Cleaning & Decluttering Tips for Smart & Scattered People (ENFP, INFP, INTP, ENTP, ESTP, ISTP, ISFP, ESFP, Neurodivergent)

September 22, 2020 Boonie Sripom

Tips from fellow ENFP, Tia Nicole, daughter of a professional organizer

As a fellow ENFP who’s mother was a personal organizer for years let me help.

1. Grab large trash bags. One for trash ,one for give away

2.Make your bed

3. Throw all clothes on it. Hang up clean, throw laundry in hamper. Once clothing is put away remove hamper from room if possible.

4. Start throwing things away. Trash, bring any plates/ cups to kitchen.

5. If anything in the room belongs somewhere else in the house do that next.

6. Set a timer and take a break, no more than 20 minutes, drink some water and relax.

7. Get a bin or bag or someone to put the “I don’t know where this goes” start placing the random items in it. Things that you need but don’t have a home for. We will find a place for it later.

8. Start putting the things away that you do know where they go. Books on the shelf ect.

9. Your bed should still be made a clear, start using it for piles. Pick 2 or 3 catalogs to start with. Like papers, hobbies ect.

10. Keeps paper near by to write down what you need storage wise.

11. Start putting things in that give away bag. If you haven’t touched it in over a year and don’t see a use for it give it away.

Once everting is put away get that random bag and find a place for it.

Tips. Start in the morning, a good room organization can take all day, don’t start at 8pm, you will get tired and lose motivation.

Once it is all clean and organized keep it clean but spending 15 minutes at night putting everything away.

Good luck

Readiness for Change (With Therapists, Coaches, & Other Healers)

March 22, 2020 Boonie Sripom

Change is a Gradual, inconsistent process.

When we’re looking for a healer, it may feel like it’s not the right timing, or “they didn’t do anything.” Our individual readiness for change as well as the professional relationship are very important factors in determining when and how change occurs.

Change is a process and involves countless variables. In order for HSPs, Neurodiverse, Emotionally Intense, or differently wired people to feel preparared to change, sometimes an additional stage of seed planting is involved. And this stage is about being accepted, understood, given space to be intense while sorting things out. Sometimes "nothing happens" in therapy or with a coach because a client's readiness for change is premature. Working with and being okay with "not doing anything" is part of motivational interviewing, a skillset that is heavily used in coaching, therapy, and addiction treatment. People deserve to be seen as they are, and when we have an agenda to "hurry up" and change, it can make it more difficult to maintain, it can actually lead to prolonged resistance of floating, or choosing something for the sake of taking action.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

There are 5 stages of change that we bounce around with. Understanding the cerebral, emotional parts of deciding to make change is as important as the “action phases” of change.
If a healer is pushing their own agenda, this can cause resistance and additional “stuckness” or regression.
Part of change is being seen for your circumstances, choices, outcome possibilities, and being okay with not being forced to make a decision.
Planting seeds and going at YOUR PACE is an essential skill for a healer to support effective change.
Differently wired, sensitive, and creative people may need additional time and compassion to be seen before they can take develop faith to take leaps into the unknown.
As always, therapists work with mental health conditions, so they are best prepared to help in this realm of life, as well as other areas of focus or specialty.
Coaches can help with personal development, can screen for mental health needs, and make appropriate referrals as needed. Coaches may touch a person’s history, but the primary focus is on the present with short-term goals using motivational interviewing and additional methods. I use archetypes and typology systems while teaching clients about the stages of change with a therapy-informed lens.

Acknowledge stuckness and your readiness for change. A good-fit healer can help honor this with you. I am a life coach and would love to help you with any short term goals you may have. Relationships, career, life planning, please contact me to see how I can help. organizedmesses@gmail.com

What Being a Hero in Video Games Teaches Us

January 1, 2020 Boonie Sripom

There are bosses and monsters to fight, and sometimes we can do this on our own, find allies along the way, and team up with others. Battling external or internal monsters in our lives can be a daunting task. The great thing about being a hero is that there is the option of going at it alone, or taking a few players with you.
In teams, different skills are used by different people. You are not expected to be the best at everything. Some people are generalists or hybrids, useful for many skills. Some fights need high agility or fire spells when you only have agility. A teammate with strong fire skills can battle with you.
If you put all your points in one talent/talent tree, you are excellent for facing specific situations. Be mindful of your strengths, and when someone else may be better suited for this fight. It doesn’t mean you are useless. It means not everyone can do everything exceptionally well.
Some games can be beaten or mastered in a day. Others take weeks or months to understand. Patience and information gathering is a virtue of a Hero. Practice new skills, and be okay with saving the game for another day. It will still be there when you’re more prepared.
Other heroes know the fights better than you. Seek mentorship and advice. Online tutorials are your friend. If and when you get stuck, there is nothing wrong with asking the online community for help, and watching videos on how other people overcame challenging parts. If it’s difficult for you, chances are it’s difficult for someone else.
As you journey you will face enemies; sometimes they are big, but most of the time they are small. You always have the option to run away or avoid the fight in the first place. You can keep gaining XP and skills to come back to the bigger bosses later.
Sometimes levels are easy, and sometimes they’re hard!
Heroes need armor and protection. As you quest and meet others, you will benefit from upgrading your armor and tools. The better the tool for the job, the more efficient your outcome. And sometimes, a really really good weapon is overkill for the fight.
Elixirs can help give you abilities and resistance. Medicine is important to cure ailments or we cannot continue our Hero’s Journey.
Being Brave: even if you are scared, because many times it is scary venturing into unknown lands and facing big monsters, you do it anyway!
Sometimes heroes need help. It’s important to know a Hero isn’t someone who can do things alone. There is always a series of helpers along the story and game. The people who you surround yourself with reflect how strong you are. If you need to be surrounded by better people, search for them. Online communities can help build a stronger community if we choose the right people.
You start off as a noob, then you become a pro, and god once you master the game. This is especially important to remember for those starting something new, or shaping a craft that isn’t naturally easy. If it makes you happy, is something you wish to improve and focus on, remember that we each started off as noobs. And sometimes we stay noobs. Not everyone is pro at everything.
As in Life and video games, we have the Main Quests and Side Quests. The side quests make playing enjoyable and interesting. They can also sometimes be distractions from our primary objectives. Remember to focus and make sure there is time to honor the Main Quests, too, in a timely manner. If there are no deadlines, have fun on playing all the Side Quests your heart wants!
Crafting or buying items can help improve your gameplay. There is nothing wrong with getting buffed in the game. It can make playing more fun at times, and sometimes it’s more satisfying beating a level without buffs.
As you travel around maps and small towns, you will meet others who need your help. Heroes can do little things to help people feel grateful and safe. Over time, some of these people may even become your friends.
Heroes rest, eat, and heal. It’s important to check your life meter, energy bar, health status reports continually. Stopping to take breaks to rest, recharge energy, bandage to heal, take potions, and eat are important things to be your best hero self.
Some games don’t have to be played until the end. If you’re not enjoying yourself, it might be better to find another game to try. Some other games can be completed with the right research, practice, and time to develop new skills.
If you die in battle, you can start over at your last save point. This doesn’t translate directly IRL, however, we can note that difficult times in life come in waves or cycles. We have life lessons that may reappear and we conquer it here and there. Facing these life lessons may make us feel like we “died” a little, so remember you don’t have to start the game over from the beginning. You have a save point to reference from. All the information and strategies you’re developing will help you face the monster, defeat the dungeon each time.
If we failed a quest, didn’t finish with the best score or died in a boss fight, we can respawn and try again. Yes, life is not as easy where we can reset situations all the time. Games can help us build resiliency with losing, be in a challenge mindset (McGonigal, 2015), and bounce back more quickly from failures or unwanted outcomes. Try again!
We start life and gaming at level 1. With experience (XP) and time, we level up. The same is said for life in general, and any skills we want to shape or improve. Every skill in life has an XP bar with points to accumulate until you level up. Sometimes it’s a grind, and the DING you get when you level up from novice to intermediate, to advanced, is so rewarding. You put in work and see the efforts manifest!

Geek Therapists can reference a person’s fandoms to help inspire positive changes and personal growth. Exploring video games is one way to do it.

What else does being a hero in a video game teach us? Please share!

Alternatives to Saying, "No," to Kids

February 1, 2019 Boonie Sripom

In countless articles or survey results across the internet, are the topics of parenting, relationship success and conflict resolution. Some terms that continually show up in relation to these topics are: communication and how conflicts are resolved. I started thinking about my work with children and parents, my personal experiences, and how language can powerfully impact relationship outcomes and emotional events.

It is natural for people to argue. We have such different perspectives and experiences that shape how we see specific events and the usage of language in communication. Some of us may lean towards more rationale responses than others, and many of us may be considered sensitive or highly emotional. And in between, there is a range and shift in using emotion or logic depending on context. We respond differently, and when you put two or more people together, there is high change for misunderstandings or saying things that could hurt someone’s feelings.

This is the case especially for children, since their decision-making parts of their brain are not fully developed yet. It will take time and practice to shape a child’s brain and habits into being less reactive, and there are ways for adults to help.

So, what do we do about this? Since communication is such a broad topic, this blog will cover the usage of the word, “No,” negative comments, or declining suggestions by others. These examples can be used in parenting children, romantic partnerships, professional relationships, or other interactions you may have.

Please note that tone, body language, and volume also affect how someone interprets language. This list can be a starting point to take note of how we default in communication with people in our lives, and the possible, small steps we can take to improve outcomes.

Alternatives to Saying, “No,” “Don’t do that,” “Stop it,” etc.

For parents and caregivers when kids are being noisy, breaking rules, running around, or interrupting:

The automatic response might be to yell, “Stop doing that!” While this can get the attention and response of children, it may also make them feel bad for simply being energetic. A possible alternative could be:

Give Options: Please find a toy or book to look at. I can help you find one in a little bit. I am busy right now. This way, the adult can control the options, but give a child a sense of autonomy to choose. This also gives a heightened responsibility to have alternative activities available for children to use. Sometimes there won’t be options, but with creative thinking, there could be an increase in finding options when possible.
Redirect: When children don’t get their way, it can lead to a tantrum. Physically moving your child to another object/person of interest can help de-escalate situations quickly. (Is this something you do all the time? Probably not. However, redirection is very successful when time or safety is an issue.
Be Specific: Children don’t always know what to do when they’re told to stop, or what exactly it is they need to stop doing. “Crayons go on paper,” is more specific than "Stop doing that.” It also gives the child a chance at being successful with their interests. Instead of “Stop running around the house!” saying “Feet are for walking in this house” or “Slow down, and choose a toy to play with” can help a child make a better choice.
Identify Rules: Hands are not for hitting. How else can we use our hands? Using stuffed animals or family members can help a child repair a moment of chaos. When they bite or hit, offering a chance to show they know the rules can help pair this memory with positivity and success.
- What is (item) used for? Show me where it goes when we’re done.
- Who does this belong to? (Child answers) Let’s give it back to (person), or put it back.
Identifying the Wants and Emotions of a Child: I see you really want that ice cream (activity) right now. You are so excited, but now upset/sad/angry. As the amygdala and limbic parts of the brain are more reactive with children, it will take time to develop an emotional vocabulary as well as self-soothing skills. Part of a parent’s job is to help give children this language and model how to cope with such big feelings. Naming emotions helps reduce limbic firing so a child can be more receptive to moving forward. Identifying the wants of a child can also make them feel important, even though they did not get what they wanted.
Reasons or Consequences for Decisions: “If you eat ice cream before bed, you could have a tummy ache.” This may not eliminate a tantrum or tears, but it can slowly pair decisions with consequences. The more we use language to explain reasons for things, the greater the foundation a child may have to not make impulsive decisions, as well as see that adults are not “out to get” them, but have the best intentions for stopping a child from running across traffic or petting that nice alligator.
Using Humor: Being playful and using humor can very much help soothe a child when they aren’t getting their way. Please note that some situations may not call for humor, for instance, death and serious themes of loss or pain. In general, toddlers and children can be more receptive following rules and quick changes implemented playfully.
- “Stickers don’t go on the wall!” or “Toys don’t belong in the toilet!” in a playful way is less intense than yelling or reprimanding a child for being a child.

Note: If a child is doing something unsafe where there is no time to use this as a “learning moment”, there may be necessity to yell, “No!” or “Stop!” The volume and intensity of the words can make children freeze for an adult to gather, or more quickly responsive to get to a safe location. In these types of scenarios, there is no need to think about validating a child’s emotions or giving options of where to go. If there is danger, react accordingly and ensure kids are safe.

Is it expected to use these strategies all the time and never say, “No,” from now on? That’s impossible. Parenting is one of, if not, THE most difficult job on the planet. It’s filled with stress, and lots of people telling you to do this and that, and sometimes it’s thankless, and overwhelming. The joy and precious moments of raising a tiny human being into a whole person is worth it all, and yet, there is no one correct way to do it right. Please give these items a try, and if you say no here and there, you’re still being the best parent you can be for your child, and that’s all they could ever ask for.

Book Recommendations:

The Whole Brain Child | Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
Shameproof Parenting | Mercedes Samudio, LCSW

Catching Them When They're Good

January 28, 2019 Boonie Sripom

Have you ever tried to change someone?

Have you said or heard the following?

“Why are you doing it like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re not listening!” “I’ve already shown you a million times!” “You’re so slow!” “You forgot to do X again. I ALWAYS have to remind you!” “I can’t depend on you for anything.” “I’ll just do it.”

It’s okay, many of us have been there, and it’s not always easy. It seems to be a thing that happens a lot, though. This idea that we know how someone should behave or change comes with the best intentions, and yet, it’s not taken this way. Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, classmates, lovers, or children, we tend to tell them how to change, where it comes off as a criticism or demand.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this where someone is telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and you end up feeling like a failure. It doesn’t feel good, and can even lead to feelings of resentment or deep sadness. There are good intentions, and yet the delivery is not working. The outcome is hurt feelings and conflict. The same thing can happen when we are trying to shape children in our lives. We know and see how the world is, and want to build skills for success.

So what do we do? We identify the things they are doing wrong. We knit-pick at how these things are incorrect and how they should be doing it. We end up doing it ourselves.

How does this affect a person?

It could lead to feelings of inferiority, a negative self-concept, or pairing negative emotions with “help.” Some people who were constantly told they were doing things wrong learn to distance themselves from asking or receiving help. This distrust of others may shape their world view; that it’s better to do things alone without the harsh criticisms of others.

Another possible outcome is those who were only given attention for “messing up” or being “bad” continually increased these types of behaviors in order to get attention. It is a repetitious cycle that can be difficult to change. Children who received attention when making mistakes or behaving negatively may internalize this identity of “being” bad and a failure which could carry into adulthood.

The above could be an extreme example, but I’ve come across some adults who’ve been impacted by early experiences where they have a difficult time trusting others because they are afraid of negative criticisms and being made fun of. This can especially be the case for those who are/have*:

*sensitive, Autistic, twice-exceptional (2e) gifted, gifted, ADHD, learning or auditory processing differences, delayed speech, invisible and visible conditions that affect mobility, cognition, or other bodily functions like chronic illness.

*An added layer to the physical body is inherited traumas, mental illness or conditions, unmet basic needs, systemic oppression, how accepted or safe they are at home, language or cultural barriers; some things that many people mask when attempting to overcome and thrive.

Are the above items things that affect each person we want to help? Maybe, maybe not. It can be a compassionate step to consider how someone is experiencing the world as we attempt to walk along their journeys and offer support towards change. This understanding may help with offering kindness, patience, and compassion for those who are having a harder time with being asked to change, even from someone who cares.

Catching Them When They’re Good (Dr. Robert Myers)

This phrase is from a child development course about a decade ago, and it’s helped me in professional settings and personal relationships. This is simply that: look for the positive and good, as difficult as it may be for certain people. Identify it with specific language and praise people.

Imagine a person where important figures in life only gave attention or talked to them when they made mistakes or behaved poorly. Moments of curiosity, goodness, or quiet were ignored.

Now, offer this person praise for doing something small, like opening the door for you, or helping clean up after dinner. Thank them and share gratitude for their presence. Being grateful for someone just for being alive! How novel~

I just spoke with someone who did not get praised growing up, and they responded by saying how “life-changing” it would be if their parents or any adults in their home gave them attention when they were trying to ask questions or do well in school. They noted how this early experience shaped a negative series of relationship exchanges where they act out and repeat this cycle of looking for the bad in others.

While this, again, is not the case for everyone, it is noted that early experiences and intense moments in life can and do shape the physical, emotional, and mental health of many of us. As children or adults, we may have the lens of looking for the negative in ourselves and others, even when we want to encourage positive changes.

Examples of praise, gratitude, and catching them when they’re good:

(Mixed examples for children, family, partners, friends, family)

Thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone.
I see you using your hands gently (for kiddos who need help being safe and gentle).
I love it when you give me hugs just because.
I appreciate the space you give when I’m upset, and you slowly checking in to see if I need anything.
I really appreciated it when you washed the dishes for me yesterday.
When I asked you to get ready for dinner, you did it so quickly.
I really like it when you have your backpack ready in the morning so we’re not late or in a rush.
Thank you for saving me a seat this morning.
Nice work trying to brush your teeth!
I saw how you tried really hard on your homework today.
Thank you for listening to my problem and not trying to give advice right away. I know how solving problems is how you show care, and I see how you tried.
I appreciated when you saved the last slice of pizza for me. It made me feel special.
Thanks for getting me a coffee this morning!
I LOVE how safely you’re playing with your toys right now!
Thank you for sitting with me quietly while I figure out my problem. I needed time to sort things in my head and a bunch of questions would make me more frustrated.

Although these statements are a small start, it can lead to great changes. Starting small is tangible, more realistic, and easier. We can build on small successes to promote longer-lasting positive changes. :) Sometimes one positive statement can stay with a person for a lifetime. You never know if your words will change a person’s life.

7 Traits of an Influential Leader

January 19, 2019 Boonie Sripom

When you think of leadership, certain words and images come to mind. A traditional view of leadership may tend to lean towards powerful, charming, and high-achieving individuals. As these are important, tangible qualities an influential leader possesses, there are also intangible, soft skills-based traits that are as equally important for supporting a team or organization successfully. Here are 7 traits of an influential leader (more will be added on the next blog post):

1) Creativity

Organizations and teams will come across problems and lulls in production. It is during these times that thinking about possibility and outcomes can build momentum for growth. Seeing how a project or company can remain relevant or get unstuck requires a visionary to say, “How about this?” or “Let’s try something different.” When a leader proposes something unique with confidence, people are willing to believe in giving it their all, and it shows. Companies like Apple and Google can inspire employees and consumers to believe in the brand because their leaders possessed the creative confidence to guide a generation to “think different.”

2) Conflict Resolution

Just as our personal relationships have conflicts, so do our work relationships. It is common, and many times there is a protocol to follow where leaders or managers are asked to help resolve conflict. This is difficult because one party may feel more favored than the other. Mediation and coaching may be needed. What is there to do to ensure team members feel heard and respected? Conflict resolution skills involve respectfully hearing and modeling how to communicate with someone who may or may not have similar values or intentions. It requires active listening, patience, and willingness to troubleshoot solutions, even if you think your answer is the “best.” Without successful conflict resolution skills, a team can deteriorate where there is no focus on goals or a larger mission.

3) Adaptability

Leaders tend to have worked in diverse fields and positions. They’ve been in multiple roles that developed a range of skills and perspectives. This ability to see a company or roles from the bottom-up and across disciplines is a huge asset. When speaking with team members about tasks and where a company may potentially go, adaptable leaders know when to increase or decrease their engagement or facilitate team participation. An adaptable leader is not too proud to work in a “lower” position or task, rather, they have humility to do what is needed to get the job done.

Change is constant, and employees or teammates look to leaders on how to respond. If a positive or negative change occurs, how a leader responds ripples across the group which can create confidence or fear. The morale of a group is an important factor with how it can overcome difficult times and thrive. People want to know if their jobs or organization will make it through hardships and leaders are looked to for guidance and strength.

4) Accountability

We make mistakes. Leaders make mistakes. They may say things that were misinterpreted, or caused additional problems. An influential leader apologizes and takes responsibility for their actions and words. In addition to apologizing is staying away from blame. It is a difficult thing to say, “I’m sorry,” but it is also very powerful in developing and maintaining respect with people you work with. It can go a long way to identify mistakes, apologize, and figure out ways to prevent it from happening again.

5) Communication

Communication is very general, but encompasses vital skills for teammates to accomplish goals. If a task is poorly explained, it could fail and lead to additional problems, or low morale. People want to feel competent, but vague descriptions or a lack of explanation can make many feel unsure about what is being asked. Some ways of being an effective communicator:

Clear language
Concise statements describing tasks
Examples for others to reference
Being open to questions to verify understanding
Using multiple communication methods to reach teammates and diverse learning styles (text, visual, hands-on, presentations, video, small chunks of information, outlines)
Checking-in, but not micromanaging
Listening and confirming the experience of individuals
1:1 and group meetings to instill motivation or ensure cohesive understanding of goals
Praise for efforts and successes
Appropriate tone, body language, and facial expressions

6) Delegation

Teams need different roles to thrive. If a big-picture thinker is being paired with a rote, repetitive task lacking creative expression, it might not be the best way for them to feel successful or contribute to a team. Leaders can and do see the beauty of diverse gifts and talents within a group. They will learn about the motivations and unique skills each teammate has, and assign tasks that highlight these skills. This can make team members feel more valued and seen for their unique talents.

In addition to delegating tasks, a leader must be able to picture the individual steps and identify procedural descriptions in a way that is clear for others to understand. When tasks are assigned and described well, a team is able to get the job done more easily. A team may have a difference of opinion in terms of work flow, timelines, and priority tasks, so a leader must instill confidence that the tasks given are what need to be done in order to move forward.

7) Motivation

Motivation is huge. Individuals who are encouraged and believed in will work diligently towards the collective goals and core values of a team. Feeling like you are part of something bigger makes the difference between someone who is working because they have to versus someone who works because they want to. Wanting to be at work increases productivity and effort. It can also boost morale and trouble shooting when things get tricky. Some ways to motivate teammates:

Praise efforts, recognize accomplishments individually and as a group
Having fun, group events, not always being serious
Encourage members to ask for help or feedback
Model skills to develop
Seeing which teammates prefer guidance or more autonomy with tasks
Asking for suggestions, having regular meetings where people feel valued

To my younger readers, non-working professional visitors, students, and creatives, please consider how these traits can be applied in different scenarios in your lives. Leadership does not have to be the goal for adopting new or using these existing skills. Interpersonal relationships can also heal and thrive with the usage of many of these soft skills. If you would like to practice developing such skills, a coach or therapist can help on this path.

I am happy to chat on which services would better fit your needs at the moment. 949-381-1894 or organizedmesses@gmail.com

The Enneagram (guest blog by Christine Tomasello, M.S.)

July 21, 2018 Boonie Sripom

The Enneagram, guest post by Christine Tomasello, M.S.

I used to feel like something was wrong with me. I felt weird, broken, and damaged, which led to me to also feel isolated and unworthy of love. Little did I know that I was not the only person in the world feeling this way. As I got older, I learned that these are very common feelings that tons of people feel everyday. I also learned that there was a reason why I felt so unworthy for most of my life. At some point, I was introduced to something called the Enneagram and let me tell you… it changed my life.

Hi, I’m Christine and I’m a Two on the Enneagram.

What is the Enneagram?

The Wisdom of the Enneagram, my Enneagram bible, defines the Enneagram as, “a geometric figure that maps out the nine fundamental personality types of human nature and their complex interrelationships.” Essentially, it’s a personality system that identifies 9 distinct personality types and the core needs of each type. Though we have all 9 types within us, we are born with one type as our most dominant. Our dominant personality type functions as our internal operating system – it acts as the lens we see the world through and motivates our thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Have you ever wondered why you have certain relationship patterns or what makes you drawn to certain things in life? Why do you thrive on structure and stability… or why do you hate structure and stability? Well, the Enneagram gets to the heart of why we are the way we are.

Basic Desires and Basic Fears… We All Got ‘Em

The Enneagram is build on the core needs of each type – it identifies the basic desire (what we want in our heart of hearts) and the basic fear (what we’re most afraid of in the world) for each type.

When I learned that I was a Two, which is called The Helper, I learned that feeling connected to other people is my biggest desire and that being unlovable is my biggest fear. Suddenly, I understood what made me tick. This knowledge helped me see why relationships are so important to me, why I feel good about myself when I can help people, and why I can lose myself trying to get people to like me if I’m not careful.

A Spectrum of Behavior

One of my favorite things about the Enneagram is that it talks about behavior on a spectrum. In the Enneagram world, each type has typical behaviors that exist on a spectrum from Healthy → Average → Unhealthy. This means that our behavior – how we choose to show up in the world – isn’t a black and white issue. It’s not a matter of “good or bad”, but more a question of, “How healthy is it?”

I like this idea of the Health → Average → Unhealthy spectrum because it can help us have compassion and grace for ourselves. It’s not uncommon to slide up and down the spectrum on a daily basis. When we act in a way we’re not proud of, rather than believe it’s because we’re a bad person, we can recognize that perhaps we were in the lower-average or unhealthy part of the spectrum. And then we can figure out what we need to do to move up to the higher-average or healthy part.

Learning About Ourselves… and About Others

A lot of people take issue with any personality assessment because they don’t like to be labeled or put in a box. I can see that perspective, but I also offer another way to look at it. The Enneagram (and any personality tool, really) is designed to give you maximum self-awareness. It takes you on a deep dive into self-inquiry and introspection to help you really (really) understand yourself. It also helps you learn about other people in your life.

The 9 personality types are all very different, which tells us that there are 9 distinct ways to conceptualize the world. Once you understand the different types and know what makes a Six different from a Seven, or why a One might have some challenges with rigidity, or that a Nine may avoid conflict at all cost, then you can start to understand what makes other people tick. When you understand what makes them tick, you can have greater empathy and deeper compassion for them. You’re less likely to judge or dismiss them when they disagree with you. And most importantly, you can hold space for them to be who they truly are underneath the limiting beliefs of their basic fear, especially when they’ve slid down to the Unhealthy part of the spectrum!

The Essence of the Enneagram

The essence of the Enneagram isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you know yourself better. By knowing your type, you can better understand what makes you tick, become more aware of the automatic reactions that might get you into trouble sometimes, and learn why you have certain patterns in your life.

Russ Hudson from The Enneagram Institute once said, “Your Enneagram is what shows up when you don’t.” What he meant by this was that our Enneagram type – good, bad, and otherwise – is who we are when we live life on auto-pilot. When we dive in to truly understand who we are and how we operate, we empower ourselves with self-awareness and gain access to choice, giving us the freedom to live our life in an intentional, authentic, and purposeful way.

This blog post offers a simple breakdown of the basics of the Enneagram, which I like to call Enneagram 101. If you’re interested in learning more about the Enneagram, reach out to me and let’s find some time to talk. If you want to find out your Enneagram type, click here to visit the Enneagram Institute’s testing center.

(Disclaimer: of course, you shouldn’t just guess someone’s type because we can’t know the internal operating system of someone else. It’s important that they take the test or define it for themselves. But when you do know someone’s dominant type, you can use that information to relate better to them.)

Christine Tomasello, M.S. is on a mission to spread the word of the Enneagram far and wide. She is a woman of many roles, wearing the hats of Coach, Consultant, Writer, and Therapist (Associate MFT, to be exact). Christine calls herself “the accidental entrepreneur” and “a recovering pessimist”, and is a proud INFP and Type Two on the Enneagram. Christine is based in San Diego, CA and works locally and virtually. You can learn more about Christine and her services at www.enneagramconsulting.com, www.leadershipfortherapists.com, and www.ghostwritingforhelpers.com.

The Nature of Change

May 26, 2018 Boonie Sripom

Sometimes I'm asked how many coaching sessions are needed before change happens.

This is a difficult question to answer.

Therapists and coaches can't answer this question accurately. Even if there are a limited amount of sessions because of financial constraints, or insurance (for therapy), there is no guarantee that change or any goals will be met. It's a risk and vulnerability to take that leap.

>>>Well, that sucks.

Yes, it does. It's uncomfortable not to have a clear timeline with how long it should take to get the results you're looking for. It can be frustrating having to pay for a service where "nothing is happening." This is where communication as a client, and having the openness and trust of the professional comes in.

It is my job as your coach to instill hope and optimism for change.

It takes trust if we are to create change together. I have to earn your trust.

It's my job to gather information to see where we can start to work on the goals that you've identified as the client. This is a dynamic type of relationship. Sometimes we need to have trial and error. Sometimes we have to see where life is at the moment to see which skills or goals are the most foundational, or significant. It is my job to see how you learn or grow best, by asking questions, giving assignments, and observing.

My job is to give evidence of change. This can come from practicing interventions, but also explaining them in a way that makes the most sense to you. I have to learn how to speak your language and honor your experiences. When you know I seek to understand and have a certain level of understanding of your world, there is a stronger connection for us to build on.

To give ourselves permission to change slowly, think about how long we've been alive, and how long these behaviors have existed. This isn't an easy process, and it involves cycles of small changes and success.

Baby steps & comparisons:

Many of us are guided by perfectionism or feelings of being an imposter. With these lingering thoughts of never being good enough, it makes sense that starting out with change doesn't seem like a big deal; it's not the finish line. We barely started and other people are closer to the goals than us. Why didn't we start earlier? Or if we've been doing this for years, how come it's taking so long? We can start sabotaging ourselves because it's been part of our lives for so long, and the discomforts of comparisons and imposter syndrome start to consume us.

Please, take this into consideration:

You are your own person, with your own story. No one can know entirely what you've gone through, and no one can tell you how to live your life. When you are ready, you are ready.

Some of us make small changes over large time spans. Some of us can change over night. We each have different circumstances and motivations, and access to support with change. These factors make it nearly impossible to compare our stories with others'. Change can be an uncomfortable process. Baby steps are to be celebrated.

What if we get stuck or go backwards?

It's probably going to happen. If you look back on your attempts and successes with change in the past, maybe you've noticed when things made it difficult for you to maintain healthier or more positive types of behaviors. A common factor is stress or sudden changes in life. When we're really stressed out, we tend to gravitate towards comfort and past habits, even if we know they're not the best for us. We sometimes pair using our default patterns as failing. And that's the message we get from the greater culture. We get told we have to be perfect. We have to get it done 100% or it's considered a failure.

That's not realistic. That's not fair. And, it's not being a human being. We make mistakes, and we have hardships with maintaining change all the time. That's the reality of being a human being. We are going to slip up, and default to our old ways every now and then. That's where a skilled coach can come in (a therapist if we are dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns) to educate and support you through these stages of change, because ambivalence and maintenance part of it.

Being stuck is very common, and having this "stuckness" honored can actually create momentum to move forward. Many times people have their own agendas for how someone else is supposed to live, and instead of supporting change through encouragement, resistance is created by telling people to do stuff when it's not the right time to do so.

Will other people see your change as quickly as you do?

This is complicated, too. Imagine having to work through changes in how confidently you feel about an area of life. These are internal changes that may or may not be large physical changes in your life. Some people may be more attuned with your habits or mannerisms, and can more quickly notice your changes or process of change. Other people can have their own barriers with seeing change.

This is an added layer of systems psychology and maintaining change: It is one thing to start changing as an individual. It is another difficult layer to maintain change around others who may have sabotaged you, or expected a certain role (types of behaviors) from you in the past. Some people don't want to see the changes you've worked hard on. They want to pick and choose what they see, so they might try to sabotage or dismiss things. This is where habit, changes in environment (people, places, etc) can help maintain the positive changes you've worked so hard on.

Open communication about these environmental factors can help your coach or therapist with offering guidance or asking questions about how to prepare for these situations. Tools and education can be offered with how to create a layer of protection between you and negativity or sabotage you may face.

Our relationship is the most important factor with change.

I hope that my role is to be a guide, teacher, and resource. I can see your strengths, and hopefully, we can get to a place where you can see them, too. This involves hope, education, practice, and working through the ups and downs of building new habits. Coaching is interactive; I value and expect openness to discuss. We can talk about your thoughts on the pace of change, roadblocks, small victories, and any areas we need to focus on.

Each one us of has a different relationship with change. It can be really scary doing this alone. It is scary for me at times, too. Changing and transitioning during parts of my life, I thought being alone was the brave thing to do. I was wrong. Having a mentor, or even friends to check in made the process easier. Knowing this, I hope to honor the unique situations each person has and walk with them on their journeys of change.

We can work together to meet larger goals by having smaller successes over time. These deserve to be celebrated and witnessed.

Boonie (949)381-1894 | organizedmesses@gmail.com

11/2021 I am currently taking waitlist and giving referrals for coaching and therapy.

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