ADHD & Neurodivergence During Homework Wars - You're NOT Lazy, Disobedient, or Slow

Common Phrases an ADHDer & Others May Hear:

“You’re Not Even Trying.”

“Why are you repeating the question? I just said it.”

“Stop doing that (stim or focus activity) and look at your homework.”

“We’ve done this a million times. Why don’t you get it yet?”

This is a common scenario that can be uttered during the homework battles of being a neurodivergent learner. If you’re an adult, you may remember hearing similar statements or having the feelings of frustration fill the room and overwhelm your body. What happens when this exchange and series of messages accumulate over time?

You may internalize certain labels or themes that resonate with being lazy, less than, and uncertain.

When important people tell us again and again that something is wrong with us, we may start to believe it.

It can feel overwhelming and difficult to try again, ask for help, or even want to explain how you think or interpret a homework question. “This person already made judgments against me, why should I even try?” For a young and sensitive person seeking authentic experiences and connections, having this realization can be an obstacle to learning. There is a potential power differential in the room, too. Adults, teachers, and other professionals have a weighted responsibility to see how their implicit and explicit behaviors affect the development of a learner.

This can lead to a cycle that repeats and further reinforces certain traits as a self-concept. Some of these traits neurodivergent learners may internalize could be: “I’m lazy, unteachable, slow, annoying, and unworthy of attention unless I’m perfect.”

So, what do we do?

The Actual Problem(s)

For a neurodivergent learner, there is an atypical pattern of consuming information and experiences in a NONLINEAR way. Being neurodivergent many times comes with learning differences and “inefficient” ways of taking in information.

Is this wrong? Heck no. It’s a different pattern of gathering information, processing it, and making connections to learn. The confusing and frustrating part is that our world and education system are set up for LINEAR everything.

While neurodivergent people are attempting to learn and rest certain parts of their brain and body by going to different types of stimulation sources, the neurotypical world is trying to redirect them again and again to “FOCUS” on the task at hand.

Well, the neurodivergent brain is TRYING to. It’s like when you exercise and certain body parts are tired. It’s time to let those muscles rest and focus on another muscle group or stop exercising. That’s it. That’s the difference.

The neurodivergent brain needs more rest to make more connections because the information is touching many parts of the brain at the same time. It can be exhausting, AND show no “outcomes” because the information is still filling up different “buckets” of themes in the brain. This is where executive functions coaching is important, and learning how to better understand one’s learning processes can help. We neurodivergent people may have to learn and practice exponentially more than neurotypical people.

Certain concepts and life skills must be taught step by step with reasons of importance.

Ross Greene writes on identifying problems and obstacles to growth and success in The Explosive Child. It’s an amazing read and highly recommended.

• Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems

  Instead of thinking our ADHDers (and others) are attention-seeking, defiant, or lazy, we can learn to reframe this situation as a space where certain skills or obstacles are stopping the learning process. This requires having perspective and compassion outside of oneself. Not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone can easily do the same things you can. AND it can be frustrating to see a loved one struggle because you want them to succeed and grow so much. A question to ask is:

  “What are obstacles stopping this learner from learning or doing what was asked?”

  Possible lagging skills to look out for:

• Difficulty with Transition from one task to another

• Difficulty maintaining focus (identify which tasks)

• Difficulty problem solving during (specific subject, assignment, task)

• Difficulty communicating needs (identify which needs)

• Difficulty managing emotions shuts down when (activity), identify which emotions

• Difficulty applying information unless paired with real-world reasons (aka the WHY?)

  Unsolved Problems:

• Poor fine motor control or pain when writing

• Cannot hear or process information with noises in the background

• Don’t know how to communicate misunderstandings (with certain people, multiple-step directions, vocabulary of certain topics unknown, etc.)

• Cannot self regulate during (task or specific time)

• Difficulty transitioning to homework after school on Mondays

Externalize the Problems

When we are able to take a step back and observe situations individually, there is an ability to separate a person from the problems. This is HUGE. It helps reduce shame and feeling defensive. Work towards change can begin when talking about problems instead of people.

Gathering Information

Before solutions can be identified and tried, it’s important to take some time to gather enough information to see when our learners are having difficulties. When we observe without judgment, information can be objectively identified to highlight things we might have overlooked when we are overwhelmed about fixing everything.

Asking Yourself: Is the problem I see the actual problem?

After practicing observing without judgement, and identifying lagging skills and unsolved problems neurodivergent people in our lives have, a wider perspective can be developed. I found it common to see the pain parents and others experienced when their neurodivergent loved ones struggled. It makes sense. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we want them to meet their potential. When someone struggles with something you can easily do, or have tried so hard to support, it can feel demoralizing. Feeling pain when someone else struggles means you have compassion. That is a wonderful human trait.

Again, as the practice of looking for lagging skills and unsolved problems becomes a more common lens of the world, there is also a realization that each person has a different set of skills, gifts, personalities, and goals for this life. We can be honest about the expectations we have for each person in our lives as well as respect how someone may pursue their life path. A stronger bond of understanding and compassionate support can be developed. That can be liberating for everyone involved.

Further topics related to lagging skills and unsolved problems include: coregulation and executive function skills. I plan to write more on these subjects later. Please check back!

Executive Function Skills - Helping a scattered thinker through cycles of practice

Executive function skills - external thinking & practice

Therapeutic Metaphors in the Hit Anime Demon Slayer (Guest Post by Dr. Gian Ramos)

About Dr. Gian Ramos

Being INFP with ADHD I spent a lot of my younger years on introspection. In a world that seemed entirely overwhelming, laying in bed looking up at the ceiling, and pondering the meaning of life was one of the ways I learned to cope with it all. As a kid, I loved reading books, but my ADHD made it so that I was only able to engage in books when I was at my optimum mindset. More often than not, anime and manga served as the backdrop for my musings, it's captivating visuals kept my wayward mind focused long enough for me to immerse myself in the complex themes and the writing that often centers sensitivity as a strength. Anime gave me the tools to work on my mental health at a time when both my home and school environment were unable to lift me up.

Today, I try my best to take all the life lessons that I learned in my own childhood and put them to good use in my work as a medical doctor. As a medical student, I made it a point to work often in the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Unit as Child and Adolescent Psychiatry is the field that I intend to specialize in. Throughout my years of study I've noticed that, like myself, a large fraction of patients I've had in this setting are anime fans and often relate to anime characters emotionally. Often, parents come to me with concerns over their children's viewing habits. "She's watching this new show called Demon Slayer, and I'm scared that it may be too violent for her." To be clear, I completely understand that Demon Slayer is a series intended for young adults. The series begins with the grisly murder of the main character's family and blood and gore are an essential part of the series' storytelling as demons can only be killed through decapitation. However, whenever I am approached about how one should address this situation I cannot help but think of my 10-year-old self, watching Inuyasha (an equally if not more graphic show) late at night, wishing my parents would one day ask me about the media that fascinated me back then. I am an advocate for showing interest in the media that sparks joy in your children and asking questions while not shying away from difficult topics.

In the interest of framing the value that anime can have in a therapeutic setting, I want to discuss the various potential subjects in which one could leverage a kid's love of the currently incredibly popular series Demon Slayer to help improve your relationship with them and also set the stage for vital metaphor-driven discussions around mental health, trauma, and growth.

• Demon Slayer features a surprisingly sensitive male protagonist

  • The main plot in Demon Slayer revolves around the main character Tanjiro.  A boy with a surprisingly strong sense of smell and a strong sense of responsibility.  He dutifully cared for his family and was a valued member in his community until one day he returned to find that his family was murdered by demons.  The only one left alive was his sister who had been cursed to become a demon.  The way demons function in Demon Slayer is very similar to the way vampires work in western myth.  Demons have a natural thirst for humans that is very hard to fight against.  In the first few minutes of the show a Demon Slayer berates the main character for being "too sensitive" when confronted with the idea that because his sister has turned into a demon he should find the resolve to end her misery by taking her life.  But our main character finds the inner strength to commit himself to the task of finding a way to cure his sister's curse, despite the expectations of the status quo that demand he discard his brotherly love in favor of disposing of his clearly affected sister.
    
    Many of the kids I have worked with have related to Tanjiro's story.  One, for example, told me: "I have a brother that is autistic. I have friends that judge me when I prioritize my brother's needs because I love him."  Finding stories of characters with the same sensitivity and fraternal love can be incredibly validating in a world where boys are encouraged to bury their emotions and emulate toxic masculinity.  Tanjiro's kindness and sensitivity is a theme throughout the series.  He often attracts others through kindness.

• Becoming a Demon Slayer: Mindfulness and Executive Function Skills

  • For any series that centers on a class of warriors or wizards, it is important to read what value these disciplines hold for our own daily lives.  A kid who loves Star Wars most likely would like to be a Jedi, there is plenty of work being done in utilizing Jedi metaphors to teach children about mindfulness.  Similarly, a child who watches Naruto most likely dreams of becoming a ninja.  The Demon Slayers are a group of people who fight demons, which alone holds a strong metaphoric value given that we often define our struggles as demons ("I'm fighting my demons").  But there are aspects of Tanjiro's Discipline that can be leveraged to teach someone how to develop mental health skills:
    

• Total Concentration and Mindfulness

  • Tanjiro harnesses the power of Total Concentration when he fights demons.  In short Total Concentration is a technique that relies on regulating your breathing in moments of strife in order to center yourself.  It communicates an essential skill for any swordsman who fights their own demons.  In order to perform at your best capacity, you must prepare your mind and body and remain calm.  Tanjiro uses his breathing not only to center himself but also to imbue his strikes with decisiveness.  This is a basic concept in both yoga and martial arts, proper breathing helps regulate heart rate and relaxes our muscles.  It is one of the most ancient and simple ways in which one can exercise mind over matter in moments of tension. Talking about breathing using Tanjiro's Total Concentration technique as a framework is an excellent way to teach kids mindfulness in a context that is fun and empowering.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Following the Thread to a Clean Strike

  • Demon Slayer is a visual spectacle.  When Tanjiro achieves a state of flow in a battle where his mind is centered and his strikes are true his blades flow like water.  The series represents this state of flow by allowing us to see how Tanjiro visualizes his water style.  Every strike leaves streams of water in its wake in a grand Ukiyo-e style. During the first arc in the series, Tanjiro's teacher tells him that he cannot apply to the test of becoming a Demon Slayer until Tanjiro proves his worth by cutting a large boulder with his sword.  Tanjiro spends months trying to achieve this to no success.  It is after a long time that Tanjiro learns to visualize a thread that extends from his sword to the target he intends to strike.  It is interesting to mention that while the series expertly animates all of its fight scenes showing how the thread that Tanjiro visualizes connects his strike, the series makes it very clear that the very same spectacle is a result of Tanjiro's skillful use of visualization.
    
    As someone who is neurodiverse, I cannot stress enough how important it is to be able to properly institute goals and visualize the path to achieving them.  In more simple terms we can talk about the art of breaking in martial arts.  We've probably all witnessed the way a martial art expert can set a pile of bricks in front of them and break them to show the mastery of their art.  What we often don't know is that this test does not only measure strength, but also conviction and visualization skills.  An initiate to the martial arts is only able to measure their strikes to their targets, when they punch they do not visualize their fists going through the target for maximum impact.  When you practice the art of breaking you are visualizing your strike going through the breakable object.  You are also accepting the pain that comes with meeting such a hard object but you have the confidence that you will come out successful on the other side.
    
    When I was diagnosed with ADHD one of the most useful skills I added to my toolbelt was the skill of visualizing my goals and the path to accomplishing them, I also learned not to visualize the bare minimum (lest my strikes fail me) but to visualize a strike that falls a bit further than my goal to make sure I at least land a decent strike.  In therapeutic work, this often means putting various measures and methods to arrive at the same goal to ensure success.  It is vital that one be able to visualize the thread that will make sure your blade will strike true.

Demon Slayer, published by Aniplex of America, written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge

• Tanjiro and his Senses

  • Tanjiro is intensely aware of his strengths and knows when to use them and when to rely on his support system.  Demon slayers tend to have a hyper-developed sense that they can rely on.  For Tanjiro it is his sense of smell, for his friend Zenitsu is his sense of hearing.  Tanjiro knows to use his sense of smell as a strength when fighting and when tracking demons.  More importantly, he knows to rely on his support system when he is overwhelmed.  When Tanjiro engages in battle there are various situations where demons use his heightened sense of smell against him.  They will often flush the battlefield with demonic energy that has a distinctively bad smell.  Tanjiro usually takes stock of the resources he has around him.  When he is alone he focuses on his Total concentration and reads the battlefield sometimes tactically retreating to gather information and strategize. 

  • When he is with his friends he communicates his needs and lets them know that he is overwhelmed and requires help from his friends.  He'll often say things like: "I am overwhelmed by the smells, I'm going to need to rely on you hearing to get me through this fight."  Having a character who is aware of his strengths and weaknesses and is able to communicate them to his benefit is character representation that is always needed in my book. 

    Too often highly sensitive individuals feel that communicating their needs will push others away and label them as nuisances.  However, a character like Tanjiro is a hero that is unashamed of their sensitivities and by communicating his needs manages to be a valuable asset to any team. 

These are a few examples I've thought of at the top of my head, but if there's anything I've learned from being in the Geek Therapy community is that in every narrative there are a wealth of metaphors that we can use in therapeutic practice.  The hard work of looking inward and developing executive function skills can seem daunting, especially when we are working with children.  However, stories like the ones Demon Slayer provides are great ways to reframe a conversation to one of empowerment and self-discovery.  After all, who doesn't want to be a Jedi, a ninja, or a demon slayer?  Even in adulthood, when our inner child is gasping for release, these metaphors are incredibly useful for keeping our self-care work motivating and rewarding.  Through Tanjiro we can learn to be sensitive, to care for those we love, to set our goals and a path to success, to communicate our needs and take stock of our strengths, to be better versions of ourselves.  If we can co-opt these narratives for our betterment why wouldn't we? If this message resonates with you, imagine what other narratives in the vast ocean that is geek culture lie waiting to be discovered, transformed, and applied to our betterment.

Images are used for educational and informational purposes. 

Attribution: Demon Slayer is written and illustrated by Koyoharu Gotouge and published by Shueisha and Aniplex of America CC by 2.0

Dr. Gian Ramos, Medical Doctor & Chief Medical Advisor for Geek Therapy

Dr. Gian Ramos is a content creator for the Geek Therapy Podcasts Network. To see more of his content please check out the Here Comes a Thought podcast (A Steven Universe Psychology Recap Podcast) and Otaku Ryoho (An Anime and Philosophy/Psychology Podcast). You may also Contact him directly on the Geek Therapy Facebook, Discord, or on Twitter at @Psychogonically

Cleaning & Decluttering Tips for Smart & Scattered People (ENFP, INFP, INTP, ENTP, ESTP, ISTP, ISFP, ESFP, Neurodivergent)

As a fellow ENFP who’s mother was a personal organizer for years let me help.

1. Grab large trash bags. One for trash ,one for give away

2.Make your bed

3. Throw all clothes on it. Hang up clean, throw laundry in hamper. Once clothing is put away remove hamper from room if possible.

4. Start throwing things away. Trash, bring any plates/ cups to kitchen.

5. If anything in the room belongs somewhere else in the house do that next.

6. Set a timer and take a break, no more than 20 minutes, drink some water and relax.

7. Get a bin or bag or someone to put the “I don’t know where this goes” start placing the random items in it. Things that you need but don’t have a home for. We will find a place for it later.

8. Start putting the things away that you do know where they go. Books on the shelf ect.

9. Your bed should still be made a clear, start using it for piles. Pick 2 or 3 catalogs to start with. Like papers, hobbies ect.

10. Keeps paper near by to write down what you need storage wise.

11. Start putting things in that give away bag. If you haven’t touched it in over a year and don’t see a use for it give it away.

Once everting is put away get that random bag and find a place for it.

Tips. Start in the morning, a good room organization can take all day, don’t start at 8pm, you will get tired and lose motivation.

Once it is all clean and organized keep it clean but spending 15 minutes at night putting everything away.

Good luck

What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us

1. There are bosses and monsters to fight, and sometimes we can do this on our own, find allies along the way, and team up with others. Battling external or internal monsters in our lives can be a daunting task. The great thing about being a hero is that there is the option of going at it alone, or taking a few players with you.

2. In teams, different skills are used by different people. You are not expected to be the best at everything. Some people are generalists or hybrids, useful for many skills. Some fights need high agility or fire spells when you only have agility. A teammate with strong fire skills can battle with you.

3. If you put all your points in one talent/talent tree, you are excellent for facing specific situations. Be mindful of your strengths, and when someone else may be better suited for this fight. It doesn’t mean you are useless. It means not everyone can do everything exceptionally well.

4. Some games can be beaten or mastered in a day. Others take weeks or months to understand. Patience and information gathering is a virtue of a Hero. Practice new skills, and be okay with saving the game for another day. It will still be there when you’re more prepared.

5. Other heroes know the fights better than you. Seek mentorship and advice. Online tutorials are your friend. If and when you get stuck, there is nothing wrong with asking the online community for help, and watching videos on how other people overcame challenging parts. If it’s difficult for you, chances are it’s difficult for someone else.

6. As you journey you will face enemies; sometimes they are big, but most of the time they are small. You always have the option to run away or avoid the fight in the first place. You can keep gaining XP and skills to come back to the bigger bosses later.

7. Sometimes levels are easy, and sometimes they’re hard!

8. Heroes need armor and protection. As you quest and meet others, you will benefit from upgrading your armor and tools. The better the tool for the job, the more efficient your outcome. And sometimes, a really really good weapon is overkill for the fight.

9. Elixirs can help give you abilities and resistance. Medicine is important to cure ailments or we cannot continue our Hero’s Journey.

10. Being Brave: even if you are scared, because many times it is scary venturing into unknown lands and facing big monsters, you do it anyway!

11. Sometimes heroes need help. It’s important to know a Hero isn’t someone who can do things alone. There is always a series of helpers along the story and game. The people who you surround yourself with reflect how strong you are. If you need to be surrounded by better people, search for them. Online communities can help build a stronger community if we choose the right people.

12. You start off as a noob, then you become a pro, and god once you master the game. This is especially important to remember for those starting something new, or shaping a craft that isn’t naturally easy. If it makes you happy, is something you wish to improve and focus on, remember that we each started off as noobs. And sometimes we stay noobs. Not everyone is pro at everything.

13. As in Life and video games, we have the Main Quests and Side Quests. The side quests make playing enjoyable and interesting. They can also sometimes be distractions from our primary objectives. Remember to focus and make sure there is time to honor the Main Quests, too, in a timely manner. If there are no deadlines, have fun on playing all the Side Quests your heart wants!

14. Crafting or buying items can help improve your gameplay. There is nothing wrong with getting buffed in the game. It can make playing more fun at times, and sometimes it’s more satisfying beating a level without buffs.

15. As you travel around maps and small towns, you will meet others who need your help. Heroes can do little things to help people feel grateful and safe. Over time, some of these people may even become your friends.

16. Heroes rest, eat, and heal. It’s important to check your life meter, energy bar, health status reports continually. Stopping to take breaks to rest, recharge energy, bandage to heal, take potions, and eat are important things to be your best hero self.

17. Some games don’t have to be played until the end. If you’re not enjoying yourself, it might be better to find another game to try. Some other games can be completed with the right research, practice, and time to develop new skills.

18. If you die in battle, you can start over at your last save point. This doesn’t translate directly IRL, however, we can note that difficult times in life come in waves or cycles. We have life lessons that may reappear and we conquer it here and there. Facing these life lessons may make us feel like we “died” a little, so remember you don’t have to start the game over from the beginning. You have a save point to reference from. All the information and strategies you’re developing will help you face the monster, defeat the dungeon each time.

19. If we failed a quest, didn’t finish with the best score or died in a boss fight, we can respawn and try again. Yes, life is not as easy where we can reset situations all the time. Games can help us build resiliency with losing, be in a challenge mindset (McGonigal, 2015), and bounce back more quickly from failures or unwanted outcomes. Try again!

20. We start life and gaming at level 1. With experience (XP) and time, we level up. The same is said for life in general, and any skills we want to shape or improve. Every skill in life has an XP bar with points to accumulate until you level up. Sometimes it’s a grind, and the DING you get when you level up from novice to intermediate, to advanced, is so rewarding. You put in work and see the efforts manifest!

Geek Therapists can reference a person’s fandoms to help inspire positive changes and personal growth. Exploring video games is one way to do it.

What else does being a hero in a video game teach us? Please share!

More content about Gaming by Boonie:

• Geek & Gamer Resource Page

• Thoughts on Video Games YouTube Playlist

• Video Games (part 1) Podcast episode

• Video Games (part II) Podcast episode

Reference:

• McGonigal, J. (2015). Super Better. Penguin Group.

Asynchronous Development in Gifted People

This image summarizes a common trait of gifted individuals: asynchronous development. We impart seemingly profound wisdoms and possess heightened skills in particular realms, and then we trip a lot. We bump into the kitchen counter often and forget where we left our keys. Everyday. We don't know how to tie our shoes, or have tantrums because we were interrupted during a preferred activity.

We like My Little Pony and trains obsessively, memorize random facts, and go on binges for information and trivia. Some of us can ace all the quizzes and master language arts and music, but struggle immensely in science or history. We can instill awe of the universe and possibility to our peers one moment, and be unable to read the social cues of when to speak in conversations at others.

We stim, and some of us hand flap. We many times get seen only for our cognitive strengths and denied our wholeness with our vulnerable, intense emotions, learning differences, and physical experiences.

"You're too smart to behave this way." "Why aren't you successful yet?" "Why are you acting like a baby when you just spoke about meta cognition and saving the oceans?"

This is a highly misunderstood part of being gifted because the term “gifted” sounds positive and perfect. Many people pair giftedness with pure genius and ease with learning. Due to this misperception of giftedness and high IQ, we have populations of children and adults who do not get their educational, social emotional, and behavioral needs met. The picture of a gifted person tends to be an ideal student, a high achiever. Because of this myth, many gifted people internalize this identify and push for perfection and mastery, which can lead to additional stress to perform or potentially minimizing one’s intelligence and achievement to negate the burdens of perfection.

According to National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) asynchronous development may be correlated and more common as IQ increases. This helps explain how many gifted children may have dysgraphia or a difficulty with writing in general. It’s not that they are lazy and don’t want to “try harder” to write, it may be physically painful or difficult to write because of their asynchronous development and poor fine motor skill development.

Highly gifted people do not have the perfect brain and body, but myths have perpetuated these damaging beliefs. We are not all savants who will save the world through tinkering away in a cave or our labs away from social interaction. Some of us will do normal, every day things, and nothing “special” will result. Many of us will be ordinary, and it will be by choice, or a consequence of not having our gifts nurtured.

Some considerations with Asynchronous Development in Gifted Individuals:

• Mental age refers to the intellectual capacity of a person at their current age. For instance, a 6-year-old child can have a mental age of 9 based on their intellectual performance, assessments, and scores compared to standardized, scaled scores of peers the same age. Mentally, a young person can appear older and wiser. We tend to pair high intelligence with responsibility and common sense.

• It’s important to remember children are children. Their life experiences are not as expansive and rich as an adult’s, even when their intellect may convince others to think otherwise. The myth is highly gifted children do not need guidance or support. They do. The wants to be nurtured, loved, and seen for all parts of who they are is as real as any other child. Sometimes gifted children are only praised for their wit or intellect, which leads to an imbalance or neglect of social emotional aspects of their being.

• We (adults, teachers, caregivers) may feel inferior when meeting a profoundly gifted child or adult. Questioning information, authority, or word usage may not be a sign of disrespect or a intentional disruption. rather, it may be a sign of curiosity, and wants to understand in-depth.

• Social age may refer to a person’s abilities to engage or process interpersonal exchanges that are typical for their age group. Gifted people tend to be seen as childlike, immature, and at the same time wise beyond their years. A gifted person’s social age may be dramatically lower than their mental or chronological age. This is very common in terms of asynchronous development.

• Many younger, gifted children have difficulty relating to their peers because their social age is lower than their mental age. This can lead to profound feelings of loneliness and isolation, and a widened gap in social emotional skills. This inability to relate to peers may guide gifted children to socialize with or prefer relationships with adults or older children.

• Chronological age is how old a person is. Highly gifted children tend to prefer interacting with others who are dramatically younger or older than they are. This discrepancy with mental age, chronological age, and social age accumulates to demystify myths on giftedness. The profile of a gifted person varies person to person, and this makes it a unique experience for each individual and family involved.

• Overexcitabilities coined by Kazimierz Dabrowski involves heightened ability to respond to stimuli. These areas include: Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual, Imaginational, and Emotional. Something educators and caregivers can offer gifted children is the opportunity to soothe/regulate during times of emotional overexcitability, as well as outlets for other realms of excitability. Not all gifted children possess overexcitabilities, but according to SENG it is observed to occur more often in the gifted population. This may overlap with the highly sensitive trait, as researched by Elaine Aron.

• The most common excitability paired with giftedness is emotional intensity where many gifted children and adults feel deeply for their moral codes and injustices that occur. It may seem dramatic or attention-seeking to observers, but is an important part of a person’s truth and purpose. This emotional intensity can present itself as shutting down, having tantrums or defending values when others disagree, or ranting about a social cause or interest. Book Recommendation: Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels PhD & Michael Piechowski PhD.

• Imposter Syndrome With myths of giftedness related to being perfect and not needing support, feeling like an imposter can develop when perfection is not met. When a highly gifted person has difficulty learning for the first time, or fails because they never learned how to ask for help, they can be frozen with imposter syndrome. They feel like a fraud. When the curriculum is too easy, gifted children are never challenged or taught to overcome hardships. When high school advanced courses or college-level work is expected, this may be the first times a gifted person is struggling. To struggle in late adolescence or early adulthood for the first time is a scary and unknown concept. Supporting the needs of the gifted includes preparation for stressful moments in life, asking for help, as well as learning how to accept lower marks with grace.

• (EDIT 11/2021) Chronological and Mental age have been identified as being ableist in the realms of neurodiversity affirmative practice. We have a ways to go with honoring and seeing people as they are, without functional labels. As the helping community learns and adapts to new information, so will I. Neurodivergent people continue to fight for their humanity and being paired with a capitalist view of productivity instead of innate humanity will take a toll on any person.

Please click on the video if you’d like to hear a ramble on asynchronous development in gifted children :)

Alternatives to Saying, "No," to Kids

In countless articles or survey results across the internet, are the topics of parenting, relationship success and conflict resolution. Some terms that continually show up in relation to these topics are: communication and how conflicts are resolved. I started thinking about my work with children and parents, my personal experiences, and how language can powerfully impact relationship outcomes and emotional events.

It is natural for people to argue. We have such different perspectives and experiences that shape how we see specific events and the usage of language in communication. Some of us may lean towards more rationale responses than others, and many of us may be considered sensitive or highly emotional. And in between, there is a range and shift in using emotion or logic depending on context. We respond differently, and when you put two or more people together, there is high change for misunderstandings or saying things that could hurt someone’s feelings.

This is the case especially for children, since their decision-making parts of their brain are not fully developed yet. It will take time and practice to shape a child’s brain and habits into being less reactive, and there are ways for adults to help.

So, what do we do about this? Since communication is such a broad topic, this blog will cover the usage of the word, “No,” negative comments, or declining suggestions by others. These examples can be used in parenting children, romantic partnerships, professional relationships, or other interactions you may have.

Please note that tone, body language, and volume also affect how someone interprets language. This list can be a starting point to take note of how we default in communication with people in our lives, and the possible, small steps we can take to improve outcomes.

Alternatives to Saying, “No,” “Don’t do that,” “Stop it,” etc.

For parents and caregivers when kids are being noisy, breaking rules, running around, or interrupting:

The automatic response might be to yell, “Stop doing that!” While this can get the attention and response of children, it may also make them feel bad for simply being energetic. A possible alternative could be:

• Give Options: Please find a toy or book to look at. I can help you find one in a little bit. I am busy right now. This way, the adult can control the options, but give a child a sense of autonomy to choose. This also gives a heightened responsibility to have alternative activities available for children to use. Sometimes there won’t be options, but with creative thinking, there could be an increase in finding options when possible.

• Redirect: When children don’t get their way, it can lead to a tantrum. Physically moving your child to another object/person of interest can help de-escalate situations quickly. (Is this something you do all the time? Probably not. However, redirection is very successful when time or safety is an issue.

• Be Specific: Children don’t always know what to do when they’re told to stop, or what exactly it is they need to stop doing. “Crayons go on paper,” is more specific than "Stop doing that.” It also gives the child a chance at being successful with their interests. Instead of “Stop running around the house!” saying “Feet are for walking in this house” or “Slow down, and choose a toy to play with” can help a child make a better choice.

• Identify Rules: Hands are not for hitting. How else can we use our hands? Using stuffed animals or family members can help a child repair a moment of chaos. When they bite or hit, offering a chance to show they know the rules can help pair this memory with positivity and success.

  • What is (item) used for? Show me where it goes when we’re done.

  • Who does this belong to? (Child answers) Let’s give it back to (person), or put it back.

• Identifying the Wants and Emotions of a Child: I see you really want that ice cream (activity) right now. You are so excited, but now upset/sad/angry. As the amygdala and limbic parts of the brain are more reactive with children, it will take time to develop an emotional vocabulary as well as self-soothing skills. Part of a parent’s job is to help give children this language and model how to cope with such big feelings. Naming emotions helps reduce limbic firing so a child can be more receptive to moving forward. Identifying the wants of a child can also make them feel important, even though they did not get what they wanted.

• Reasons or Consequences for Decisions: “If you eat ice cream before bed, you could have a tummy ache.” This may not eliminate a tantrum or tears, but it can slowly pair decisions with consequences. The more we use language to explain reasons for things, the greater the foundation a child may have to not make impulsive decisions, as well as see that adults are not “out to get” them, but have the best intentions for stopping a child from running across traffic or petting that nice alligator.

• Using Humor: Being playful and using humor can very much help soothe a child when they aren’t getting their way. Please note that some situations may not call for humor, for instance, death and serious themes of loss or pain. In general, toddlers and children can be more receptive following rules and quick changes implemented playfully.

  • “Stickers don’t go on the wall!” or “Toys don’t belong in the toilet!” in a playful way is less intense than yelling or reprimanding a child for being a child.

Note: If a child is doing something unsafe where there is no time to use this as a “learning moment”, there may be necessity to yell, “No!” or “Stop!” The volume and intensity of the words can make children freeze for an adult to gather, or more quickly responsive to get to a safe location. In these types of scenarios, there is no need to think about validating a child’s emotions or giving options of where to go. If there is danger, react accordingly and ensure kids are safe.

Is it expected to use these strategies all the time and never say, “No,” from now on? That’s impossible. Parenting is one of, if not, THE most difficult job on the planet. It’s filled with stress, and lots of people telling you to do this and that, and sometimes it’s thankless, and overwhelming. The joy and precious moments of raising a tiny human being into a whole person is worth it all, and yet, there is no one correct way to do it right. Please give these items a try, and if you say no here and there, you’re still being the best parent you can be for your child, and that’s all they could ever ask for.

Book Recommendations:

• The Whole Brain Child | Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

• Shameproof Parenting | Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

Catching Them When They're Good

Have you ever tried to change someone?

Have you said or heard the following?

“Why are you doing it like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re not listening!” “I’ve already shown you a million times!” “You’re so slow!” “You forgot to do X again. I ALWAYS have to remind you!” “I can’t depend on you for anything.” “I’ll just do it.”

It’s okay, many of us have been there, and it’s not always easy. It seems to be a thing that happens a lot, though. This idea that we know how someone should behave or change comes with the best intentions, and yet, it’s not taken this way. Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, classmates, lovers, or children, we tend to tell them how to change, where it comes off as a criticism or demand.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this where someone is telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and you end up feeling like a failure. It doesn’t feel good, and can even lead to feelings of resentment or deep sadness. There are good intentions, and yet the delivery is not working. The outcome is hurt feelings and conflict. The same thing can happen when we are trying to shape children in our lives. We know and see how the world is, and want to build skills for success.

So what do we do? We identify the things they are doing wrong. We knit-pick at how these things are incorrect and how they should be doing it. We end up doing it ourselves.

How does this affect a person?

It could lead to feelings of inferiority, a negative self-concept, or pairing negative emotions with “help.” Some people who were constantly told they were doing things wrong learn to distance themselves from asking or receiving help. This distrust of others may shape their world view; that it’s better to do things alone without the harsh criticisms of others.

Another possible outcome is those who were only given attention for “messing up” or being “bad” continually increased these types of behaviors in order to get attention. It is a repetitious cycle that can be difficult to change. Children who received attention when making mistakes or behaving negatively may internalize this identity of “being” bad and a failure which could carry into adulthood.

The above could be an extreme example, but I’ve come across some adults who’ve been impacted by early experiences where they have a difficult time trusting others because they are afraid of negative criticisms and being made fun of. This can especially be the case for those who are/have*:

*sensitive, Autistic, twice-exceptional (2e) gifted, gifted, ADHD, learning or auditory processing differences, delayed speech, invisible and visible conditions that affect mobility, cognition, or other bodily functions like chronic illness.

*An added layer to the physical body is inherited traumas, mental illness or conditions, unmet basic needs, systemic oppression, how accepted or safe they are at home, language or cultural barriers; some things that many people mask when attempting to overcome and thrive.

Are the above items things that affect each person we want to help? Maybe, maybe not. It can be a compassionate step to consider how someone is experiencing the world as we attempt to walk along their journeys and offer support towards change. This understanding may help with offering kindness, patience, and compassion for those who are having a harder time with being asked to change, even from someone who cares.

Catching Them When They’re Good (Dr. Robert Myers)

This phrase is from a child development course about a decade ago, and it’s helped me in professional settings and personal relationships. This is simply that: look for the positive and good, as difficult as it may be for certain people. Identify it with specific language and praise people.

Imagine a person where important figures in life only gave attention or talked to them when they made mistakes or behaved poorly. Moments of curiosity, goodness, or quiet were ignored.

Now, offer this person praise for doing something small, like opening the door for you, or helping clean up after dinner. Thank them and share gratitude for their presence. Being grateful for someone just for being alive! How novel~

I just spoke with someone who did not get praised growing up, and they responded by saying how “life-changing” it would be if their parents or any adults in their home gave them attention when they were trying to ask questions or do well in school. They noted how this early experience shaped a negative series of relationship exchanges where they act out and repeat this cycle of looking for the bad in others.

While this, again, is not the case for everyone, it is noted that early experiences and intense moments in life can and do shape the physical, emotional, and mental health of many of us. As children or adults, we may have the lens of looking for the negative in ourselves and others, even when we want to encourage positive changes.

Examples of praise, gratitude, and catching them when they’re good:

(Mixed examples for children, family, partners, friends, family)

• Thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone.

• I see you using your hands gently (for kiddos who need help being safe and gentle).

• I love it when you give me hugs just because.

• I appreciate the space you give when I’m upset, and you slowly checking in to see if I need anything.

• I really appreciated it when you washed the dishes for me yesterday.

• When I asked you to get ready for dinner, you did it so quickly.

• I really like it when you have your backpack ready in the morning so we’re not late or in a rush.

• Thank you for saving me a seat this morning.

• Nice work trying to brush your teeth!

• I saw how you tried really hard on your homework today.

• Thank you for listening to my problem and not trying to give advice right away. I know how solving problems is how you show care, and I see how you tried.

• I appreciated when you saved the last slice of pizza for me. It made me feel special.

• Thanks for getting me a coffee this morning!

• I LOVE how safely you’re playing with your toys right now!

• Thank you for sitting with me quietly while I figure out my problem. I needed time to sort things in my head and a bunch of questions would make me more frustrated.

Although these statements are a small start, it can lead to great changes. Starting small is tangible, more realistic, and easier. We can build on small successes to promote longer-lasting positive changes. :) Sometimes one positive statement can stay with a person for a lifetime. You never know if your words will change a person’s life.

Video Gaming: Mental Health Professionals Need to Understand it Better

Guest Post by Dr. Stephanie Haibloom

About a month ago I was at the annual APA convention being held this year in San Francisco, CA. While there I attended two seminars on video games and their impact on clients. The first seminar was titled “A Clinician’s Guide to Video Games, Social Media, and Other Developing Technologies for Kids and Families”. I was concerned that it was going to be all one-sided and discussing the “horrors” of video gaming and the detrimental effects on our clients due to video games. I was pleasantly surprised! The seminar was a very balanced view of video games and even pointed out the POSITIVE effects of video gaming on clients such as learning to schedule, stronger decision making abilities, positive social aspects, etc. They also discussed the ESRB ratings and making parents aware of them. It was a wonderful seminar and experience.

The second seminar titled “The Duality of Digital Technology-Its Impact on Social Interaction and Internet Addiction” was sadly the opposite of the previous panel. Their “research” was based on anecdotal data and one presenter went so far as to claim that video games cause obesity and rotten teeth in minors! I was appalled to say the least. In the first seminar the obesity issue was brought up and addressed by actual research that showed if gamers have a balance of exercise and gaming in their lives they have less risk of becoming obese. In essence, gaming does not make one obese, lack of exercise does.

“Gaming Disorder” WHO’s new “diagnosis” for gaming was discussed in both seminars. The main thrust of the discussions was: the “symptoms” are very vague and pathologize otherwise normal activities and behaviors. This “disorder” also stigmatizes an entire culture for basically existing! I liked the way the presenters in the first seminar explained the pathology of the “disorder”; if you have a person that loves golfing and he plays golf several times a week, for several hours each time with or without his friends, would he be considered addicted to golf? NO! He would be considered someone who enjoys his hobby/pastime and no one would pathologize him. So why are we pathologizing the entire gamer culture? It would better serve our clients if we as clinicians can become knowledgeable about this culture, teach the parents of our clients to understand the culture, and to stop stigmatizing others because of their hobbies and interests.

Dr. Stephanie Haibloom

Stephanie Haibloom, Psy.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Woodland Hills, CA. Dr. Haibloom sees clients from adolescents to adults and specializes in Video Gaming Issues, Depression and Anxiety. Dr. Haibloom is also a NAMA Certified Anger Management Specialist – I. Dr. Haibloom can be reached at 818-835-5198 or through her Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drstephaniehaibloom/ Dr. Haibloom’s favorite video games are the Phoenix Wright series, Cooking Mama, the Final Fantasy series, and the God of War series.

The Nature of Change

The nature of change is cyclical and natural

Sometimes I'm asked how many coaching sessions are needed before change happens.

This is a difficult question to answer.

Therapists and coaches can't answer this question accurately. Even if there are a limited amount of sessions because of financial constraints, or insurance (for therapy), there is no guarantee that change or any goals will be met. It's a risk and vulnerability to take that leap.

>>>Well, that sucks.

Yes, it does. It's uncomfortable not to have a clear timeline with how long it should take to get the results you're looking for. It can be frustrating having to pay for a service where "nothing is happening." This is where communication as a client, and having the openness and trust of the professional comes in. 

It is my job as your coach to instill hope and optimism for change.

It takes trust if we are to create change together. I have to earn your trust.

It's my job to gather information to see where we can start to work on the goals that you've identified as the client. This is a dynamic type of relationship. Sometimes we need to have trial and error. Sometimes we have to see where life is at the moment to see which skills or goals are the most foundational, or significant. It is my job to see how you learn or grow best, by asking questions, giving assignments, and observing. 

My job is to give evidence of change. This can come from practicing interventions, but also explaining them in a way that makes the most sense to you. I have to learn how to speak your language and honor your experiences. When you know I seek to understand and have a certain level of understanding of your world, there is a stronger connection for us to build on. 

To give ourselves permission to change slowly, think about how long we've been alive, and how long these behaviors have existed. This isn't an easy process, and it involves cycles of small changes and success. 

Baby steps & comparisons:

Many of us are guided by perfectionism or feelings of being an imposter. With these lingering thoughts of never being good enough, it makes sense that starting out with change doesn't seem like a big deal; it's not the finish line. We barely started and other people are closer to the goals than us. Why didn't we start earlier? Or if we've been doing this for years, how come it's taking so long? We can start sabotaging ourselves because it's been part of our lives for so long, and the discomforts of comparisons and imposter syndrome start to consume us.

Please, take this into consideration: 

You are your own person, with your own story. No one can know entirely what you've gone through, and no one can tell you how to live your life. When you are ready, you are ready.

Some of us make small changes over large time spans. Some of us can change over night. We each have different circumstances and motivations, and access to support with change. These factors make it nearly impossible to compare our stories with others'. Change can be an uncomfortable process. Baby steps are to be celebrated. 

What if we get stuck or go backwards?

It's probably going to happen. If you look back on your attempts and successes with change in the past, maybe you've noticed when things made it difficult for you to maintain healthier or more positive types of behaviors. A common factor is stress or sudden changes in life. When we're really stressed out, we tend to gravitate towards comfort and past habits, even if we know they're not the best for us. We sometimes pair using our default patterns as failing. And that's the message we get from the greater culture. We get told we have to be perfect. We have to get it done 100% or it's considered a failure. 

That's not realistic. That's not fair. And, it's not being a human being. We make mistakes, and we have hardships with maintaining change all the time. That's the reality of being a human being. We are going to slip up, and default to our old ways every now and then. That's where a skilled coach can come in (a therapist if we are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns) to educate and support you through these stages of change, because ambivalence and maintenance part of it. 

Being stuck is very common, and having this "stuckness" honored can actually create momentum to move forward. Many times people have their own agendas for how someone else is supposed to live, and instead of supporting change through encouragement, resistance is created by telling people to do stuff when it's not the right time to do so. 

Will other people see your change as quickly as you do?

This is complicated, too. Imagine having to work through changes in how confidently you feel about an area of life. These are internal changes that may or may not be large physical changes in your life. Some people may be more attuned with your habits or mannerisms, and can more quickly notice your changes or process of change. Other people can have their own barriers with seeing change. 

This is an added layer of systems psychology and maintaining change: It is one thing to start changing as an individual. It is another difficult layer to maintain change around others who may have sabotaged you, or expected a certain role (types of behaviors) from you in the past. Some people don't want to see the changes you've worked hard on. They want to pick and choose what they see, so they might try to sabotage or dismiss things. This is where habit, changes in environment (people, places, etc) can help maintain the positive changes you've worked so hard on. 

Open communication about these environmental factors  can help your coach or therapist with offering guidance or asking questions about how to prepare for these situations. Tools and education can be offered with how to create a layer of protection between you and negativity or sabotage you may face. 

Our relationship is the most important factor with change. 

I hope that my role is to be a guide, teacher, and resource. I can see your strengths, and hopefully, we can get to a place where you can see them, too. This involves hope, education, practice, and working through the ups and downs of building new habits. Coaching is interactive; I value and expect openness to discuss. We can talk about your thoughts on the pace of change, roadblocks, small victories, and any areas we need to focus on. 

Each one us of has a different relationship with change. It can be really scary doing this alone. It is scary for me at times, too. Changing and transitioning during parts of my life, I thought being alone was the brave thing to do. I was wrong. Having a mentor, or even friends to check in made the process easier. Knowing this, I hope to honor the unique situations each person has and walk with them on their journeys of change. 

We can work together to meet larger goals by having smaller successes over time. These deserve to be celebrated and witnessed.

Boonie (949)381-1894  |  organizedmesses@gmail.com

11/2021 I am currently taking waitlist and giving referrals for coaching and therapy.

YouTube Videos:

• Adjusting to Change

• Bowen Family Systems: Homeostasis & Change

Links to mental health resources:

• OC Shrinks

• Referrals on Organized Messes

• Community Resources/Hotlines

Letter to My Young, Highly Sensitive Self

Letter to my young, highly sensitive self

Dear Young, Highly Sensitive Person,

The world is hard for you right now, and you have more questions and emotions than answers. The people around you may not understand, and they feel overwhelmed for you and your future. They are concerned. They wonder if the world will break you and that beautiful heart of yours.

Everything feels so much; everything is so much for someone so young.

You wonder why you were born to feel and think about the world on such a larger scale. It is intense, confusing, and frustrating. People call you a crybaby, or sensitive as if it's a bad thing. People start treating you differently or targeting you because they think that's how sensitive people are supposed to be treated, like targets. You hide from the world because it's easier than being hurt, misunderstood, or overwhelmed. It's easier than trying to explain and being shamed for being different. You start to distrust people and their intentions. You wonder if it will always be this way.

Is this a gift or a curse? Why me?

You wonder why other people don't want to talk to you about changing the world.  You wonder why you hear, smell, or physically feel things other people don't. You wonder if you're exaggerating because other people don't experience the world this way. They tell you how the world is. Then again, you are only 8 years old, or 10, or 16. You're just a kid. 

You are just a kid, AND you see something more in this world. You see purpose, you live compassion, and you breathe possibility. There is more to you, young one. I see it in you, and I will support and nurture you now. 

• I will honor and protect your innocence by having boundaries.

• I will learn more about sensitivities and when our thresholds are being met.

• I will make time to play and create: the most important ways of nurturing a sensitive soul.

• I will find our tribe, reach out, and practice embracing our authenticity more often.

• We will share our sensitive strengths with others.

• We will write, speak, and share on this journey because it is something to connect others with, it is not to be ashamed of.

• We will be realistic about how much we can do every day. Each person is different. We can grow in our own ways, not comparing ourselves to unattainable ideals.

• We will learn to embrace our sensitive self while building a thicker armor to live in a world that can be harsh at times.

The journey is tumultuous, and I am thankful to be here to grow with you now. It was worth every effort to nurture you so far.

Boonie