making things, usually needlecrafts, so I grew up watching her do a lot of patchwork and embroidery.

What are your favorite media? Are there specific professionals who inspire your work? Acrylic paints on canvas. Sometimes writing ink, too. Let’s see… some of the most inspiring master painters for me currently are Emily Noelle Lambert, Hiroshi Sugito, Giorgio de Chirico, Edward Hopper, and Paul Delvaux.

What goes on in your mind when you're creating? What does your artistic process look like? I get transported into my own Mind. I enjoy the “Flow” and being At One when engaged with creating. I don’t have a set method though, so each painting begins slightly differently. Sometimes I start off with ink drawings, other times I use gesso for a heavier foundation.

Weather Report. 2005. 90.9 × 72.7 cm. Acrylic on canvas.

What does art mean to you? 

Art is a Door Step to experiencing the Inner Realms of me. Art itself is a medium in that sense. It is a portal for me; a way of channeling and accessing something inside.

Zen Clouds. 2006. 53.0 x 45.5 cm. Acrylic on canvas.

Do you think there are biases or stigmas about being an artist? (Ex: There is a link between creativity and mental illness.) What are some that you've experienced? I’m pretty sure there are biases and stigmas for EVERY job on Earth, so yes to the first question. The notion that artists are somehow “different” from the rest of the human fold is a common bias from my observation.

Do you think there are any truths about the stereotypes of being an artist? In this day, much less so I think. Artists these days are more like a production line. The only real thing in what an artist does is the Process itself.

Pink Stitches. 2010. 45.5 x 53.0 cm. Acrylic on canvas.

Have any resources or tricks-of-the-trade to help fellow artists working with your media? Yes. Have a good friend who is a fellow artist and a creative. ARTS Anonymous is one that has been a treasure house of resources and sense of community for me. Once you start using acrylic paints, there is no turning back to oils! I’ve tried that once in my one room studio, but no matter how expensive and non toxic the oil paint claims itself to be, it will still stink like poison.

Face #19. 2006. 39.3 x 54.5 cm. Compressed charcoal and black ink on paper.

If you could give your young artist self or aspiring artists advice, what would it be? 

Your voice matters. Your view point matters. Your message and brushstrokes matter. Learn how to stand your ground without the wings that big corporations entice you with. Guard your Creative Soul. Seek and cherish the friends who are devoted to creating and crafting.

Face #41. 2006. 39.3 x 54.5 cm. Black ink on paper.

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For additional works by Jessica, visit her painting blog: http://jeeyoona.blogspot.kr
Questions & Comments? Email her at: jeeyoona@gmail.com

Fur Babies!

Who doesn't like photos of cats and dogs? They can help alleviate stress, become lifelong companions, and even family. Here are some photos and words on some of these wonderful fur babies. 

(photo in banner) Very cool! Thank you for posting Jasper's photo. He's truly a therapy dog... This three-legged goof helps me understand that things aren't so bad. My lil man.  <3

- Christine Nam

This is yangkong-berry.

He is 3.2 kilograms of furry good warmth at night. a live purring musician in the bathroom. and a sweet licker of my wounds and feels when I'm down.

- Jiyoon Jessica Ahn

Sometimes you just need someone to listen n my dog is one heck of a listener.

- Jessica Song

Jax has been my best friend and constant companion through the most difficult time of my life. I had never owned a pet before her. She makes sure that even through the darkest times, I am never alone.

- Ray Valee

He was a very loving and communicative cat, I meowed to him and he meowed back. He loved to play and fight too and often brought home all sorts of things as gifts: small dead animals, underwear, branches, leaves, basically anything he liked he brought to us after his strolls. He always greeted me meowing while walking in my direction after hearing me opening the gates and then walked with me curling my legs until I got inside, took off my shoes and gave him a little love troking my feet on his back and belly. He was a great company in my life and I consider having another cat in the future as it is my favorite pet.

- Ivan Barreto

Örkki (the orc) is a dog.

- Tomi Viktor Varjonvmmi

This is my dog Kai. He's not very smart but he is soft and cuddly, which is fine by me.

- Sid Tsai

This is Nala. She lives at dad's place but is loved equally by all of the family, no matter how far we live. Happily I live really close, so I go for walks and cuddles pretty often. She calms me down, and helps me remember there are purely good things in this world too.

- Emmi Eriikka

This is Sampa, she judges me often and swears up and down that humans are crazy. She is my everything <3

- Sadi Thann

This is Dozer. He was a stray someone abandoned when we were having sub zero temps. Ours now!

- Don Ostrom

Buddha. The coolest cat ever!

- Don Ostrom

And last but not least, Bruno, who thinks he's a badass, but loves to cuddle for naps.

- Don Ostrom

Henry. I didnt want him, he was pathetic, tiny (4lbs) and terrified. Now he's healthy (15lbs), happy and we're inseparable.

- Rand Melvin

Sargent Pepper. The dog Henry replaced. 120 lbs of love and joy. No dog is a better lapdog than Sarge was.

- Rand Melvin

On Art 001 - Hoa Han

Hoa's background, and the art he makes:

Born in Vietnam and raised in LA since about the age of 4. I attended Art Center College of Design, where I received my Bachelors Degree in Entertainment Design. I have been working since as a Concept artist in the advertising and marketing field.  Being a concept artist I tend to make art that most people do not get to see. My job involves generating sketches and the pre-visualization of what a game idea or a web site may possibly look  like. Images can range from character design , environmental background art, and scene illustrations to help a client see the grand scheme or the world. As for my personal work I tend to lean towards fan pop art and fantasy just because it's really fun to create. 

What the best and worst things about being an artist? 

The best thing about being an artist is really simple, I get paid to do what I love. It is a great outlet to translate your thoughts and expressions into something visual which could be shared with others. The worst thing would have to be friends constantly asking to have something created that goes to no general purpose. I enjoy drawing and painting, but I like living life as well. 

What does it mean to make art? 

Pretty deep question. To me it means just expressing your personality through your work. This can range from any form of artistry whether it be pottery, wood working, or a few strokes on a canvas. As long as the artist has a thought in what they are putting out.

What do you think the benefits of art are?

Art can have great benefits to the person creating it. Personally I find it to be very therapeutic. It allows me to put on mental blinders where I am able to fully lose myself in the process.  Leaving out the stresses from the day or perhaps the ones to come. Art is just a great outlet for anyone really to freely express themselves. Art can also benefit the observer as well. For myself  being the observer helps inspire me to keep creating new work. 

If you could give advice to people thinking of exploring art, but are hesitant to, what would it be? 

To that I would say just give it a try. It does not hurt to be creative. From my experience I have found many people want to become artists, but are doubtful of their abilities.  With patience and constant practice anyone can become a great artist.  I would also advise that art is very subjective; you just have to find your niche.  For those who dive into the art world, develop  a thick skin. Criticism is everywhere--you just have to listen to the ones that will help benefit your art. 

How can we contact you or find awesome works you've created? 

I have a site people can check out, as well as a Society6 portal. 

  http://www.hoahan.com

  http://society6.com/hoadraws

Feel free to email Hoa at Hoadraws@gmail.com

On Art 000 - Bill LaBrie

POEM: THE BLANK PAGE IS A LIE DETECTOR

The blank page is a lie detector
More strict than we’ve ever known.
When you compose or blather on,
Your inner truth is shown.

Stop short of telling everything
And they’ll know it in the end:
Too cowardly to share the tale
Of what you did back then.

©2014 Bill LaBrie

Boonie: Can I bug you about writing a blurb and how you do art? I'm curious about your creative process and how art has helped you heal. Do you think there's a stigma associated with being an artist? Why or why not?

I think depression -- at least sub-clinical depression -- is oftentimes the result of falling into one's self. It's a deep sort of loneliness where all one can see is oneself. One of the worst kinds of torture is the isolation chamber, after all. 

When you make art -- whatever it is -- you're projecting something of yourself on to the world around you. That can be affirming. C.S. Lewis has that line about why we read: So we know we're not alone. I think that's why we write/paint/sculpt/perform as well. 

My work with Release The Fear has further convinced me of the healing power of the arts. We have these kids--participants from horrible backgrounds--whose lives are often transformed by a few hours of encouragement and a couple more with a blank canvas. It's happened in hundreds or even thousands of cases.

There will always be a stigma that comes with being an artist among certain people, but to me that bespeaks a certain poverty. It's saying that we are so desperate as animals that we can't do anything for its own sake, and that everything we do must be justified in terms of utility. It's a slippery slope, I find, since by that reasoning most of us ourselves can't be justified. I guess I see love itself as the ultimate axiom that needs no justification, and art is a sort of path towards realizing love. 

Thanks!

These lovely photos are from Bill's Instagram. :)

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About Bill

Bill's MBTI preference is ENTP and he is awesomesauce. I consider him as authentic as it can get. He's an encouraging fellow artist, lifting others in the community, and I hope his works are shared with more. Thank you, Bill.

More of Bill's lovely writings:

 BillLaBrie.com: I Question Your Questioning

Like Bill on FaceBook:

Bill LaBrie Writes

Follow him on Instagram:

http://instagram.com/billlabrie

The Mental Mind [Poem by Marcus Mercado]

Anime Death Squad

Hangout Season 3

I thank Marcus for his transparency, and words. Art can offer an emotional outlet for many creative souls. If you'd like to check out more of this fellow geek and artist's shenanigans, you're in luck! He's a YouTube partner.

Anime Death Squad with Nortrodamus & Friends

Marcus' MBTI preference is ENFP, and he's got a soft spot for warm fuzzies and geeking out with other geeks. 

You think that you're the only one who lives in deep despair, but there are those who think like us and hardly even care.

You try to find out the reason why you act this way so much, but there are so many questions out there that you can only clutch.

Even though the road is dangerous, it's dangerous in your mind, but you keep on trying to escape it even in the ends of time.

But you're finally at the breaking point and it's not a very good sight, but your fighting for a little something, something that is right.

- The Mental Mind  by Marcus Mercado

Age 16 or 17

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When asked about the importance of writing, and life his at the time, Marcus replied: 

"I felt like no one understood me, just knew what buttons to push and not to push. The teachers tried their hardest to understand me but they always give up because they had other students to deal with. I felted sad and anger and no one that I could talk to at my level, so I got so bored and tired and no one understanding me I made that poem, half of the teachers were impressed and tried harder to get to know me and the other half... Let's just say they wanted to keep their distance away from me and from their students."

What advice would you give your teenage self? Would you change anything you did in high school if you could?

Personally, I would punch some common sense on my younger self for being a little unruly brat and a big hug and tell him that everything is alright and that he would get so many friends if he because more friendly to others.

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10 Tips For Self Care

Sometimes it's easier to care for and identify what needs to be done to help others in our lives. We can forget to take care of ourselves first. The problem with caring for others first is that it can lead to burning out or caregiver fatigue.

It is not selfish to care for oneself.

The healthier and happier a caregiver is, the more productive he or she can be with the helping of others. It's a win:win to practice self care. There are many lists for self care online, and here is one that I've composed. Hopefully, this list will get longer from contributions from awesome readers like you :)

Some Self Care Tips:

1) Have a moment by yourself. Do nothing and enjoy it :)

• Try sitting in a beautiful space. Whether it's plants, art, or people, find time to be around beauty as often as you can, and just enjoy the moment. Focus on your breath and how the world can slow down in this moment. 
• Don't have lots of time? Try 10 minutes a day. Try 5 if 10 seems difficult. 

2) Organize your living space.

• Decluttering or organizing your home can help with reducing stress. This is a great reason to go shopping for some pleasing furniture and art for your home. Moving books, or other items in the home can help get excess energy out.

3) Have a hobby.

• Don't have a hobby? Ask friends or family what they enjoy. Some options: hiking, walking, biking, swimming, drawing, reading, sewing, watching movies, filming, gardening...
• Make time to do what you love. It is important, and so are you.
• Play games. Think of things you loved doing as a kid, and try doing them again. Video games and board games can be a great way to relax.

4) Drink plenty of water.

• There are multiple health benefits of drinking water. Being hydrated can relieve headaches, and help clear complexions...

5) Exercise.

• Don't like exercising? There are creative ways to stay active. Go for a brisk walk with a friend. Play with children, run around your office on a break. Many studies link exercise with improved mood and decreased risk of heart disease. 
• If your work incorporates lots of sitting at a desk and computer, please take breaks to stand up and stretch. 

6) Listen to music. If you're bold enough, sing along!

• Plenty of articles have been written about the health benefits of listening to music. Now you have an excuse to listen to some of your favorite beats, and to make some for a jam session.

7) Dance.

• Really. Give it a shot :) Don't want others to see your awesome skills or lack there of? No problem! Dance by yourself! Dance in the bedroom, in the bathroom, in the living room... 
• Health benefits of dancing.

8) Have a safe place.

• Designate a place just for you to unwind. It can be a corner with a comfy chair and book, or a special spot in the park under a shady tree.
• If your safe place cannot be reached, try creating one in your mind. Don't have an amazing imaginary safe place? No worries! Keep practicing. Your imagination can build on the safe place over time, and it can become very detailed. 

9) Interpersonal connection.

• This is a big one. Chatting with loved ones can reduce huge amounts of stress. It is something to intentionally work on. Many of us are so busy with work schedules and errands, that we forget to check in with important people in our lives.
• Phone calls, conversations over lunch or tea, movie outings, group sports activities, volunteering... 
• Plenty of hugs, smiles, and laughter are important as well. A smile can change a person's day, and it most definitely can help improve your health as well. 

10) Start and End your day on a positive note.

• There are going to be crummy parts of the day, week, month or even year. Setting the tone for the start and end of your day might help with increasing gratitude.
• Having one or two positive things to reflect on every day can help promote an attitude of gratitude. 
• Being around positive people can help maintain this attitude of gratitude. Some people are just energy vampires, and it's okay to spend less time with certain people.