7 Traits of an Influential Leader

January 19, 2019 Boonie Sripom

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

Clear language
Concise statements describing tasks
Examples for others to reference
Being open to questions to verify understanding
Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)
Checking-in, but not micromanaging
Listening and confirming the experience of individuals
1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals
Praise for efforts and successes
Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group
Having fun, group events, not always being serious
Encourage members to ask for help or feedback
Model skills to develop
Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks
Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

What You Can Do With A Degree in Sociology or Psychology

November 11, 2018 Boonie Sripom

A starting point for finding jobs with degrees in sociology or psychology

The following information varies by location and field of study. Having a Masters in Psychology does not always guarantee a graduate abilities to perform therapy. There is the additional layer of supervision, having a registered associate number, passing exams, and documenting one’s hours. What if you don’t want to do therapy? What else is there career-wise, if you have a Bachelors in Psychology or Social Work? I asked a few therapists, and here are their responses and recommendations:

Group home or youth care worker. The Boys and Girls Club offers such positions.
Research. Experimental, developmental, social, and I/O psychology. These all require advanced degrees, but they aren’t at all clinical (therapy).
HR, community development, education, and marketing fields. Clinical isn’t the only option. Sociology or psychology undergrad education offer ideal skills for working within groups and communicating with individuals. Depending of your personal interests and passions, they can be combined with a bachelors to be an excellent candidate for these fields.
Nonprofit world! “I worked for Head Start, a foster care agency, and the YMCA. I found jobs on indeed.com, social service.com, and craigslist.” (When using Craigslist, please use care and ensure work is safe and vetted in some way.)
Agencies: “Our agency hires group home staff and therapeutic behavioral coaches with BAs”
A lot of options: “With a BA in any of the social sciences you can work in the helping fields as a case manager, parent partner, Behavior interventionist, mentor, coordinator level for many city parks and rec and community service programs, in group homes, in juvenile detention in mental health or at a probation officer, coordinator for after school programs, social worker for DCFS. I did many of these for 10 years before returning to grad school for my MSW. Although I was able to really help a lot of people in these positions, the pay maxes out at about 45,000 annually (in LA) unless you’re willing to work for the county in Social Work (DCFS) or Probation…”
Treatment Centers: “I often speak to grad students about how to get into the ED (eating disorder) field - I share with them how to find entry level positions in treatment centers. I always encourage clients to take any job offered in the field, no job is beneath them because they will learn so much at every level of treatment, therapy, or business.”

8 Lies Creatives Tell Themselves

August 3, 2018 Boonie Sripom

The greater culture has done a great job at sabotaging the creative journeys of plenty of us. We internalize these external messages of how to live, and what art is "supposed" to mean in a person's life. We struggle, a lot. These are some common lies I hear or personally experienced. They may resonate with you, and they may not.

Please know that it is normal to feel this way in a world that does not support the creative path.

We have a lot of unlearning to do, to live authentically without these damaging messages. You have talents to nurture. You have dreams to work towards. You have creative outlets to explore. Challenging these negative thoughts and lies can help a creative person live more authentically.

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES AS CREATIVES:

I’m not good enough to show or sell my work.
You have to be born with artistic talent.
I have to make a lot of money before I can practice art.
My family and friends have a lot of power with their opinions on my life.
I need to make and show art for free until I get famous. “Exposure” myth.
Attention to imperfect art is dangerous. It’s not finished!
There is something embarrassing or shameful about choosing this path.
You have to be emotionally intense or live with pain to be creative. If I lose this, I can’t create.

ANTIDOTES TO THESE LIES:

We all start in the beginning. Comparing will bring you down. Asking how someone got there gives you skills and supports others.
Even the masters start as apprentices. Masters put in work, and so will you.
Art is natural and has positive benefits to our lives. It is essential every day.
They may be afraid because of stereotypes, and they don’t have answers for you. Show them you will be okay by living for your values and joy. Some will come around.
This is how people take advantage of struggling artists. Thriving artists know their worth and will take payment for their work. If people want it, they should pay for it. Or, make money to make art.
Showing works in progress is BRAVE. You can learn how to take critique and grow as an artist. This takes practice. Start with small projects and people you trust and admire.
Being an artist is one of the most courageous things in this life. Lots of people wish they could do the same. Know that their reactions are about them, not you.
Our creativity comes from being able to see and think differently; we see more of everything. Artists tend to feel and see more in general. It doesn’t mean we can’t create when we are joyful or at peace. Pain is one emotion of many. We can have inspiration from all emotional experiences; joy is felt more strongly because we know how dark and paralyzing sadness can be.

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More Artist Resources

The Enneagram (guest blog by Christine Tomasello, M.S.)

July 21, 2018 Boonie Sripom

The Enneagram, guest post by Christine Tomasello, M.S.

I used to feel like something was wrong with me. I felt weird, broken, and damaged, which led to me to also feel isolated and unworthy of love. Little did I know that I was not the only person in the world feeling this way. As I got older, I learned that these are very common feelings that tons of people feel everyday. I also learned that there was a reason why I felt so unworthy for most of my life. At some point, I was introduced to something called the Enneagram and let me tell you… it changed my life.

Hi, I’m Christine and I’m a Two on the Enneagram.

What is the Enneagram?

The Wisdom of the Enneagram, my Enneagram bible, defines the Enneagram as, “a geometric figure that maps out the nine fundamental personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships.” Essentially, it’s a personality system that identifies 9 distinct personality types and the core needs of each type. Though we have all 9 types within us, we are born with one type as our most dominant. Our dominant personality type functions as our internal operating system – it acts as the lens we see the world through and motivates our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Have you ever wondered why you have certain relationship patterns or what makes you drawn to certain things in life? Why do you thrive on structure and stability… or why do you hate structure and stability? Well, the Enneagram gets to the heart of why we are the way we are.

Basic Desires and Basic Fears… We All Got ‘Em

The Enneagram is build on the core needs of each type – it identifies the basic desire (what we want in our heart of hearts) and the basic fear (what we’re most afraid of in the world) for each type.

When I learned that I was a Two, which is called The Helper, I learned that feeling connected to other people is my biggest desire and that being unlovable is my biggest fear. Suddenly, I understood what made me tick. This knowledge helped me see why relationships are so important to me, why I feel good about myself when I can help people, and why I can lose myself trying to get people to like me if I’m not careful.

A Spectrum of Behavior

One of my favorite things about the Enneagram is that it talks about behavior on a spectrum. In the Enneagram world, each type has typical behaviors that exist on a spectrum from Healthy → Average → Unhealthy. This means that our behavior – how we choose to show up in the world – isn’t a black and white issue. It’s not a matter of “good or bad”, but more a question of, “How healthy is it?”

I like this idea of the Health → Average → Unhealthy spectrum because it can help us have compassion and grace for ourselves. It’s not uncommon to slide up and down the spectrum on a daily basis. When we act in a way we’re not proud of, rather than believe it’s because we’re a bad person, we can recognize that perhaps we were in the lower-average or unhealthy part of the spectrum. And then we can figure out what we need to do to move up to the higher-average or healthy part.

Learning About Ourselves… and About Others

A lot of people take issue with any personality assessment because they don’t like to be labeled or put in a box. I can see that perspective, but I also offer another way to look at it. The Enneagram (and any personality tool, really) is designed to give you maximum self-awareness. It takes you on a deep dive into self-inquiry and introspection to help you really (really) understand yourself. It also helps you learn about other people in your life.

The 9 personality types are all very different, which tells us that there are 9 distinct ways to conceptualize the world. Once you understand the different types and know what makes a Six different from a Seven, or why a One might have some challenges with rigidity, or that a Nine may avoid conflict at all cost, then you can start to understand what makes other people tick. When you understand what makes them tick, you can have greater empathy and deeper compassion for them. You’re less likely to judge or dismiss them when they disagree with you. And most importantly, you can hold space for them to be who they truly are underneath the limiting beliefs of their basic fear, especially when they’ve slid down to the Unhealthy part of the spectrum!

The Essence of the Enneagram

The essence of the Enneagram isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you know yourself better. By knowing your type, you can better understand what makes you tick, become more aware of the automatic reactions that might get you into trouble sometimes, and learn why you have certain patterns in your life.

Russ Hudson from The Enneagram Institute once said, “Your Enneagram is what shows up when you don’t.” What he meant by this was that our Enneagram type – good, bad, and otherwise – is who we are when we live life on auto-pilot. When we dive in to truly understand who we are and how we operate, we empower ourselves with self-awareness and gain access to choice, giving us the freedom to live our life in an intentional, authentic, and purposeful way.

This blog post offers a simple breakdown of the basics of the Enneagram, which I like to call Enneagram 101. If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, reach out to me and let’s find some time to talk. If you want to find out your Enneagram type, click here to visit the Enneagram Institute’s testing center.

(Disclaimer: of course, you shouldn’t just guess someone’s type because we can’t know the internal operating system of someone else. It’s important that they take the test or define it for themselves. But when you do know someone’s dominant type, you can use that information to relate better to them.)

Christine Tomasello, M.S. is on a mission to spread the word of the Enneagram far and wide. She is a woman of many roles, wearing the hats of Coach, Consultant, Writer, and Therapist (Associate MFT, to be exact). Christine calls herself “the accidental entrepreneur” and “a recovering pessimist”, and is a proud INFP and Type Two on the Enneagram. Christine is based in San Diego, CA and works locally and virtually. You can learn more about Christine and her services at www.enneagramconsulting.com, www.leadershipfortherapists.com, and www.ghostwritingforhelpers.com.

Fine Motor Development for Young Children

September 12, 2016 Boonie Sripom

Stringing beads can help with fine motor development, Organized Messes

Early education curriculum promotes the development of the whole child. Part of the whole child is fine motor skills (fingers and hands). This is important because strong fingers can be the foundation for strong writing, and confidence in learning.

I have worked with children in the education setting for over ten years. There can be limited confidence in writing because lack of practice in activities that encouraged the development of fine motor skills. Fine motor development can be an aspect of a child we easily overlook. Intentional development can help children learn to: tie their shoes, eat with utensils, write more confidently and clearly, draw, button and zip their clothes, and be more independent with self care.

Here are some ways to promote fine motor development:

Allow toddlers to eat with their fingers: This is something that may have a cultural component. Many parents feed their children until they are four or five years old. Allowing young children to use their fingers with the "pincher grasp" can help strengthen the finger muscles.
Individual Self Care (taking clothes off/on, brushing teeth, combing hair, etc.): This is something that will take time and patience. Young children are learning how to care for themselves and help around the house. This can be messy, and it is a learning experience. Slowly giving children more autonomy to care for themselves, even if it's not perfect or takes more time build confidence for a task in the future. If we rush to put their clothes on (all the time), it's difficult to learn how to do it when we ask them to.
Drawing and coloring: It may seem like kiddos aren't learning, but making art is an essential part of developing fine motor skills. Children get to practice holding crayons and making lines on paper. It doesn't have to be perfect, and children can feel accomplished for making something.
Play doh or goop: Sensory activities can help strengthen fingers with some feedback. The activity can calm a child, while improving fine motor skills.
Zippers and Buttons: Young children love to help! Asking them to help with zippers and buttoning your clothes can help them feel useful and indirectly develop finger strength.
Arts & Crafts: With your supervision, children can use their fingers to pick up beads, coins, and other small objects and string them along a thread, count them, or place them in jars.
Tongs of eye droppers: Squeezing and holding onto objects can help improve hand resistance and patience in children.
Bubble wrap: When you receive mail, popping bubble wrap can be a fun and exciting way to develop fine motor skills. It will most likely lead to lots of giggles as well!
Turning pages & Tearing paper: Reading is essential! Asking little ones to turn the page can help improve confidence to read and fine motor skills. Tearing paper can be a great activity with junk mail, and papers that are going to be recycled. Kids can learn about helping the environment, while developing a necessary skill.
Spray bottles and water guns: Summer is coming up, and water guns will very much help develop fine motor skills. Remind kids it's okay to take breaks if their fingers start to hurt. Sometimes little ones keep going and get blisters.
BLOCKS: Larger blocks can help little ones start to develop fine motor skills by learning to take the blocks together and apart. Mega blocks are perfect for toddlers and preschoolers. When their fine motor skills are more developed, Legos are more appropriate.

Of course, supervision is important with these activities. Using these moments as bonding experiences can also help encourage the frequency of practicing.

On Being Quiet at Work or School

June 6, 2016 Boonie Sripom

Thoughts Inspired by Introversion...

This weekend, I perused through Quiet Power by Susan Cain, and its content reminded me of a few things I've learned about being quiet, or being perceived as quiet by others:

Being Quiet is Not a Weakness

The greater culture has many biases on extroversion and introversion. Many strengths (as well as traits associated with attention-seeking and vanity) are associated with extroversion, while being quiet or contemplative can be seen as unconfident, lazy, or arrogant. In terms of work performance, Introverts, or those who are more quiet, can be seen as:

Underperforming: I worked at an agency where most people don't know what you're doing unless you tell them. This can be partly cultural, and gender conditioning, among a myriad of socializing agents. Introverts tend to process details and outcomes internally, so there isn't always a big show for others to see when they're working. The world can't see all your work because it's done behind the scenes. A potential problem with being an introvert at work or school is: You can be the best at your job, and no one will know because they never saw you, or heard from you. This can also lead coworkers to rate you as less friendly, which can affect future promotions or reviews.
How to remedy the stigma: "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." I did not understand the importance of sharing my accomplished tasks of the day with supervisors or colleagues until a former principal and former supervisor told me to. This inability to naturally speak on my work also comes from culture and gender roles, which I didn't know shaped some discomfort with speaking about myself. I thought a good deed and good work speaks for itself. Other people were getting accolades and promotions, when I was as good. The only difference was, I was not talking about it. Note: Sharing about your work is not bragging; it is sharing a joy in your accomplishments, and learning how to navigate an extrovert-biased world. Also, you don't have to go overboard and feel inauthentic about sharing about your day. Checking in with one sentence or two, "I completed x, y, and z today," can make a big difference in how others perceive you or your work ethic.
Teachers, Parents, & Peers: Ask introverts for feedback in smaller groups, or check-in to see how they're doing. Asking them questions and giving a moment of time to form a response can help reduce anxiety or feeling rushed to answer quickly.

Introversion is Not Depression or Being Shy

It's about energy. Although introverts can have depression, and can be shy, these terms are not interchangeable. Introversion is more about having a brain and nervous system that responds differently to stimulation. Introverts recharge and process more clearly in small group settings or in solitude, and extroverts tend to thrive in more stimulating environments (yes, extroverts need to recharge in solitude as well). Connection and dialogue matter to introverts, but the intensity and duration may or may not differ depending on the environment and topics being explored.
Processing Times & Speaking. Sometimes small talk is difficult for an introvert to participate in. It can be very draining, especially when topics with extroverts may change quickly. By the time the introvert has compiled a suitable response to the first topic or question, the extroverts have explored twenty other things, and the introvert can't keep up. This inability to keep up can sometimes make introverts appear depressed or shy for not participating in conversations when they were trying to keep up in the first place, and couldn't.
Check-in with your brain and body. Extroverts may not fully understand, but sharing how you are energized differently can start the process. Extrovert buddies still get energized by having people around; there does not need to be constant conversation to feel connected. Sitting in silence can be a compromise to explore, and if you need to be completely alone. At work, it may be important to learn a typical routine for getting overstimulated, so you can schedule appropriate breaks.

Sharing Ideas as an Introvert

Many times the loudest person in the room gets praised for having good ideas. They can be seen as daring, confident, and competent, while their quieter peers may be seen as the opposite. In group settings, it can sometimes feel like a free-for-all to blurt things out until a decision is made. Internal processors don't perform as well in this type of stimulation. Thoughts tend to formulate better in calmer spaces, with time to generate a complete thought. Extroverts think "out loud" so the ramblings, and mistakes are available for the world to see. This tendency to think out loud and make mistakes can be interpreted as being fearless, when it's simply a natural way of cognition for extroverts.
Pre-game for meetings or conversations. Jotting down ideas before meetings can help make sharing ideas easier. Meetings dominated by extroverts may make it difficult to pause and ask for an introvert's feedback. A sticky note, reviewing the night before, or checking in with team leaders can also promote the sharing of ideas in a way that is more comfortable for introverts.
Bosses, Coworkers, and Team Leaders: Please ask quieter teammates what their ideas are. It can really help promote group cohesion, and give quieter teammates a chance to offer feedback. It might take a minute to form statements, but asking quieter teammates if they want to contribute can model an acceptance of difference within the entire team.

What are some of your thoughts or observations on introversion? Share this post with others to help promote a better understanding of introverts <3

Additional Reading:

4 types of Introverts | Introvert, Dear
MBTI inventory | Humanmetrics
How to Nurture the "Quiet Power" of Introverts | NPR
10 Awkward Moments Introverts Will Understand | Introvert Spring
Top 100 Introvert Quotes | Introvert Spring
The Power of Introverts | Susan Cain TED talk
5 Ways to Make Small Talk More Meaningful | Quiet Rev

Gifted Students & Preventing Boredom

May 15, 2016 Boonie Sripom

Part of my Quora response for preventing boredom in the classroom for gifted students.

Being gifted can be defined in numerous ways; some of us are naturally talented with learning instruments or languages. Others are athletic phenoms. For those who are exceptionally curious, public schooling may be paradoxical to one's desires to learn.

The conversations I've had with gifted individuals in-person and online reverberate with disappointment of the education system, and insatiable appetites for knowledge. Some people were born to sing, others dance.

Many gifted people are born to acquire and apply knowledge. It is like breathing.

To limit a gifted person's abilities to seek and acquire knowledge can have severe consequences in the future. Some of these consequences may be: feelings of resentment towards others who don't have a similar perspective on acquiring knowledge, impaired social skills, limited ranges of emotional expression, increased self-doubt with one's gifts or talents.

Over time, having one's intellectual curiosities unfed can lead to feelings of inauthenticity, frustrations with learning, feeling robotic or repetitive, or resentments for others who don't understand. Many gifted students can become bored because their schooling isn't considered stimulating. Many can also start acting out in class or on the playground because they are being misunderstood, or frustrated with having their needs unmet.

Some ways to reduce boredom in the classroom (for all students):

creative options for assignments
reading lists for each topic of study
open discussion times (for more vocal students to participate)
mentoring & tutoring (gifted students can find purpose with giving back)
student teaching (students may be able to share additional resources or information related to the topic being studied)
allow doodling during lecture
social groups (gifted students may feel less misunderstood when meeting others who think similarly)

To read more of my Quora response on giftedness & boredom, click here.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) & PTSD

February 25, 2016 Boonie Sripom

Editor Information: Jennifer Yi is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been trained by the EMDR Institute and is currently in the process of certification for EMDR. She is in full time private practice in Irvine, CA and focuses on individuals with anxiety disorders, depressive disorders and PTSD.

Sources of this content are from Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) by Francine Shapiro, PhD, and EMDRIA.org. Content has been edited for organization and length.

What is EMDR?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing- I know it’s a mouthful so don’t worry if you forget what it stands for or if you’re not even sure what it means. It is a psychotherapy that was developed by psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro and has been recommended as an effective treatment for trauma in the Practice Guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association, the Departments of Veterans Affairs and Defense, SAMHSA, the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and the World Health Organization.

Origination

It all began in 1987, when Dr. Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts, under certain conditions. Dr. Shapiro studied this effect scientifically and, in 1989, she reported success using EMDR to treat victims of trauma in the Journal of Traumatic Stress. Since then, EMDR has developed and evolved through the contributions of therapists and researchers all over the world. Today, EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches.

What Causes Psychopathology?

Dr. Shapiro’s theory is that disturbing memories are the cause of psychopathology. When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, it may overwhelm normal coping mechanisms. The body may go into fight, flight, or freeze. In the case of the last scenario, the right and left lobes of the brain may also “freeze” and stop communicating with each other. Therefore the memory and associated stimuli are inadequately processed, stored dysfunctionally in an isolated form. Inadequately processed disturbing memories may be the root of Depressive disorders, Anxiety disorders, Specific Phobias and PTSD.

What is PTSD?

Those who develop PTSD do so after being exposed to a traumatic event. Due to the incorrectly stored memories, their symptoms tend to fit into 3 main categories: (1) Re-experiencing the traumatic event. This may occur through nightmares, flashbacks, reliving the event, or having a great deal of distress when in a situation like the trauma (2) Avoidance. This may occur through avoiding having particular thoughts or feelings. The person with PTSD may avoid activities or having conversations related to the trauma. He or she may feel withdrawn, disinterested, or numb to emotions. (3) Arousal. This may come in the form of feeling “on edge”, having difficulty concentrating, or sleep problems.

How EMDR Works

The goal of EMDR is to reduce the long-lasting effects of distressing memories by developing more adaptive coping mechanisms. The therapy uses an eight-phase approach that includes having the patient recall distressing images while receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side to side eye movements. The bilateral stimulation helps link the right and left lobes of the brain facilitating the digestion of improperly stored memories into a calmed form and integrated into the rest of the memory network. This results in the reduction/elimination of unwanted symptoms and helps the client move forward and have improved functioning in the present and future.

EMDR is not a form of hypnosis, the client is fully awake and aware during the session.

Several clinical trials have found EMDR to be superior to other types of treatments for posttraumatic stress. These studies have shown that EMDR worked better than other treatments such as such as biofeedback relaxation, active listening, and other forms of individual therapies. One study found an 100% elimination of PTSD in single trauma victims after participating in an average of 6 EMDR sessions. Another study found that two EMDR sessions brought posttraumatic stress scores within normal range. The one study to use a full course of EMDR treatment for combat veterans reported a 77% elimination of PTSD in 12 sessions.

EMDR vs Exposure Therapy

Exposure therapy is frequently used as a PTSD treatment. In exposure therapy, the client relates his/her traumatic experience in detail for an hour in the treatment session. He or she then typically listens to an audiotape of the session as homework for an hour every day. Exposure therapy also requires homework in which the client engages in an avoided activity related to the trauma (e.g., going into Manhattan). Clients are recommended to spend an additional hour or so per day on such activities. The daily homework hours (e.g., 25-100 hours) are necessary, as PTSD improvements are related to homework completion. Not only is the homework lengthy, many clients are unable to complete the homework due to the high level of distress it causes. In comparison, EMDR does not require detailed descriptions of the trauma. EMDR also does not require fixed concentration on the event. It only requires in-session time for treatment. Homework in EMDR usually consists of the client writing down any problems he or she has between sessions and using a relaxation technique if needed. There have been four studies comparing EMDR and exposure therapy alone. All have reported approximately equal results on most measures. Rates of getting better ranged from 50-80% in both treatment groups, despite the differences in assigned homework. One study that made homework the same for both EMDR and Exposure treatments showed better success in EMDR participants (70%) than Exposure participants (17%).

EMDR was originally developed to treat adults with PTSD; however, it is also used to treat other conditions such as depression, phantom limb pain, chronic pain, and various anxiety disorders. Children have been successfully treated as well.

If you or anyone else think EMDR may be right for you, you can search for an EMDR therapist here: http://www.emdria.org/search/custom.asp?id=2337

Jennifer Yi can be contacted:

949-391-9741 or jennifer@therapyi.com

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child (Guest Post)

December 25, 2015 Boonie Sripom

Author Information: Andre Larocque is a district level behavioral specialist consultant with a narrowed study in Oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and Antisocial personality disorder. In addition to his education in psychology he has 8 years direct experience working in residential treatment.

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Spare the rod, Spoil the Child: A Behavioral Primer for the Non-spanker.

By Andre Larocque

Edited by: Evita Sandoval

History of a Limit Tester

All these discussions about spanking usually start with“Spanking worked for me.” In all fairness it worked for me as well. I remember being a young, quiet boy in Vermont who enjoyed the woods and building forts. I wasn't always a well behaved behaviorist however. I was a young aggressive researcher who enjoyed finding his limits with adults. I remember one aunt in particular being brave enough to babysit me at the time. I took the opportunity while she fell asleep watching soap operas to slap her as hard as I could before running outside to climb my families fir tree. At this point it was appropriate for me to internalize several existential questions. Rightly so, as she stood seething at the bottom of the tree she was correct to remind me, I would eventually have to come down and she had a long memory. Most adults do, and lets be fair now I was a child asking for a limit to be set.

Spanking as a Tool

In the above example most people are quick to point out serious behaviors demand serious consequences, and we would be doing a disservice to our kids by demonstrating otherwise. Such an assertion would be completely correct. I got paddled when I came down from our families fir tree and most would argue my consequence was earned.

Kids are incredibly smart. Anyone who has spent time with children knows they are a sponge for positive and negative experiences. So where does spanking fit in all this? Throughout my studies in college spanking was discussed at length. Corporal Punishment is a hot button issue in psychology. Behaviorists at the time were still catching flak for incorrectly addressing “expectations” and the role expectations play in behavioral outcomes. A good example of this criticism can be seen through spanking. When a child limit tests and they are spanked, ideally the target behavior shapes to be lower in frequency, intensity, or both. Parents understand this concept but often not in the same behavioral context. Target behaviors do shape through spanking. However, there is a dark secret in all this. The behavior only appears to shape when the spanker/enforcer is around to implement the expectation and its subsequent behavioral consequence. The authority in this case chose to buy obedience at the cost of resentment. When the authority chose to spank, behind closed doors the behavior was made worse, having been built upon resentment towards the spanking authority. The spanker doesn't know that. The babysitter, school, neighbors and police however do see that behavior that was supposedly shaped to be lower. These are the same kids that say their pleases and thank you's but then decide to pepper spray their neighbors toilet paper when no one is around. Behaviorists for the most part agree that there are very unintended negative outcomes for corporal punishment being shown in the long term for kids. These unintended consequences include higher substance abuse rates, lower grey matter in the brain and even significantly higher rates of mood disorders [1][2][3][4][5].

Behaviorism as a Tool

Usually at this point in the spanking discussion folks lose a bit of hope. The reason why is often because it begs the question “What tools do we have to shape behavior if spanking is not ideal?” The solution is very hopeful because in the modern age we have many new rewards and many new logical consequences that technology provides us with. The most effective tools behaviorists have had for centuries are consistency, prevention and fairness. The reason why there is a disparity in power between kids and adults, is because sometimes children make poor and uninformed decisions which demands adults take charge to mitigate that risk for a time. To expand on good behavioral practices there are several things a parent can do to shape behaviors in an effective way and most of them center around the mitigation of risky or maladaptive behaviors. When a parent sees limit testing their actions and words should always be a decisive “No”. Limit testing is the clear understanding of the expectations and the subsequent disregard of them. Soft limits like negotiating, being unclear, begging for change, nagging, or providing any grey area will always result in more limit testing. This will also demonstrate that your expectations are not worthy of your child's respect. When a parent sees a child asking for, or demonstrating a need for support the response is different. When a child is uninformed and does not know the limit or its tangent expectations, a wise response would be a kind request for more information. This supportive discussion should involve the authority providing an explanation, and replacement behaviors with regard to the behavior being spoken about. If one responds to support testing with a decisive “No”, that person builds obedience at the cost of resentment. This resentment can lead one to be just as ineffective as one that chooses a soft limit. One thing I often suggest, for parents looking to “clean up” behavioral practices, is a behavioral contract in which everyone in the household signs. In the contract target behaviors and consequences are spelled out clearly without soft limits and everyone is equally responsible for adhering and enforcing that contract. Weekly house meetings to revise the family contract can be very beneficial for everyone involved. When there is a violation of the contract, it is nothing “personal”, it is simply the law as the household agreed. The antecedent to resentment does not exist in this method allowing for a positive household without all the underlying emotional cultch.

Behaviorism in Practice

Much of being consistent is having scripts and expressing yourself and your expectations correctly and systematically every time. This prevents maladaptivity from taking root by keeping expectations fair, firm and consistent. Any soft limits, or punitive practice, will result in heightening the frequency and/or intensity of limit testing [6].

“It has been brought to my attention that you are choosing to bully kids at school. Our behavioral contract states unkindness, and disrespect, will result in a simplification of your communicative tools. You demonstrated I can't trust you behind closed doors so we also need to simplify privacy as well. The wifi is being turned off, your cell phone service is being turned off and your door is being taken of its hinges and is coming with me for a week. Once you are able to communicate respectfully and kindly we will discuss regaining the privileges that trust would afford you.”

“You are not showing you have control over your body right now. As per our behavioral contract that means you need to take a break, I need you to take a timeout in that chair until you can show me a calm face and a calm body.”

“I would love to take you to the store, but you tantrumed in public to get what you want. Our behavioral contract states I need to trust you will make good social decisions in public or I can't take you with me. You showed me that you need to take a break from going anywhere until I know you will make good social decisions. Maybe you can regain this privilege by showing me better ways in asking for what you want and accepting when I tell you no.”

References

[1] Gershoff, Elizabeth T. (Spring 2010). "More Harm Than Good: A Summary of Scientific Research on the Intended and Unintended Effects of Corporal Punishment on Children". Law & Contemporary Problems (Duke University School of Law) 73 (2): 31–56. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[2] Durrant, Joan; Ensom, Ron (4 September 2012). "Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research".Canadian Medical Association Journal 184 (12): 1373–1377. doi:10.1503/cmaj.101314. PMC 3447048. PMID 22311946. Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[3] Ateah C.A., Secco M.L., Woodgate R.L. (2003). "The risks and alternatives to physical punishment use with children". J Pediatr Health Care 17 (3): 126–32. doi:10.1067/mph.2003.18. PMID 12734459Retrieved 23 December 2015.

[4] Tomoda, A.; Suzuki, H.; Rabi, K.; Sheu, Y.S.; Polcari, A.; Teicher, M.H. (2009). "Reduced prefrontal cortical gray matter volume in young adults exposed to harsh corporal punishment".Neuroimage. 47(Suppl 2):T66-71.doi:10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.03.005 PMID 19285558

[5] MacMillan H.L., Boyle M.H., Wong M.Y., Duku E.K., Fleming J.E., Walsh C.A. (October 1999)."Slapping and spanking in childhood and its association with lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in a general population sample".Canadian Medical Association Journal 161(7): 805–9. PMC 1230651. PMID 10530296.

[6] Mackenzie R.J (2011) “Setting limits with your strong willed child” Retrieved 23 December 2015.

5 Signs Your Child is Learning in Preschool

November 23, 2015 Boonie Sripom

Signs your child is learning in preschool, organized messes

It's difficult parenting little ones. There are so many parts of a person to consider, and when it comes to education, some of us have specific definitions of what it looks like when a child is learning. It can be frustrating and scary when our preschooler or kindergartner isn't writing their name or speaking as fluently as their peers. Kids do develop at their own paces, and may show their learning in different ways. The tricky part of seeing the successes of early education is how diverse it can be. Here are some ways a child can show that his or her preschool is teaching them:

1. Singing songs

Preschools use lots of music and art to build a foundation for learning. Songs can be used to teach the days of the week, numbers, shapes, and how to greet others in the morning. If a child is singing in the home, take note of the songs. Singing shows that your child is retaining information, and is enjoying their time at school.

Songs for younger kiddos having a rhythm as fast as their heartbeat makes it easier to listen to and learn. That's why nursery rhymes are slower. They can also help calm children down.
Songs can be used to give directions at home. Singing about washing up or eating dinner can make the activity more fun, and less stressful.
It takes a while for kids to get tired of things they love, so singing their favorite songs during non-preferred activities might help make them more enjoyable.

2. Drawing

Since verbally expressive language is not well-developed early on, children can visibly show their learning and curiosity of the world through drawing. Asking open-ended questions or making statements about objective parts of the drawing can help facilitate more language and dialogue with your little one.

Some ways to talk about drawings:

Tell me more about this (point at part of drawing)
I see lots of (color)
Let's make a story about (drawing).
What happens in the picture?
Which part do you like most about (drawing)?

A note on drawing when children are not writing yet:

Drawing and coloring are part of PREWRITING. Children need fine-motor skills to write well. Their hand and finger muscles need practice to hold a pencil, and using crayons is a natural part of a strong foundation to write. If you are concerned about your child not writing yet, practice a word or a letter at home each day until they master it. Try a few times a day and remember to make it fun and casual with praise for trying. Having art supplies and paper readily available can help promote prewriting skills.

3. Nonstop talking

Kids love talking about themselves and their world. Sometimes their grammar is incorrect, and they use the wrong pronouns. That's okay. Most of the time, young children will learn over the years and correct their word choice by hearing others speak properly. If a child likes to talk about certain topics, ask questions, or just listen. Hearing what your child likes to talk about can help see what your child is learning about or interested in.

Some ways to promote conversation at home:

Create a routine where you and your child have 1:1 time (maybe even five or ten minutes), where you check in about the best parts of each other's days. You can model the sentences and take turns talking. It can be at the dinner table or during bath time, but making it consistent can help establish a pattern for your child to talk more.
Have prewritten topics in a jar. Ask your child to name words to put on the cards (so they are topics he or she knows about) and have your child choose one every day to talk about. A couple sentences about the topic can go a long way to increase your child's sense of success.
Share stories as a family. After adults are done speaking, take time to listen to your little one as well. Often we forget to wait and let children share their stories. Asking open-ended questions can help develop your child's language skills.

A note when children are not talking:

Sometimes children don't speak for their own reasons. If you are concerned, and your child isn't speaking, or does not have a similar-sized vocabulary compared to his or her peers, consulting with your physician or a speech pathologist might help. If you are concerned with emotional or behavioral reasons for why your child is not or suddenly stopped talking, contacting a therapist may help. I love working with young children with different ways of communication. Please call me today at (949) 381-1894 to see how I can help your child find their voice, and your parenting process.

4. New Words or Phrases

Children are sponges for information, and little scientists. It can be frustrating as a toddler not having words to communicate, so when they do start speaking, new words are like a superpower. Many times, children will start talking or wanting to learn more about the same topic over and over again. Repetition helps the brain store information into long-term memory, so talking about the same topics can help a child feel proud of mastering new information. Hearing new words or phrases that aren't used at home can also show you that your child is learning from preschool peers or teachers.

Children sometimes say things like, "Teacher says..." or "Miss. (name) says this..." Sharing what other people say models learning from others.
Memorizing lines in stories also shows children are learning. If there is an emphasis on certain topics, you can explore further details by providing more books on the same topic, or expand on areas of knowledge by introducing books related to different topics.

5. Playing with Toys

A child's natural language is to play. Play helps a child make sense of the world by modeling what they see, and repeating what they see at school can give a snapshot of what information is being learned.

How to facilitate play:

Have diverse toys available, and rotate them so children can stay stimulated. (puzzles, stuffed animals, blocks (very important!), pretend clothes, play doh, balls, sensory toys, books...)
Take a look around the preschool or kindergarten and ask the teachers which toys are the most popular. See if you can find an inexpensive version of popular toys for the home.
Ask your child which toys they love at school, and create a set together for home.
Make play dates where friends can bring toys to share.

I offer one-time consults on early education and choosing a preschool. Please contact me to see if I can help! (949) 381-1894

Additional Readings:

Play: Is It Important For Children? - Organized Messes

How To Work Through Toddler Tantrums - Organized Messes

8 Ways To Promote Language in Young Children - Organized Messes