Catching Them When They're Good

Have you ever tried to change someone?

Have you said or heard the following?

“Why are you doing it like this?” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re not listening!” “I’ve already shown you a million times!” “You’re so slow!” “You forgot to do X again. I ALWAYS have to remind you!” “I can’t depend on you for anything.” “I’ll just do it.”

It’s okay, many of us have been there, and it’s not always easy. It seems to be a thing that happens a lot, though. This idea that we know how someone should behave or change comes with the best intentions, and yet, it’s not taken this way. Whether it’s friends, family, coworkers, classmates, lovers, or children, we tend to tell them how to change, where it comes off as a criticism or demand.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end of this where someone is telling you all the things you’re doing wrong, and you end up feeling like a failure. It doesn’t feel good, and can even lead to feelings of resentment or deep sadness. There are good intentions, and yet the delivery is not working. The outcome is hurt feelings and conflict. The same thing can happen when we are trying to shape children in our lives. We know and see how the world is, and want to build skills for success.

So what do we do? We identify the things they are doing wrong. We knit-pick at how these things are incorrect and how they should be doing it. We end up doing it ourselves.

How does this affect a person?

It could lead to feelings of inferiority, a negative self-concept, or pairing negative emotions with “help.” Some people who were constantly told they were doing things wrong learn to distance themselves from asking or receiving help. This distrust of others may shape their world view; that it’s better to do things alone without the harsh criticisms of others.

Another possible outcome is those who were only given attention for “messing up” or being “bad” continually increased these types of behaviors in order to get attention. It is a repetitious cycle that can be difficult to change. Children who received attention when making mistakes or behaving negatively may internalize this identity of “being” bad and a failure which could carry into adulthood.

The above could be an extreme example, but I’ve come across some adults who’ve been impacted by early experiences where they have a difficult time trusting others because they are afraid of negative criticisms and being made fun of. This can especially be the case for those who are/have*:

*sensitive, Autistic, twice-exceptional (2e) gifted, gifted, ADHD, learning or auditory processing differences, delayed speech, invisible and visible conditions that affect mobility, cognition, or other bodily functions like chronic illness.

*An added layer to the physical body is inherited traumas, mental illness or conditions, unmet basic needs, systemic oppression, how accepted or safe they are at home, language or cultural barriers; some things that many people mask when attempting to overcome and thrive.

Are the above items things that affect each person we want to help? Maybe, maybe not. It can be a compassionate step to consider how someone is experiencing the world as we attempt to walk along their journeys and offer support towards change. This understanding may help with offering kindness, patience, and compassion for those who are having a harder time with being asked to change, even from someone who cares.

Catching Them When They’re Good (Dr. Robert Myers)

This phrase is from a child development course about a decade ago, and it’s helped me in professional settings and personal relationships. This is simply that: look for the positive and good, as difficult as it may be for certain people. Identify it with specific language and praise people.

Imagine a person where important figures in life only gave attention or talked to them when they made mistakes or behaved poorly. Moments of curiosity, goodness, or quiet were ignored.

Now, offer this person praise for doing something small, like opening the door for you, or helping clean up after dinner. Thank them and share gratitude for their presence. Being grateful for someone just for being alive! How novel~

I just spoke with someone who did not get praised growing up, and they responded by saying how “life-changing” it would be if their parents or any adults in their home gave them attention when they were trying to ask questions or do well in school. They noted how this early experience shaped a negative series of relationship exchanges where they act out and repeat this cycle of looking for the bad in others.

While this, again, is not the case for everyone, it is noted that early experiences and intense moments in life can and do shape the physical, emotional, and mental health of many of us. As children or adults, we may have the lens of looking for the negative in ourselves and others, even when we want to encourage positive changes.

Examples of praise, gratitude, and catching them when they’re good:

(Mixed examples for children, family, partners, friends, family)

• Thank you for being quiet while I was on the phone.

• I see you using your hands gently (for kiddos who need help being safe and gentle).

• I love it when you give me hugs just because.

• I appreciate the space you give when I’m upset, and you slowly checking in to see if I need anything.

• I really appreciated it when you washed the dishes for me yesterday.

• When I asked you to get ready for dinner, you did it so quickly.

• I really like it when you have your backpack ready in the morning so we’re not late or in a rush.

• Thank you for saving me a seat this morning.

• Nice work trying to brush your teeth!

• I saw how you tried really hard on your homework today.

• Thank you for listening to my problem and not trying to give advice right away. I know how solving problems is how you show care, and I see how you tried.

• I appreciated when you saved the last slice of pizza for me. It made me feel special.

• Thanks for getting me a coffee this morning!

• I LOVE how safely you’re playing with your toys right now!

• Thank you for sitting with me quietly while I figure out my problem. I needed time to sort things in my head and a bunch of questions would make me more frustrated.

Although these statements are a small start, it can lead to great changes. Starting small is tangible, more realistic, and easier. We can build on small successes to promote longer-lasting positive changes. :) Sometimes one positive statement can stay with a person for a lifetime. You never know if your words will change a person’s life.

5 Reasons Gamers Won't Share About Gaming

I am an active participant in multiple FaceBook groups. Many topics are discussed where gaming and mental health are a primary interest of mine. There are stigmas and stereotypes related to different subcultures, and sometimes we may internalize them, or feel uncomfortable talking about being part of a culture with these greater messages implicitly affecting us.

I asked my FaceBook friends how they'd respond if someone (non-gamer) asked about video games. The responses were insightful. I remember wanting so badly to share my loves, sometimes my obsessions with a game, and yet I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to share with someone who wasn't interested, and I didn't want to share too much. In relation to mental health, relationships, and therapy, here are some responses to why a gamer would not share about gaming.

1. Being seen as a child

Gaming is not accepted everywhere in the adult world, and it can be paired with being childlike. In order to separate oneself from these assumptions, a gamer may not respond when someone asks them about their interests. It might be admitting to being like a child, which can be embarrassing or shameful. The tone of the person asking may also indicate a bias they (may or may not) be aware of. 

Take note of your tone when speaking with a gamer. They might be able to pick up a subtle tone that appears mocking or condescending. If that is not the intention, please explore the possiblity of misinterpretations. 

2. They were made fun of for their interests in gaming

Our histories shape us and can permeate our present filters of the world, as well as our exchanges with others. If a gamer were bullied or made fun of for playing, it can make it difficult to share when someone genuinely wants to know. The past can appear very real and very present with many of us, so it can take time before a gamer can trust again to share their stories. 

Time and patience can help develop a stronger rapport. Maybe showing up and accepting a gamer, without the pressure to speak, can help prove that kindness is real, and that some people actually want to know about their worlds. Watching a gamer play can also be a nonverbal way of connecting and building trust.

3. Associating games with violence and the problems of the world

This is a common practice especially when a tragedy occurs. Instead of individual and contextual responsibility, an entire subculture gets blamed for the violence of others. To witness this repeated correlation of blame and the pairing of negative traits like high aggression and violence, gamers may not openly express their interests in gaming. To do so would indirectly acknowledge a possible inclination towards these negative traits.

Sharing about current events, and how studies can and do skew data can help strengthen the relationship. Focusing on the positive aspects of games can also show how you are an ally and curious about the culture. 

4. No one wanted to listen before, so they question whether anyone wants to listen now.

Growing up, some of us may have a more difficult time connecting with and making friends who share similar interests. This difficulty, whether it was in the home or at school, can lead to a lack of practice sharing about one's interests. So when we do find someone who wants to listen or knows about stuff you like, you might not believe it. Instead of sharing, a gamer could deny that someone is expressing genuine interest and stop themselves from connecting. 

Be present with the gamer. Having to enjoy your hobbies, interests, and play with online friends or away from IRL people can make it a slow adjustment to believe someone, a non-gamer (even another gamer), wants to hear about their life and stories. 

5. They've scared people away when sharing "too much"

Considering how a gamer might not have a steady flow of interactions with others IRL where they can share their interests, it can come out in bursts when they do find someone who wants to understand and listen. Perhaps this burst of sharing is overwhelming and the opportunity to share again is no longer present, or the gamer is self-conscious about how they shared too much the first time.

Self-compassion. It's important to slowly honor our quirks and how unique our experiences are. A gamer may not always have access to community or opportunities to share, *really* share about their gaming. Not everyone wants to know, or they can't keep up with all the terminology. It can be discouraging. Checking in with being overwhelmed with information can help pause or spread the dialogue over time. This can give each person a chance to digest new information and know that a future conversation is possible, so it does not have to be shared at once. It's okay to review another time, or clarify what you didn't cover the next time you meet.

 

5 Steps of Conflict Resolution

Ordinary People. Because we are. 

Loving others isn't always easy. We have our histories, our past pains, and our demons to confront every now and then. There's something about intimacy and love that can bring us to our worst selves. We wouldn't dare treat our coworkers or bosses the way we treat our partners, children, or siblings sometimes. We do what we know, and many times we were not taught how to resolve conflict with people we care for. Perhaps taking a step back to identify consistent problems can help. This can be a complicated process because many of us do not have the tools to communicate without getting emotional heated. 

I worked with many students on conflict resolution skills. I've also worked with parents to help them work towards becoming more effective parenting partners. It involves self-compassion, awareness, and LOTS OF PRACTICE. Here is a breakdown of the process:

Before starting, taking a break to cool off is okay.

NOTE: If those involved cannot start resolutions "softly" try:

Gottman Institute's Softening Start Up Homework. 

Ensure participants are at a place where they can be receptive and not reactive. 

Rules During Conflict Resolution: 

• Stay respectful. (What does that look like for you?)

• No name calling.

• Listen while one person speaks.

• Tell the truth.

• Try understanding the other person's experience and feelings. (Pauses & Reflective or Active Listening)

• Be willing to compromise. 

• Taking breaks is okay.

• Agree on how long to try talking it out before you are both drained/overwhelmed

  • Figure out a signal to agree to stop. It can be a key word or a hand gesture.

Words (things) that Escalate

• Always

• Never

• Shouldn't

• You (always, never)

• You made me (feel, do) X

• Or else

• Ultimatums

• Comparisons to others

• Bringing up the past

• Interruptions

• Denying person's perspective

• Calling them a liar

• Can't

• You're a crybaby, sensitive, overreacting

• You're insensitive, mean, a robot, uncaring

Words (things) that De-escalate

• Maybe

• How about

• What if

• It appears

• Can we try

• I feel

• I hear that

• Staying present with this one incident

• Focusing on the person right now

• Thank you for listening

• It's important to me that X

• I value the relationship and want to work together by

• You are important to me and I want to figure this out

• What do you think about X

Words to escalate and de-escalate contributed by the Orange County Department of Education.

Step 1: Identify the Problem

Is there even a problem for all parties involved? How does it affect you and the group? Sometimes one person has a problem, and when it's shared, the other person might not even know it was an issue until now. Being able to share without judgments or accusations can help a relationship move forward more quickly after arguments.

• Skill to use: I-Messages/I-Statements

  • It is important to speak in first person to identify how a problem affects you. If the conversation starts harsh, it is very likely there will be no resolution.

  • Ex: I feel (emotion) when (action/behavior) because (how it affects you). I want (solution), and I can help by (actionable steps).

  • I-message | 4-part Nonviolent Communication

• Reflecting others' emotions and experience. (This takes extra practice)

  • Tips on Active Listening | Organized Messes

• Write it down.

  • Sometimes we are so heated and in the moment we may say things that are hurtful, and things we can't take back. If you're in that state, step away to write it down.

  • It's also useful to jot down notes on your thoughts and responses to when your partner is speaking.

  • If someone thinks you're not paying attention because you're taking notes, it's a good idea to discuss how writing things down can be a way to pause and sort through thoughts so one person is not REACTING, rather, there is time to identify whether this statement is important enough to talk about, or if they waited a little longer, things got clarified because they didn't interrupt.

Steps 2: Conflict Resolutions

Identify all possible solutions and outcomes. All feedback is respected and accepted as a potential solution.

• Even if a potential solution sounds unrealistic or silly, hear it out, and write it down. It's important to honor all options and perspectives, and share input on the potential consequences of each solution.

• It can be useful to scale emotions or intensities of consequences. On a scale of 1-10, how angry were you before the solution, and if this solution were chosen, how much would your anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. decrease?

• Being realistic, it's possible for positive AND negative emotions to exist even when a solution is chosen. The goal is to reduce negative emotions and conflict even by a little bit.

Step 3: Agree on a Solution

• List the solutions in order of most agreed upon, to least agreed upon. Choose one, and agree on a time-frame to see if it helps.

• Try it out and report back. It may be useful to jot down how you're feeling and thinking about the new changes and how it is helping or increasing conflict.

• This is a process and requires openness to trial and error.

• Positive acknowledgment or effort is very important. It encourages one to continue trying.

• Acknowledgement can come in the form of:

  • "Thank you for doing this for us." "I know it's not easy for you do try something different. I appreciate you for showing how much you care." "I feel loved knowing you're willing to try something new for us." "When you did X, I was really appreciative."

  • Hugs, gentle touches, and loving gestures during times of repair can go a long way. Even when it's not perfect, it can make it more rewarding to continue trying.

Step 4: Check in

What worked and what didn't? Again, acknowledge and praise efforts. *VERY IMPORTANT* Please praise effort! Brainstorm how to make it work better. 

• When praising someone's efforts, try to be specific about what you liked. For example, saying, "I appreciate you." sounds different from "I really appreciate it when you take the trash out on Friday nights before I have to ask. It makes me feel important."

• It can be useful to take notes through the week on what is working and isn't working with thoughts on why. Having a list of negative things might not help unless it comes with reasons for why it affected you.

• Try checking in within a time-frame where you both can remember the original conflict and compare how similarly or differently the outcome is now. Maybe a week or a few days is good amount of time to regroup as a team.

Step 5: Rinse and Repeat for Other Conflicts

*NOTE: We are ordinary people. This new process of conflict resolution can take time, and having a mediator or a professional healer to guide in the beginning may help encourage each person involved to continue trying. Repeated failed attempts are very discouraging. It can also be indications of something deeper than the relationship you're in. Many times our personal stuff comes out in our romantic relationships, and if themes reappear (the same arguments are happening over and over again), it may be time to seek the support of a couple's therapist or even a relationship coach. Depending on the intensity of what's going on, the coach may agree to work with you, or refer the couple to a counselor. 

Asking for help is a sign of strength, and I can help with relationship coaching. Email me at organizedmesses@gmail.com or call 949-381-1894 to schedule an appointment.

For couples with a need for deeper support and concerns, there are amazing therapists who can help.